A 60's Memory Redux: Ruminations on Cannibalism, or the Threat Thereof

We've had a brief chat about this, once before. Seems I didn't quite get it all the way off my chest or something.

Way back in the mid 60's, I scared the hell out of the little boy across the street.

We had a large garden that was a popular play spot for the neighborhood kids. Most of the time I had a crowd of playmates. When it was time to come in, Ma always left it to me to clear out the revelers. Being basically well behaved kids, they all pissed off home after one prompt. All except the little tyke from across the street.

He was about 2 years younger, and quite uncooperative. All attempts at persuasion were met with sullen refusal. The one and only thing that effectively removed him from our property was the threat of being "eaten all up". For fuck's sake!

Here's a transcript of a typical exchange between us:

Young Taarzaan: It's time for you to go home now. You can come back tomorrow.

BratWurst: I don't have to!

YT:Yes, you do. Everyone else is already gone.

BW: I don't care. I don't wanna.

YT: I can't go in until you go home. It's time to eat, and I'm hungry. PLEASE go home!

BW: NO!!!

YT: If you don't go home, I'm going to eat you up.........

BW: Nuh-uh......

YT: Uh-huh!

BW: No you won't.

(Young Taarzaan holds his hands up parallel to ears, fingers curved into claws. Bares teeth, and begins walking towards BratWurst, gnashing teeth and growling.)

BW: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!!!

(flees in terror)

It worked, every time. I always thought he'd catch on--put two and two together, as it were. No soap. He never learned to avoid the threat of being eaten by leaving appropriately. And at his stage of cognitive development, the threat of being eaten remained effective.

There was a hitch, however. The little tater tot started having nightmares about me eating him.

So there I was, all of maybe 6 years old, having a confrontation with Mrs. BratWurst. Her position was that I had to cease and desist from all cannibalistic threats. My position was that it was the only effective lever I had for removing her spawn from my garden, and that it was incumbent upon her to instill a respect for boundaries in her tender vittle. We utterly failed to see eye-to-eye. (She was a good two feet taller than me.)

I wonder about young niblet--did he grow up doubting his place on the food chain? Or did he introject the values of the aggressor, and become an oral aggressive personality? And is he still tender and juicy looking?

Jerk-in-the-box

This nasty bit of business is called "Jerk-in-the-box". It is deliberately gender ambiguous, as it was based on several narcissistic people from both genders. It still needs the box and control rod.

Random Serendipity in the Livingroom

Random Puppetry Sculpting

This guy is going to be a creepy jack-in-the-box. After that, he may evolve into Mr. Punch. Time will tell.
In other news, I'm working on a rebus post. As though MadLibs(TM) weren't effort enough.....

What has 11 eyes, and was just sick on the capet?

Him.
Or possibly Her.
It, anyway..........................

Puppetacolypse Draws Ever Near

Bad news, world---I'm off to shop for puppet supplies today. Craft supply store, building supply store, weapons dealer--all on my "to do" list. I'm being escorted by my temporary minions (they're moving to Alaska in a couple of weeks). Once we've aquired the neccesary componants, we shall joyfully partake of sushi, or maybe even bulgogi.

(Kala, expressing her approval of puppet vengence. Shannon demonstartes the size of the puppet that attacked him)

Taarzaan as conversation topic

I just wanted to butt in here and tell everyone how often Taarzaan's name was spoken at the 2006 BEA Awards, usually fondly. He is an inspiration to many bloggers, particularly those who are struggling in obscurity (approx. 99.991%, although our sample was 100%). Everyone in Room 306 agreed that it is good to see him posting more often again, and several cried out "For he's a jolly good fellow," which led to a chorus of "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."

Todd was the only one present who had met Taarzaan and photographed him in his sleep, but he would not agree to answer our many questions, so for now all we have are his blog posts and the spent toiletries he left behind at the old OPE offices.

Praise all things Taarzaan!

Random Technology Upgrade

The old keyboard is dead--long live the keyboard!

I inherited the old one from my late brother--it was new in the late 80's, I think. It did a great job up until last night, when I doused it with soy milk. That lead to my choice of a water and dust proof model. It is soft silicon rubbery material that rolls up, and can be used in sandy or swampy conditions. Goodness knows how often the IRBHN HQ is visited by sand storms and/or floods. Just last evening, I was remarking:"Gracious! It has been a while since we had any serious climactic situations here in the office!"--then I poured soy milk on the keyboard. It resulted in the loss of the letter "T", the letter "Y", and the number "5".

