Really!

D o sumthing.......ergh

.........................[slurred trill]..................eh!

where's tha.....................thing..................I wanted? ya know, tha..............dammit.

dammit dammit dammit dammit DAMMIT!!!!!!! uuuuuuuugh!!!

tha.........thing tha plays MUSIC........................over there. it is. over there it is...........I'll jus'.......................................jus'........................................................["Rehab" begins on stereo]



[THUD]

DOAS pt 3: Rhyme "Furry" with "Ennui"

Dear Diary,
So, this is sentience.

whee.

More than just a little bit disappointing. In fact, you can HAVE it.

I'm a raccoon. I was about as ready for an existential crisis as a manatee is ready for pole dancing . Maybe less.

Ok, so I'm the first raccoon to contemplate it's own mortality. If you were planning on a plaque, keep it. What I need is a drink. Or something.

And to make matters worse---something has been eating my berries. Oh, I apparently have a concept of ownership now, and it is causing me no end of vexation.

My garbage, my berries, my den--my mortality, my nausea and inertia--[angry trilling]
I'm off to steal some booze and an Amy Winehouse CD.

It smells gross in here, but it's warm

I like what the raccoons have done with this place. Nice use of garbage to make a little soft place for resting. Best impromptu den I've seen, and I've stolen from quite a few. I like the same berries they do, so when they go out to do whatever shit raccoons do, I check out their stash. It's good stuff, after you wash their stink off. I may bring some of the cool squirrels with me next time. Peace out!

DOAS: pt 2

Dear Diary,
The trick-or-treating ruse worked like a charm! I have enough simple carbs to double my body weight eight times, but something tells me to go easy. I'm mildly disturbed by the leaps and bounds my intelligence has taken since lapping up that green glowy liquid that was dripping from the cloning tubes. There! How the hell do I know about cloning? I'm a frickin RACCOON.
And when did I learn to type?
Seriously--what the hell?

Diary of a Scavenger Pt 1

Dear Diary,

The new lair seems safe. The scent of blogger is old and faint, like it wasn't used very often. Good.
This abandoned blog is in close proximity to many bountiful back porches. Lots of food scraps in bins, and stale pet food in bowls.
The natives are dim and slow. Tomorrow night is Halloween. Planning to pass myself off as a trick- or- treater, and load up on carbs for the approaching winter. Hope I don't catch rabies!

Oh, Look! An abandoned Blog.........

.................shelter. maybe have litter here. feral babies have room to grow strong.
Raccoon happy!

Happy Autumn Equinox (today, maybe tomorrow.....)

We here at IRBHN World Head Quarters wish to extend our best wishes for the end of (brutally hot, bordering on homicidal) Summer to one and all. There. We've done it. Pagan holiday greetings--check.

One finds, as one grows older, that the tendency to behave like an elderly hippie rather increases.
Interests and enthusiasms for organic gardening "take root"(rim shot), and the whole thing begins to gather speed, eventually leading one to sourdough bread. It seems to be a short road from cultivating vegetables to cultivating wild yeasts. (One fears that cheese making and folk dancing may attempt to raise their rustic heads.)

...... not a WORD to the squirrels

...or the mice, either.

That tomato plant? The one I was in despair of getting anything from, what with the insane heat? It has TWO NEW FRUIT.

Seems that at some point overnight the temperature got cool enough for them to do their thing and make baby tomatoes. Now, if I can just figure a way to keep the critters at bay.........

The Boosh is Mighty: 4-Way Crimp

Mostly Safe for Work, except for the brief "fuck you" at the very end.
Crimpety crimpety........

Partial Apology to the Squirrelly Tribe

.... it seems I utterly failed to hold the MICE responsible for their part in the great tomato robbery. It is as though Beatrix Potter has set her cute little minions on a campaign of terror against my garden. I think it may be related to the record high temperatures here, and the water content of the plants.

Civic Duty---- Check!

For several years I was excused from jury duty because of my status as unpaid caregiver.

Yesterday, I did my first jury summons, and it really was surprisingly pleasant.

At first, it was like a flashback to high school-- a group of people stuck in an old building, wishing they were anywhere else.

The nice lady with the clipboard gave us these little numbered signs, like at an auction. They made good fans.

These case was civil suit, so nothing traumatic.

My favorite of the two attorneys was a mellow, confident older woman ( I think she'll win the case, just based on her obvious alpha status); the judge was a substitute, and had a Johnny Carson-like vibe-- he kept us entertained while the two sides made their choices.

I wasn't chosen, but the other two long haired dudes were, so yay Austin or something!

Squirrels Can Be Such Bastards Sometimes...........

