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(there are no "cheat codes" in this book, if that's what you're looking for)Ok--mind now, I am sharing my observations of behavior here in Texas.........
First of all, let it be known--I freaking HATE passive aggressive behavior. It truly drives me nuts. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, just Google it, already.
To be fair, it is a behavior learned and utilized by people who think/feel/believe/perceive themselves to be powerless against a ruthless/domineering agent or agency. Someone once remarked that "sarcasm is the weapon of the slave". They were talking about passive aggression.
Passive aggression formerly was the weapon of the pre-liberated woman. As such, it was the voice of the oppressed, casting ridicule upon the macho, sexist status quo. Finally, after thousands of years, women are free to express themselves, to get angry without being accused of "being hormonal".
It's gone pear-shaped for the gents, however.
While young women are encouraged to express their anger directly, young men are restrained, and taught that expressing their anger makes them "macho assholes". So now the shoe is on the other foot. Men are becoming more and more passive aggressive--using avoidance and other passive tools to express their anger.
Video games--perfect vehicle for male passive aggression. First of all, it is this virtual world to sink into, a haven to escape the powerless feelings--"soooorry, didn't hear you--I was busy playing my game"--on more levels than one. Video games are also largely violent, giving men a place to transfer their aggression. Some may argue that this is a healthy outlet, but if you are angry over a domestic dispute, and you "act out' your anger by shooting virtual people, you've reinforced the whole caveman thing--me angry, me kill.
The point I'm trying to make is that we need to work on our communication skills, and examine our attitudes. It is unhealthy and hypocritical to demonize men's expression of anger at the same time we encourage women's. We really need to find better ways of communicating, and they aren't coming from your x-box. Unplug from the noise and flashing lights, and have a listen to the still, small voice that is being ignored.
6 comments:
okay now wait-- are you saying sarcasm is passive aggressive? i have to ponder that... or is it sarcasm that isn't coupled with humor? is it exclusive? discuss?! bcs as i am quite sarcastic i'd be interesting if i was using that as a passive aggressive tool. damn. maybe i am... hmmm.
i think gaming in general is an escapist attitude- but it would be interesting to see how that would be a sort passive aggressive stance before it was an addiction, method of checking out, self-entertaining and what not- i don't know if women really can express their "anger" without being called a bee-atch but... interesting.
Whenever people complain about men's lack of skills in expressing their emotions I always think of all the great writers the world has known, most of them men. But OK, maybe not everybody can be William Shakespeare. Maybe that's why people should read more great thinkers like him. I heard of this new kind of therapy where people are given philosophy to read -- a therapist listens to your problems, evaluates what you need to read, and "prescribes" you a few books as a therapy tool, for self-healing. I think that's great. Knowledge is what heals you.
I miss sarcastic housewives.
Wow--such great, stimulating comments!
Mendacious--no, sometimes sarcasm is just aggressive--like when an abuser ridicules his abusee with sarcasm--it's not the weapon of the slave exclusively, but it is the one in their reach. If you are being sarcastic to express anger towards someone you don't feel comfortable being honest with, then yes, that's passive aggressive. I like Dorothy Parker's direct assault--leaves no question about what you mean, and you get to be devestatingly witty. Much more powerful and sexy, and way more likely to result in you having the last word, if that sort of thing is important.
Mariana made an exellent point about the ability men have to express themselves. Why does it seem that young men are so inarticulate? As a side note, I wonder about the bard, and his personal style of creating. Was he as articulate off the cuff, on the fly, in the moment? I bet he was, but was there ever conflict at home over the amount of time and passion he put into his craft, and what did those arguements sound like?
I like the idea of prescribing books--there are many people who could benefit from exposure to certain ideas. As long as you are not dealing with an organic (axis 1)type disorder like schizophenia, anyway....
And Kurt--I recommend the film "The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra" for one of the best sarcastic housewives ever :)
Yow! This is long enough to be another post. Do I get blogging credit for this?
Yes, you do get blogging credit for this! :D I was very interested in this paragraph you wrote: "I like the idea of prescribing books--there are many people who could benefit from exposure to certain ideas. As long as you are not dealing with an organic (axis 1)type disorder like schizophenia." Could you explain?
Psychiatrists diagnose on axis'-1 is organic conditions, 2 are personality disorders, and 3 is for "medical" problems.....schizophenia is a disorder of the actual brain, a "hardware" problem. Ideas have little to no impact, because the problem is neurochemical. But they could get some insight from reading.....
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