Sounds like Sesame Street, now that I read it back.

BEA! BEA! BEA!!!!

Hoooray! IRBHN has been blessed with its second Blog Excellence Award--this time in the category of best dollhouse building and ice storm pictures! http://blogexcellenceawards.blogspot.com/

We will be unable to attend the awards ceremony in Fort Lee, New Jersey--but we know we can count on Kurt to collect it and use it as an extortion tool next time he needs a Todd-sitter--even after that incident with the zombie puppets and everything. He's just that kinda guy. He can't help it.

Vivid Dream

I had a very vivid dream just before waking--- I was reading a magazine. It was a smallish digest sized publication. I recall that it had a mostly white cover photo, and the magazine layout was based on altered books. There was a photo section that I really liked, and the article after that was titled Who In The World is Gatochy--it was a bio of Mariana, along with reprints from her blog.

Things to come? It could happen!

Just Random

You may say "Yow! You have a burning candle in your ear! Were you bad?" Or even "Yow! That is a very strange birthday cake for Sebastien---are you trying to drive him completely mad?"

Well--"No--I was good", and "NO--that would be redundant!!"

Happy birthday Sebastien! Beware platypus' jumping out of cakes shaped like old hippie bodyworkers!

Random Lili Taylor

I must confess--I really dig Lili Taylor. Not in an obsessive kind of way--there's tons of stuff she's done that I've never seen/might not ever see--I just really enjoy her when I do see something she's in. It's a combination of her feline looks, pleasing low pitched voice, and gestalt.
Ok--I'm done. I really didn't have much to say. And I see that this photo fails to capture the cat-like aspects of her face--I just like it.
Go look at this funny Joan Crawford montage video.
http://www.dan-o-ramaproductions.com/club_10b.html

Random Fiona Apple

Fiona's cover of "Sally's Song" from The Nightmare Before Christmas.
Her voice really suits this tune, and the arrangement is lovely.

Ice Storm Memories

Sigh.......I'm feeling nostalgic---for last week. It was quite pleasant having a meteorologically enforced time out after the post holiday massage rush (NOT complaining BTW). I spent 4 days inside, cooking, napping, watching cartoons and Hammer Horrors, and playing bass. Oh, yeah--and I took pictures for posterity.
(Why does that word always remind me of J Lo?)
The frozen air conditioning unit was beautiful and vaguely ironic.
The frozen cherub is just kinda poignant, or ironic if you think of Dante---if you are inclined to think suchly.

Granny Weathervane had a half inch of ice all along her top edge. Doesn't look very pleased about it, either.
The plantstand had nearly an inch of ice atop it--like a lense, or a covered walkway in St. Paul.
My bike looks forlorn, with the icy overhangs at brake, grip, and pedal. Good thing I hadn't planned to ride it just then. I should get a really good ride in as soon as the weather permits--all that cooking? Lead to eating.

Making the Most of Technology

Remember, kids---your monitor and keyboard make a dandy music stand!

Mwahhh-haaaa-haaaa!!!! My plan begins to come together.....

The various elements are beginning to come together--not quite at "gelling" stage--that takes more time in the 'fridge...........power tools--nearly complete..........building supplies--close by..........inspiration--check..........final book of forbidden knowledge---double check!!

Amber gave me a copy of Puppet Planet by John Kennedy (not that one) as a birthday gift--don't worry, she pretty much knows what she's unleashing on the world. I've had a puppet affinity since childhood that just hasn't cleared up. And as far as inspiration goes--remember all the brooding I've been doing about the narcissists in my past? Well.........puppetry is the best revenge, someone(me) once said (just this evening, to Morgan, at work). I had an epiphany---why let all those annoying memories just be a source of unhappiness? Why not, rather, harness all that crazy into something fun and funny?

So, the before mentioned puppet theatre will be built. Puppets shall be constructed, scripts written, and friends roped into performing. They know that if they refuse, I'll just parody them in puppet form. Stay tuned.......muah-ha-ha-ha-ha-hee-hee-hee-hee-giggle-giggle-chuckle...

Freezin Down in Texas

Brrrrrr!

We are used to god aweful heat done here, so this kind of frigid weather always throws us for a loop. Austin has been on ice since monday--really frozen in since tuesday.

