Really!

D o sumthing.......ergh

.........................[slurred trill]..................eh!

where's tha.....................thing..................I wanted? ya know, tha..............dammit.

dammit dammit dammit dammit DAMMIT!!!!!!! uuuuuuuugh!!!

tha.........thing tha plays MUSIC........................over there. it is. over there it is...........I'll jus'.......................................jus'........................................................["Rehab" begins on stereo]



[THUD]

DOAS pt 3: Rhyme "Furry" with "Ennui"

Dear Diary,
So, this is sentience.

whee.

More than just a little bit disappointing. In fact, you can HAVE it.

I'm a raccoon. I was about as ready for an existential crisis as a manatee is ready for pole dancing . Maybe less.

Ok, so I'm the first raccoon to contemplate it's own mortality. If you were planning on a plaque, keep it. What I need is a drink. Or something.

And to make matters worse---something has been eating my berries. Oh, I apparently have a concept of ownership now, and it is causing me no end of vexation.

My garbage, my berries, my den--my mortality, my nausea and inertia--[angry trilling]
I'm off to steal some booze and an Amy Winehouse CD.

It smells gross in here, but it's warm

I like what the raccoons have done with this place. Nice use of garbage to make a little soft place for resting. Best impromptu den I've seen, and I've stolen from quite a few. I like the same berries they do, so when they go out to do whatever shit raccoons do, I check out their stash. It's good stuff, after you wash their stink off. I may bring some of the cool squirrels with me next time. Peace out!

DOAS: pt 2

Dear Diary,
The trick-or-treating ruse worked like a charm! I have enough simple carbs to double my body weight eight times, but something tells me to go easy. I'm mildly disturbed by the leaps and bounds my intelligence has taken since lapping up that green glowy liquid that was dripping from the cloning tubes. There! How the hell do I know about cloning? I'm a frickin RACCOON.
And when did I learn to type?
Seriously--what the hell?

Diary of a Scavenger Pt 1

Dear Diary,

The new lair seems safe. The scent of blogger is old and faint, like it wasn't used very often. Good.
This abandoned blog is in close proximity to many bountiful back porches. Lots of food scraps in bins, and stale pet food in bowls.
The natives are dim and slow. Tomorrow night is Halloween. Planning to pass myself off as a trick- or- treater, and load up on carbs for the approaching winter. Hope I don't catch rabies!

Oh, Look! An abandoned Blog.........

.................shelter. maybe have litter here. feral babies have room to grow strong.
Raccoon happy!

Happy Autumn Equinox (today, maybe tomorrow.....)

We here at IRBHN World Head Quarters wish to extend our best wishes for the end of (brutally hot, bordering on homicidal) Summer to one and all. There. We've done it. Pagan holiday greetings--check.

One finds, as one grows older, that the tendency to behave like an elderly hippie rather increases.
Interests and enthusiasms for organic gardening "take root"(rim shot), and the whole thing begins to gather speed, eventually leading one to sourdough bread. It seems to be a short road from cultivating vegetables to cultivating wild yeasts. (One fears that cheese making and folk dancing may attempt to raise their rustic heads.)

...... not a WORD to the squirrels

...or the mice, either.

That tomato plant? The one I was in despair of getting anything from, what with the insane heat? It has TWO NEW FRUIT.

Seems that at some point overnight the temperature got cool enough for them to do their thing and make baby tomatoes. Now, if I can just figure a way to keep the critters at bay.........

The Boosh is Mighty: 4-Way Crimp

Mostly Safe for Work, except for the brief "fuck you" at the very end.
Crimpety crimpety........

Partial Apology to the Squirrelly Tribe

.... it seems I utterly failed to hold the MICE responsible for their part in the great tomato robbery. It is as though Beatrix Potter has set her cute little minions on a campaign of terror against my garden. I think it may be related to the record high temperatures here, and the water content of the plants.

Civic Duty---- Check!

For several years I was excused from jury duty because of my status as unpaid caregiver.

Yesterday, I did my first jury summons, and it really was surprisingly pleasant.

At first, it was like a flashback to high school-- a group of people stuck in an old building, wishing they were anywhere else.

