A Sleeped Deprived Babe Eating Crab Legs Makes Promise to Blog

I got a firm promise from Amber for a guest post. She was recounting how she’d spoiled Justin’s romantic Valentine’s Day date—they went to the 5 course feast showing of Gone With The Wind at Alamo Drafthouse. 5 courses, five different wines. Lotsa wine.
So, our heroine, being the fabulous postmodern world babe that she is, having never seen the movie before, and being a psychiatric nurse, HATED Scarlett O’Hara. Diagnosed her with borderline personality disorder. So she has something to blog about finally.
I’ve been enjoying an Amber-centric weekend. She actually doubted her Rock Star Goddess-ness for a few minutes. She was mistreated by a photographer and model at a shoot she was doing make up for. The model was a vain passive princess, an impossible to please mini-tyrant, and the photographer was a sleaze. She has the situation in perspective, now.

Chuck Roast

Amber's long time friend, Christina, is a font of arcane knowledge, except that she doesn't know what "arcane" means. Anyway, here are some facts I gleaned(there's another word) from her today on MyCult:

Top 10 Chuck Norris Facts

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. But he is so badass, he has never cried. Ever.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claimingLaw and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard.There is only another fist.

Additional Chuck Norris Facts*
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.*
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.*
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons,breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.*
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.*
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in theface.*
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.*
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized,Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony,couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.*
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.*
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.*
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.*
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.*
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself,crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.*
The quickest way to a man's heart is with ChuckNorris' fist.*
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.*
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.*
The opening scene of the movie "Saving PrivateRyan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.*
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighterplane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"*
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere,streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.*
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.*
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone.This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.*
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.*
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a truestory: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.*
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris*
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.*
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.*
Rather than being birthed like a normal child,Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.*
If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor.Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.*
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.*
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public,Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking*
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Thank you, Christina, for your informative and entertaining report.

Thank you, Mariana

Ok, I freely admit to being a rabid fan of Gatochy's blog. It was the first blog I ever stumbled across-I was doing an image search, and this page popped up. I had no idea what a blog was. I felt like I'd walked in in the middle of a performance--there was something mysterious going on (to the internet newbie), and I had to find out what.
My patience paid off. I noticed that the site was frequently updated, and that the subject matter was eclectic and thematic. It was like finding a free daily magazine, with thought provoking articles and great images, and serialized posts, like "So Cute You Could Puke", and my personal favorite, the "Thank You, Sir" series. It's a funny/moving/enigmatic series, offering wee glimpses into the world of a man of mystery and the women who surround him. Mariana has added links to the series in her "narcissism corner" archives, for ease of access. Since I have nothing to bitch about today (ok--patently lying, but I get tired of bitching), please follow the link and see what I'm on about. http://gatochy.blogspot.com/2005/01/narcissism-corner.html
There will be new Dawn pictures and stuff soon.

Dwindling Vocabulary Alert

If you are under the age of 30, and live here in the U.S, and Texas in particular, odds are you don't understand the title of this post. In the previous post, the words "lackey","flunky", and "minion" were used, to the non-comprehension of my younger friends. I expect "dwindle" is going to be just as unfamiliar. Irony and paradox--we have this amazing resource at our fingertips--the internet. We have free access to online dictionaries and encyclopedias; even so, spelling and reading comprehension seem to plummet. Uh-oh--"plummet".
Yes, I have a bee in my bonnet (look it up, kids). Words give us a frame to hang ideas on--a tool for thinking about things. Words are names of concepts, ideas, and objects and stuff. When we lose a word, the very concept is threatened.
For instance--"jealousy" and "envy".
Jealous:
Pronunciation: 'je-l&s
Function: adjectiveEtymology: Middle English jelous, from Old French, from (assumed) Vulgar Latin zelosus, from Late Latin zelus zeal -- more at ZEAL1 a : intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness b : disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness2 : hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage3 : vigilant in guarding a possession

Envy:

Pronunciation: 'en-vE
Function: nounInflected Form(s): plural enviesEtymology: Middle English envie, from Old French, from Latin invidia, from invidus envious, from invidEre to look askance at, envy, from in- + vidEre to see -- more at WIT1 : painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage2 obsolete : MALICE 3 : an object of envious notice or feeling
See the difference?
If you are "jealous" of your friend's new car, it must be because you think it's going to screw your lover, or take your job.
I understand the whole "living language" thing. Language changes with common use--"parlance". In our case, it's shrinking, and slouching towards Orwell's concept of "newspeak".

Double-plus-ungood.

Advice From The Expert

We here at IRBHN have come to the sudden and inescapable conclusion that we are woefully understaffed. I make my own coffee, cook my own meals, and actually type my own blog entries. This menial drudgery is cutting into my work time, and has really depleted the time left for surfing for porn.
Whenever we find ourselves in a predicament of this caliber, we turn to a trusted authority, be it doctor, accountant, or tarot reader-- to provide the guidance and wisdom that will get us back in porn surfing mode pronto. And when it comes to the subject of flunkeys, lackeys, and Igors, there is no higher authority than blogmaster Kurt, of Other People Exist. When I quizzed the great and powerful one about the care and feeding of minions, he had the following words of advice for his humble student:

Your Lackey
A guide

Finding and molding a good lackey takes time and patience. Not everyone is lackey material. Some people, even the very lowly, have what they call principles and will not be dominated, even when it's in their best interest! To spot potential lackeys, ask staffers to bring you a coffee and see who does it with a smile. Say to him You forgot the cream. Does he run to get it?

Excellent.

Next, increase the frequency of menial tasks: Get me a pen. Hold this. Tie my shoe. Now the other one. A good lackey will respond to this with more ass-kissing, more compliments, and requests for yet more tasks - any task, in fact, that pleases you. It's a wonderful feeling.