I put up this parachute last summer, to block the westering sun. It has done a great job of keeping the ice and snow out of the carport--plus, when they froze, they would creak in the wind like frozen sails on a pirate ship. Sorry--cabin fever.....

There is a huge icycle in front of ma's ront window--it just keeps getting bigger.

Granny weathervane has a quarter inch of ice on her--no jokes about witches' anatomy and cold, ok? The birdbath cherub is frozen in up to his waiste. No shrinkage jokes, either, allright?

The birds know they can find food here--the parrots obviously spread the word. These guys are monk parrots, but they didn't take a vow of silence. Nor chastity, as they're are 4 younger ones with the two from last year. And I've never heard them make any reference to "crackers"---Polly doesn't seem to be at all concerned with them in the wild.

If this were a cartoon, there would be birds ice skating on the washtub--that which is destined to be a lily pond.

I've been dozey and hungry---some hibernating instinct kicking in. I have a cake in the oven--heats the house, and fills it with a pleasant aroma. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. How long are you going to make me type that until you get the whole "Shining" reference? All work and no...............................................................................fuck it.

Birthday Party or:the lovely dragon lady breeding many ugly american dreams.

She walked though a crowded room--most not even noticing her. But one person had to go and set off a whole series of mishaps. There was a big carload of crickets left over from the fishing expedition, but, alas, all the methane lakes evaporated,where cracked out cats dance the dance of death along its shores, screaming and screeching their way to the depths of hell. Together they dreamed of clockwork monkey world domination. And yet, nothing got done. So they just ran a gang like a chambermaid--clean but dirty. And they looked up at the glaring sun and knew that things would never be the same again.

No, you haven't stumbled onto a spamblog, and yes, I've had my medication (kidding)--the preceding was an "exquisite corpse" from my party. Not that I had dead people over for tea or anything--it's a surrealist writing game--one person writes two and a half lines, covers all but the last half line, and the next person completes it and adds another two and a half lines, and so on until the page is filled. Some may think that it is too literary/cerebral/square; others will find it too bizarre and unsettling. Others will be amused. It was a group of the third type that I had over last tuesday for fun and frolic, celebrating Amber's birthday (mine,too) Escorting Amber was the ever charming Justin, sporting his usual sly smile and suggestive hairstyle.

The groovetastic Dawn was was in attendance (thanks for the groovy tea towel, kitten!)--as were my young friends Shannon and Kala (pictured above modeling headware and holding the pinata--thanks for the pendant, box, bag, pouch, and quartz crystal you guys!). The brave and charming Rob turned up (thanks for the bass amp!), along with the ever stalwart Snayd (thanks for the Clerks II dvd!), and the elegant and charming Cynthia( thanks for the eye pillow!). Also in attendance was the ravishing Rahshemah and her consort Anthony (thanks, kids!).

As soon as YouTube is back up, I'll have the trailer to Dawn's new movie that is being released soon. She plays a murderous psycho. Fun!

Happy Birthday, Trey!

From all your staff at "I'd Rather Be Here Now."

01:07 minutes.

...and We'll All Have a Surreal Good Time

I'm turning 46 on Tuesday. Blows my mind.

I'm hosting a small, tasteful(?) surrealist themed birthday gathering at my home. I'm going to make a surreal pinata from a paper bag--it will be filled with words and images--hit it just right, and poetry falls out. Or curses, maybe......(be sure to read Mariana's post about the new super villain she invented--http://gatochy.blogspot.com/2007/01/new-kind-of-comic-book-villain.html).

The castle cake pan will come in handy--I just wish I had the time to do a full sized painting out of cake and candy, so we could recreate the Monty Python sketch ("I don't know much about art, but I know what I like....munch munch munch")

I wish for surreal quiz shows. I'd like to see something like Hollywood/Celebrity Squares, but with animals, mythological figures, emotions, weather....you get the drift. Instead of X and O, they would be ? and ; maybe. And it would be more Escher-like, with some of the people sitting upside down or sideways. That's entertainment!

Confessions of a Soap Fiend

I don't have a problem. Really! I can stop using soap any time I want to. I just don't want to!

Ok--so maybe I did buy enough soap in December of 2005 to last all of 2006 and beyond--I still have two bars left, one un-opened.

But be fair! I did buy a few bottles of shower gel, so of course my bar soap supply would last longer. A person will a real problem would have used it all up in the first month. I'm not addicted! Just really really clean.