.like today, when the twitchy nosed little fuck ganked BOTH juvenile beefmaster tomatoes, passing many green cherry tomatoes--no, the evil little tree rats had to have the last two tomatoes of the season, I get it.
Cute little malevolent gangrenous syphilitic blasphemies.

MILESTONE!!!!!!!!

I performed my 2,000th massage at work tonight---(2,000 there, not career total)
thats 100 times 100, times 2. And many of them were 90 minute or 2 hour sessions, so I've clocked way more than 2,000 hours at my "new profession".

Alyssa and Megan and Sarita and Andrea and Lee and Monica (receptionist and co-therapists) feted me with cupcakes (!), and the clients were generous---deep thanks to all.

I celebrated by using some of my tips to purchase the Amy Winehouse Back to Black CD--damn, I hope she survives-- she's like the Billie Holiday or Edith Piaf of our day---can Angelina Jolie do an intervention for her? If anyone can speak with gravitas about self re-makes it's AJ---she kinda used to be an Amy, and now she's a fabulous force for good (quiet, Jennifer).

LMT POV

.....stands for "Licensed Massage Therapist Point Of View".
This is how I remember my clients---upside down, on their backs, and really relaxed. Sometimes they get so relaxed that they regress to the olden days of black and white photography--but only when they get super duper extra relaxed. Like Sean, here.

Garden Update

The garden has grown quite a lot since the last time. It was an experiment in container gardening. As all that goes, I prefer the in-the-ground method when possible, so I'll be cultivating the large open back bits for a fall vegetable garden soon.
Against all expectations, the broccoli is flowering in this hellish Texas heat. Crazy plant.
Also, a sad before/after of the courgette/zucchini plant that produced one modest fruit.

I Hope This Is All Just A Vivid Nightmare

Never under estimate the power of tacky and over the top.

Q: How might one make "Total Eclipse of the Heart" even more cringe worthy?

A: Rewrite it in German, stage it with vampires. Et Voila! C'est toute merde!

My Brother Edd

Today marks the 57th anniversary of the birth of my brother, Edd. He died two months before his 51rst birthday, from hepatitis C contracted in Viet Nam. He never understood his importance in our family, nor would he have expected his passing to have the effect it did on the family as a whole, as well as the individual surviving members. He was our oldest brother's closest ally. He was Ma's "lost boy", having run away/whereabouts unknown on and off through the 60's and 70's, and he was my primary caregiver in early childhood. He helped shape my sense of humor--we shared a love of the absurd. He was a photographer in New Orleans, and a Harley Davidson mechanic here in Austin. He was also an excellent semi professional poker player, and was very generous with his considerable winnings. He saved the day more than once for several people with his generous nature. His wake was like a cross section of the population of earth--as diverse a group as one could imagine. He was accepting of others and more charismatic than he knew. It has been six years since his passing, and I do miss him dreadfully.
Happy Birthday, Edd.

UPDATE!!

Zowie! Long time, right? It isn't as though I had the best, most valid reasons for my absenteeism-- full time work, garden to tend to, zombie apocalypse...........[sings]there are zombies at the bottom of my garden.......... mind you, they make excellent fertilizer once properly mulched--unfortunately ( or perhaps, luckily) they produce zombie vegetables!

Unfortunate for the unsuspecting diner just trying to tuck into a big plate of broccoli with cheese sauce, then--boom! Brains eaten by broccoli; Lucky for the misanthropic host hoping to draw yet another tedious evening of entertaining to a swift conclusion--it is all a matter of perspective, really.

So, in the following days, be sure to rest up, get plenty of exercise (running from zombies is the healthiest thing imaginable, given the alternative), and eat your vegetables--


BEFORE THEY EAT YOU!

told you so

Zombie Virus Spreads, Mutates Much Like Swine Flu

When it rains, it pours.....................as if the zombie problem wasn't nuisance enough, now the swine flu is vying for terrifying news of the week. It had just better not get any ideas about bonding with the zombie germs and becoming the undead flu, because a virus is way too small to shoot in the brain without major magnification, and it is just too much trouble.
Pictured above are examples of human-pet zombie attacks, lion-on-lion zombification, the after-math of kitteh zombeh-fication, and a nifty educational poster to help you through the next few days.

Still Not Undead

This photo was taken some weeks back here in Austin. The news of the aftermath has been largely ignored. I'm writing this in hopes that someone in the outside world will read it................. The effects of the zombie infestation on the 20-somethings has been the most negligible. They continue to be mindless conforming consumers, and they were so steeped in hipster ennui at their time of conversion to the walking dead that they pose no actual threat, being too ironic and cynical to even attempt to feast on the flesh of the living.
As for the rest, this being Texas, the zombies all died of starvation after 2 days---not enough brains to keep even an anorexic zombie [dibs on the name for a band] unalive .

