At Last, We Roast Our Goose For Xmas

Taarzaan:

(sings)

It’s the day before Xmas, and here on the blog

we’re gonna roast Kurt O’er the flaming Yule Log

reader response was tepid at best

but here’s just a few who must

get-- this –off- their- chests!

[tepid, insincere applause]

Thank you, thank you…[FEEDBACK]………….welcome to the first ever Xmas Eve Day Celebrity Blogger Roast! An event so big that it’s happening on TWO BLOGS! That’s right, our roastee couldn’t be here today, thanks to an injunction and three different restraining orders…[EXTRA LOUD FEEDBACK]…………[applause]…thank you.

When you think “curmudgeon” who pops into mind?

When you think “unemployed”, who are you thinking of?

When you think “banjo playing lay about who somehow manages to travel the world, while the rest of us go to work”. is there anyone in the world other than OPE’s very own Kurt Xxxx? Hell no!

We’ve gathered today to share our thoughts and feelings for and about Kurt. We all think Kurt is a [FEEDBACK]er, and who doesn’t share the opinion that he [FEEDBACK/LOUD WHINING FEEDBACK] when no one’s looking? But enough chit chat—on to the guests!

First up, we have our own little conscience, Blogdom’s very own Julia!

[APPLAUSE]

Julia:

Today I'm here to honor our good blogmaster, Kurt. What can I say about a man who is loved and respected by everyone who knows him? One thing I can say is he’s not the man I’ll be talking about today. (Cue uproarious laughter)

Kurt inspires me every day. I’ve already written about him on my own blog one whole time in only four years of blogging. Kurt is a selfless man. He gets personal satisfaction when we whore out our own blogs while pretending to write for him. He was selfless enough to give Taarzaan permission to do this roast, so my taking time out of my full and exciting life to write this was not in vain.

Kurt is a perfect gentleman, not at all creepy. I know this because he assures me that it is considered perfectly healthy for a man his age to maintain a fixed interest on Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. Just remember it’s a fixed interest. We avoid the word “obsession”.

Reading OPE gives me an edge on today’s news that none of my real world friends have. They are constantly amazed by the stories I bring to them. Let’s just say jaws drop and heads slowly shake. That’s how you know they’re really impressed. Kurt is first with the inside scoop that you will get nowhere else. Seriously, google his stories. You won’t find them anywhere.

Kurt is a man of many talents. He’s a goat herder, sunflower farmer, clafouti maker extraordinaire, and prolific newspaper rejectee.

They say you can learn a lot about a person by looking at those he associates with. Kurt is a man of the people. I’m talking about the average folks who work hard every day with a love of God and country in their hearts. Folks like Nan Patience, who lives in folksy backwoods places and work on their road kill photography. Folks like Merle Sneed, the champion of illegal immigrants and death row inmates. Folks like Taarzaan, the guy I know nothing about. And folks like me, your everyday middle of the road vegetarian homeschooling mama. Thanks, Kurt, for sharing some of yourself with us regular people.

Taarzaan: Thank you, Julia. You are far too kind. Next, we have a limerick from the lovely and talented Emma:

Emma: There once was a blogger named Kurt, you see
Who’s writing left his readers in ecstasy
But when he skipped town
We tore his place down
As we all pined and moaned for some dirt.

We wonder whether he is a male
His complexion is pasty and pale
Todd refuses to say
What they do every day
But I hear it could land them in jail.

So in writing this little rhymed roast
I refuse to give Kurt Xxxxx a toast
Unless he confesses
If it’s true he wears dresses
Or else of his manhood he can boast.

Taarzaan: That was surprisingly un-smutty, Emma---better luck next year, eh?

Next up, an unidentified source wearing a mask has this to say:

[Unidentified reader]:

well, well, well. well. well, i knew kurt back in the real world in a large american city on the west coast where he was once allowed to teach young children. he was also allowed to mentor young nubile lady teachers. i mean, really young, like 21 or 27... they were young and he liked it. thing is, whenever i try to talk to them about kurt, they don't say much. kind of roll their eyes a bit, giggle uncomfortably and squirm a bit in their chairs. then the next thing i know they're talking about their kids and husbands and what they plan to cook for dinner, and they speak in such soothing warm tones, i forget that i even mentioned what's his name. and they don't remind me... and they're not even young anymore, i mean, they're like 34 or 39...

well, well, I know that Kurt was a good mentor to them. they turned out to be some of the fave teachers. Lots of dads request their classes, that's what I hear, anyway. I guess it was such an overwhelmingly good experience that they are kind of, um, overwhelmed whenever they think about it. i liked seeing the photo of Kurt with the little Egyptian children. I hope he taught them something good.

Taarzaan: I’m blushing. Let’s hear what Megan has to say:

Megan:

Kurt,

I have known you only a short time, and in that short time my life has not changed much. It used to be when I was feeling down about myself, I would look around at those less fortunate, and feel a little better. Now, all I need to do is look at your archives. At least that means I don't have to go outdoors more than is necessary.

I have gazed in boredom at your seemingly endless supply of interns.

I have stuck by you in spite of your dependence on Todd. If there is such a person. It's getting to the point that if I am introduced to someone by the name of Todd, I look at him or her in a highly peculiar way.

Inexplicably entangled, I tried to buy your friendship. It didn't work. The age-old dilemma of Artist/Patron has separated us, almost at birth, as it were. I can only declaim that my intentions were honorable. That the introduction of the pound of flesh into our fledgling relationship should have tarnished it so completely, means only that I must suffer from the consequence of privilege. And I can deal with that.

In the meantime, I have remained in wait while you have gallivanted about, living your "real" life, and only caring enough about me to leave a few words on almost every single post I've written since we first met. Not that I've noticed.

If asked, I would deny all contact. If challenged, I would admit an affinity. If tortured, I'd give up everything I know.

Sincerely,

A Subscriber for Life.

Taarzaan: Thank you, thank you all. I’d just like to take this moment to share the most important thing I’ve learned from Kurt—the phrase “unless I don’t feel like it”. Thanks, Kurt!

Ok---ya’ll don’t have to go home, but the hall is being used for a Rotary Club meeting in 20 minutes, so sayonara until next time!

And don't neglect to drop by Other People Exist for Kurt's rebuttal.