The nice lady with the clipboard gave us these little numbered signs, like at an auction. They made good fans.

These case was civil suit, so nothing traumatic.

My favorite of the two attorneys was a mellow, confident older woman ( I think she'll win the case, just based on her obvious alpha status); the judge was a substitute, and had a Johnny Carson-like vibe-- he kept us entertained while the two sides made their choices.

I wasn't chosen, but the other two long haired dudes were, so yay Austin or something!

Squirrels Can Be Such Bastards Sometimes...........

.like today, when the twitchy nosed little fuck ganked BOTH juvenile beefmaster tomatoes, passing many green cherry tomatoes--no, the evil little tree rats had to have the last two tomatoes of the season, I get it.
Cute little malevolent gangrenous syphilitic blasphemies.

MILESTONE!!!!!!!!

I performed my 2,000th massage at work tonight---(2,000 there, not career total)
thats 100 times 100, times 2. And many of them were 90 minute or 2 hour sessions, so I've clocked way more than 2,000 hours at my "new profession".

Alyssa and Megan and Sarita and Andrea and Lee and Monica (receptionist and co-therapists) feted me with cupcakes (!), and the clients were generous---deep thanks to all.

I celebrated by using some of my tips to purchase the Amy Winehouse Back to Black CD--damn, I hope she survives-- she's like the Billie Holiday or Edith Piaf of our day---can Angelina Jolie do an intervention for her? If anyone can speak with gravitas about self re-makes it's AJ---she kinda used to be an Amy, and now she's a fabulous force for good (quiet, Jennifer).

LMT POV

.....stands for "Licensed Massage Therapist Point Of View".
This is how I remember my clients---upside down, on their backs, and really relaxed. Sometimes they get so relaxed that they regress to the olden days of black and white photography--but only when they get super duper extra relaxed. Like Sean, here.

Garden Update

The garden has grown quite a lot since the last time. It was an experiment in container gardening. As all that goes, I prefer the in-the-ground method when possible, so I'll be cultivating the large open back bits for a fall vegetable garden soon.
Against all expectations, the broccoli is flowering in this hellish Texas heat. Crazy plant.
Also, a sad before/after of the courgette/zucchini plant that produced one modest fruit.

I Hope This Is All Just A Vivid Nightmare

Never under estimate the power of tacky and over the top.

Q: How might one make "Total Eclipse of the Heart" even more cringe worthy?

A: Rewrite it in German, stage it with vampires. Et Voila! C'est toute merde!

My Brother Edd

Today marks the 57th anniversary of the birth of my brother, Edd. He died two months before his 51rst birthday, from hepatitis C contracted in Viet Nam. He never understood his importance in our family, nor would he have expected his passing to have the effect it did on the family as a whole, as well as the individual surviving members. He was our oldest brother's closest ally. He was Ma's "lost boy", having run away/whereabouts unknown on and off through the 60's and 70's, and he was my primary caregiver in early childhood. He helped shape my sense of humor--we shared a love of the absurd. He was a photographer in New Orleans, and a Harley Davidson mechanic here in Austin. He was also an excellent semi professional poker player, and was very generous with his considerable winnings. He saved the day more than once for several people with his generous nature. His wake was like a cross section of the population of earth--as diverse a group as one could imagine. He was accepting of others and more charismatic than he knew. It has been six years since his passing, and I do miss him dreadfully.
Happy Birthday, Edd.

UPDATE!!

Zowie! Long time, right? It isn't as though I had the best, most valid reasons for my absenteeism-- full time work, garden to tend to, zombie apocalypse...........[sings]there are zombies at the bottom of my garden.......... mind you, they make excellent fertilizer once properly mulched--unfortunately ( or perhaps, luckily) they produce zombie vegetables!

Unfortunate for the unsuspecting diner just trying to tuck into a big plate of broccoli with cheese sauce, then--boom! Brains eaten by broccoli; Lucky for the misanthropic host hoping to draw yet another tedious evening of entertaining to a swift conclusion--it is all a matter of perspective, really.

So, in the following days, be sure to rest up, get plenty of exercise (running from zombies is the healthiest thing imaginable, given the alternative), and eat your vegetables--


BEFORE THEY EAT YOU!

told you so