Once you've got a lackey, you are responsible for cultivating him. He will only ass-kiss if he believes it gets him closer to you. Give him a little gift like a lighter. Buy it new as if you care. He will cherish it, and it will get him through those rough times when you don't have the patience to treat him well. He can hold it tight to remind him of how much you "care."

Care and Feeding

The feeding schedule for your lackey is the same as for other underlings, except that the lackey will prefer to do the serving. Let him.

Lackeys need to know that their ass-kissing is being heard and that their menial labor is appreciated. Simply saying Thanks, now get out of my sight once in a while is all it takes.
Never forget how lucky you are to have a lackey. Even the most subservient underling can be pushed too far. Find your lackey's threshold and keep your demands just under it to maximize your pleasure and ensure long lackey life.

Domo arrigato, sensei Kurt.

So Very Glad I Have A Fire Wall

I've had the program for over a year now, and it's been damn useful this week. Someone continues to try to hack into my system. Someone has way too much time on their hands. I can only hope they are shedding bitter tears of frustration at every failure. Pendejo.

Hooray for BEA!!

We here at IRBHN have received some smashing news-- we've won a Blog Exellence award!
http://blogexcellenceawards.blogspot.com/
This is the first award we've received independant of sleeping with the judges/their friends/their families/you get the picture (that mystery carrot award was worth it, anyway)
Sadly, the awards ceremony is being held in New Jersey, and I can't seem to get the airlines to trade tickets for "favors". The sluts.

New Post

......testing, one,two......(feedback)......bugger!........ahem.......how the hell do you do this again? I must have left notes around here somewhere..............past due notice, no..........death threat, no.........marriage proposal, no,...........marriage proposal and death threat, hell no, and see about restraining order...............ah, yes--"How to Blog".
It's been an eventful week. My plan for world dominion is progressing nicely--baby steps. Still working on the website--that project continues to grow as it is developed. My friends have graciously assented to modeling for my pictoral FAQ pages--I'm creating a photoplay depicting what to expect. No chainsaws or anything, even though this is Texas. And I'm glad that
A: I don't hunt
B: I'm not a republican
and
C: I didn't get shot in the face by the vice president, like another of Austin's citizens did.

In other news, I may be doing night chair gigs at The Hook-Up Lounge. Sounds sordid, n'est-ce pas? Well, relax--it's a Turkish hookah lounge. My friend Merit was approached by the owner, who would like to have us in on the busy nights. I'm calling this venture Comfy Chair Massage. World conquest is inevitable.
Start making desserts now.
I like Jello.

Hiatus

Today is my final day with the old internet provider, and my new service starts on the 14th.
Change is good. Change comes with free webspace, so change is very good. I'll be touching up the doll's house-adding a back wall-- and working on the website. See ya on the other side of Valentine's day.

Newsy Update

I'll be away from all the internets (1,2,and 3) the 9th through the 14th or so-- I'm changing providers, and could REALLY use the time to work on the MNM website. To prepare for my almost week away from cyber-civilization, I'm stocking up on canned goods, bottled water, and
crosswords.
In other news, the beautiful and talented Dawn is returning to the stage in the role of Mrs. Cheveley, in a new production of Wilde's An Ideal Husband. This is her second time in the role, and it promises to be memorable. She carried the show last time, and will no doubt have the new production securely in her pocket.
Dawn's idea of an ideal way to spend superbowl sunday was to take me to see Brokeback Mountain. As I am one of the last 20 people on earth that hasn't blogged about it yet, here goes:
Damn. In a good way.
I totally get why it's up for awards-- the cinematography was gorgeous, the directing artfully subtle, and the performances were all around stellar. The supporting cast deserves more attention--there wasn't a weak performance to be found. The characters were believable, human, and sympathetic.
There has been some buzz about the whole "staight actors playing gay roles" thing. Sexual orientation (IMHO) is like eye color or right/left handedness. I don't have to believe that the actors actually are the characters they play. But I do live in a town where the theatres indulge in a lot of "non-traditional casting".
Oh, and Dawn? She totally cried at the end. Our girl is a hard sell, so take that into consideration.
Pictured above--the lovely Ms. Erin smolders

BINGO!

I just got back from a fundraiser for the comic book legal defense fund---here's my official scorecard

Sadly, the shirt, hoodie and shoes were all one one guy (and his date--I'd have gotten extra points for the studded belt) and the blogger with the camera was me. To my own defense, I was taking pictures for Sandy, but busted none the less.

Learning Curve

I'm feeling slightly proud today-- for those of you who've been here from episode one, you will recall how utterly at sea I was, being a new recruit to the computer having tribe. As you may know, I spent the 80's dancing around a Maypole, braiding my hair, and not learning about computers because Reagan and Thatcher were going to get us blown up or worse. I don't mind being wrong sometimes (just don't ask about the 90's).
So building a durn website--not just page, mind you, but site-- has been a wee challenge. Like linking. I just learning how to link. I want to link the world together now. Ok, it's passed, but I was elated for an hour after sorting that one out.
I live in an area that has 60,000 deaf citizens and almost as many massage therapists (it seems). As no one else has claimed this particular demographic group as their own, I call dibbs.
So-- large population of folks who communicate visually, who likely have never received professional massage. Challenge.
I am adding lots of deaf friendly features--on my hours of operations and rates page, I'm including a map of the location, and photos of the office and surrounding landmarks. Additionally, I am adding a "never had massage before" FAQ page, with an image gallery explaining the draping techniques, as well as printable versions of my intake forms, so clients can arrive with paperwork completed.
Now that we've caught up the news, here's a bit of fun via Sandy, who also sent me the picture above.
"This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fall on the same day. As Air America Radio pointed out, it is an ironic juxtaposition: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication... and the other involves a groundhog."