What does a soap addict in recovery call themselves? Dirty?

"No, man--I've been dirty for months! I haven't touched the stuff in ages".

Really makes you think. About washing. Um---I'm just off the the um, er, other room, to um.....shave. Yes. Shave. Be back in about an hour. Heavy beard, you know.........now, where's that rubber ducky? You know--the one I use to shave with.

I hate it when you look at me like that.

Cyber Thanks to All My Generous Friends

Dear Mariana;
Thank you for the groovy gifts! The lobster is wiggling at me as I type this; the froggie will be opening the new years beverages, and the music box is the coolest thing anyone has ever given me. The tune is haunting--like something from a movie. I can just imagine a full orchestra taking up the melody----thank you!!!!
Dear Rob;
Thank you for the Pythons Autobiography by the Pythons book. It is giving me a different angle on my favorite anglos. You know me too well!
Dear Sandy;
Thank you for the newest fiction by Terry Pratchett! It was you that first got me started on him, all those years ago, when I got sick of fiction. You found one of the only fiction writers I enjoy. I'll try to read it slowly.
Dear Amber;
Thank you for the Hammer Horror box set. I know they are lost on people your age, but these were once considered very scary. The studio had a huge impact on me--much of my early photography and video work was homage/pastiche/rip offs of Hammer films. You've made me very happy!
Dear Dawn;
Thanks for the groovetastic t-shirt! It was thoughtful to design an original for me--"I'll take things only I know for $1000, Alex"--I can't begin to calculate how many times I've heard you say that while we were hanging out. It's comfy, too--I can't decide whetther to keep it special as a lounging shirt or what. Ma thinks it's pretty funny, too.
Dear Bart and Laura;
Thanks for all the cool stuff! I was happy with the monkey candy molds, then came the doll's house toilet and television. And if that wasn't enough fun--Dr. Terrible's House of Horrible!! Too funny, and what a companion to Amber's gift. You two should be spanked.
Dear Justin;
Thank you for whatever it is that still hasn't arrived. I have a pretty good idea, and I'm sure to plotz when it gets here. Don't feel bad--Mariana is still waiting for her gift from me to arrive. There were many mail snafus this season. Stop punishing yourself. Oh--you dress like that on purpose. never mind.
Dear Karen;
Than you for the book on Fang Shui, or feng shui for cats. It will come in handy for the new kitty, whenever it manifests its furry little self.
Dear Kala;
Thank you for the rune stones. They are a gorgeous shade of orange, and the bag you made for them is great!
Dear Shannon;
Thank you for the books! It was great to receive the entire series, specially after you had me read the first one. I'm looking forward to our swap on monday. Are you sure you and Kala have to move to Alaska? I'll be happy to take legacy clients, but I'd rather enjoy you two's company.
Dear Rahshemah;
Thank you for the groovy giant crystal and agate stand. It totally rocks(PUN!!)

I've Been Tagged!

Sebastien(http://chronicallysickbutstillthinking.blogspot.com/ )tagged me with the Christmas meme---list 3 things you'd like for xmas, followed by 3 things you wouldn't want. The second 3 are easy............well, easier, anyway......

Taarzaan's Wish List

1. A new vehicle. I am having "issues" with my truck. I'd like to be free of the anxiety--will it start?--so something reliable that I can shlep in.
2. The Xena box set. I love the freewheeling way they reinterpreted everything, from Homer to the Torah and the Vedas. Screw accuracy, we're telling a story, durn it!
3. ooooh, tough going----either a new vacuume cleaner, or a bass amp. If you find an amp that also cleans the floors, even better--as opposed to an amp the "just sucks".

Things I Wouldn't Enjoy

1. Magazine subscriptions. Seriously. My gran used to give everyone Reader's Digest. I loved my gran, but really.
2. Cologne. Not the place, the substance--again, gran flashback. She always gave this horrid lime scented stuff that made my cat gag. One should select one's own scent.
3. Anything motion activated that sings a holiday tune.

Who shall I tagg? Sadly there is no one--all my blogger friends (with the exception of sensei Delta) have already done this, and none of my monkey minions can type very well. I should have wished for more blogger friends to pass this on to. Oh, well........
I'm in holiday food prep mode today. I just finished baking the "pigs in blankets"--it's hard getting a pig to stay wrapoped up in a blanket, and as for stuffing it in the oven--good luck! Instead, I'm using wee "sausages", and wrapping them in "dough". Next, I'm on to the cookies. After that, it's baked brie with mushrooms and chives. Later, it will be time to make the gingerbread men. Then I'll be busy chasing them. "you can't catch me!"--we'll see about that.......