Bulletin: Plants Apparantly Grow in Spring

I keep checking on them, and every day they get a little bit bigger. The authorities must be alerted!

Topical! The Musical

Watching Keith Olberman, I was struck with an inspiration for a Fox-Searchlight movie about the AIG execs...................ScumBag Millionaires!
These jokes just write themselves sometimes......................................

Bloggin' O' the Green

Happy day to you all. Pictured here are

A: The shamrocks that the faeries planted
( I filled the planter with a potting and compost mix, and planted a banana tree in it. Between the drought and the various freezes, it died. Now it is quite literally overflowing with the shamrocks that inexplicably have popped up in it's place. )

B: Half of my vegetable garden. Lettuces, beets, mustard, kale, broccoli, garlic, and onion.

album cover waiting to happen

empty nest, bare tree--it just begs to be the cover to an emo band's debut...........use your imagination.

cold comfort--racing kane

bare memory--dialectic division

just kinda unfocus your brain and it will come to you............

Inspiration!!

My fabulous friend Lisa said something tonight that
A: made me giggle like a demented chipmunk, and
B: gave me inspiration for a horror project (most likely to be produced as a puppet show)

She remarked that cows freak her out--the vacant eyes--what if they're faking it?

OMG!!! What an awesome premise for a horror flick!! Cows are really evil genius' that are controlling us through the food chain! They want you to eat beef/drink milk/wear leather, so they can saturate us with their evil mind control hormones or whatever it is they are using, to whatever nefarious end!!! It's just goofy enough to be really disturbing...........................yesssss, excellent.................................................

Caption This, Too.

Caption This

Butterfly-EEEEEEEEEEEEE

T-Shirt Design That Just Came To Me......................

Get it? Like the "I'm with Stupid" shirt, but with a big bloody knife instead, 'cuz of the whole "psycho" angle..........................................*sigh* I hate it when you look at me like that...........

Don't Worry--Its Only A Hallucination

Our Reseach Department Resumes Work After A Long Holiday

..........and I'm afraid the droids need recalibrating (or Betty, our head of R&D may need a med change) based on this memo I received today:

"Concerning Chicken Ears:

Our research has shown that the most delicious part of the chicken is the ear. The ear of the chicken is so tempting and mouth-wateringly scrumptious that the first thing a baby chick does, even before breaking out of the shell, is to eat their own ears. Just try to bite yourself on the ear--that is how motivated the chick is to get at it's own tantalizing delectable ear meat. It not only tries, but it manages to gnaw it's own ears all the way off, leaving absolutely no lingering, drool inducing morsels as evidence--the greedy bastards."

Clearly, there is a problem somewhere.

Well! Did you ever! What a swell party this is..............

It has been a non-stop gala event here at IRBHN World Head Quarters. After the New Year's festivities, we celebrated our most important event--the birthday of our founder and chief.
(me, silly!)
Pictured above is our devoted and talented staff:

Top left: Dr Angst, looking cheerful (for him). The good doctor has been testing his ennui bomb here at the IRBHNWHQ, resulting in very little actually getting done. I mean, why bother? What's the point? What does it all mean??? ( sorry--recent exposure to an ennui grenade)
Top center: We have absolutely no idea who this is. We all gasped with surprise, then indulged in a round of "so--you see him, too?". Seems we've all seen him around the office, and just assumed he was a hallucination and kept quiet about it. Dr Angst denies all knowledge, but that's to be expected. He might be a genie or something--I hope so. I always wanted a genie friend......
Top right: Ellen (Nelly) Bourgeois, head of human resources and cafeteria dinner lady. Before you accuse me of overworking her, let tell you--it's all her idea. She also caters our parties. I've developed a taste for eye of newt..........
Bottom left: Me, on one of my better days, and after one of Madame Bourgeois' more hair raising lunch entrees.
Center: Betty Bourgeois, daughter of Nelly, also head of research and development.
Right: You-You (in gorilla suit), newest (probationary) member of the staff. You-You will be joining us full time after his old job officially ends next week. He has some bold ideas, mostly about invading other blogs that may at some future date develop technology that would pose a threat to IRBHN. He lived here in Austin about 8 years ago, and needs a place to crash, so I decided "what the hell?", plus Madame B likes to make him wear the monkey suit.

I just turned 48, and am experiencing a bout of "future disgust"--it is much like "future shock", but with more existential nausea and inertia. Again, Dr Angst is playing innocent..........

Happy New Year

Best wishes for the new year to you all,as we re-negotiate our service contract with the chimps that type this stuff up for us. We've received an application from a chimp soon to be unemployed, asking for a position here at IRBHN ( Washington D.C. postmark).
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.........possibilities for comic mis-adventures is pretty high, but still......