Happy Winter Solstice

Behold the Butterflies of CEU Compliance

These guys each represent 6 hours of continued education. Ariana, the CEU provider, gives these out along with the certificates. If you get audited, don't try to mail in the butterflies.
I'm ready for another year in my new career. My insurance is paid up, CEUs covered, license renewal check cleared--all's clear for the new year.

"Tis STILLL The Season: Baking Jag/Amber's Fabulous Ruby Slippers

Ok--First the baking jag. This cake pan totally speaks LOUDLY to my inner child--lucky little bastard. It reminds me of a sand castle mold my Ma gave me when I was 6. I've been making cake castles--it's loads of fun, and people enjoy receiving them. Plus, you can play Godzilla while you have dessert.
Next month at my birthday, I'm going to combine 4 of them into a large sprawling castle, and we shall lob grapes at it with spoons--prizes to the invader who gets them most direct hits.

Amber's faboo ruby slippers--a gift from me, via her wishlist. She put them right on, and did a little happy dance. She is so prosh! She's smiling because I also gave her the fabulous tiny globe pendant in a silver cage--again from her wishlist.
She gave me a collection of 6 Hammer Horror films--from my wish list.



Powdered sugar makes edible snow on Castle Chocula.

Get Well Soon, Gatochy!

My most favoritest kitty on the entire European continent is having surgery again. Her humans are two of the most loving, devoted, and generally kick ass pet parents on earth-- we send love and support to the entire Gatochy family--be well soon, miss kitty! Hang in there, Mariana and Prince Charming!

"Tis the Season for O Henry-like Situations

My ma was 2 when the stockmarket crashed in 1929. My grandparents were resourceful and hardworking, and the family made it through the great depression, and held on to values that developed during and because of it.
On some basic level, Ma is expecting another great depression. She is cautious with money, but far from miserly or withholding.
Her gift giving reflects her early life experience, when she and her closest brother would save things they came across during the year as Christmas gifts. This year she had a money clip from the 70's and a freebie calendar for my surviving brother. She wasn't really satisfied with the calendar, and the money clip turned out to be damaged and not giftable. Although she didn't make a big scene about it, it was obvious to me that she was deeply disappointed and upset. I got a real sense of her younger self, and the deep caring that goes in to her every gesture. Although her judgment has often been extremely poor, her intentions have always been the best. So I got pretty choked up about her being choked up about not having a gift for my brother. Still with me?
I dug out a money clip given to me by our late brother. My two brothers were a year apart, and always close, so I felt that it would be far more meaningful to my surviving brother. Ma was very pleased to have a replacement, and I suggested that we design a calendar ourselves to go with it. Ma went through old family photos, and came up with a concept for each month. She sat here at the computer with me and played art director. The above image is her December collage--we decorated the doll'shouse.

WTF #2: Recumbent Bikes

Recumbent bikes---I don' trust 'em--I tink der up to somethin..........but seriously, wtf?
Bicycling is supposed to be a healthy pursuit. So let's design a bike that makes it more hazardous. Let's lower the sight line--no worries, we'll just stick a flag on it--people are sure to see that. And let's have your head right where you can suck up the car exhaust--it's right there in front of your face--breath deep! Also, the head is now conveniently at bumper level--let's have a round of concussions with neck trauma for everyone!
And why do the people I see laying in these bloody things look so smug?

'Tis The Season For Eye Strain

This is the wee tiny stocking I just made for Ma's doll's house--it's so much easier to decorate on the small scale, but sewing two of these 1 inch by a half inch stockings took a toll on my eyes. I'll be 46 next month, and seeing weensy things close up is not as easy as it once was--even threading the needle was a fun game of chance and skill. But I got a much bigger sense of accomplishment--plus, I felt just like the tailor in the Beatrix Potter story that made the tiny clothes for the mice. Harmlessly crazy.

WTF? No. 1--'tis The Season to Wonder WTF

Okaaaaaaaay...........this is really straining the seams of bad taste. Imagine you suddenly awaken in a bathroom (hasn't happened to me in years, thank you), and this is the first thing you see. After your scream of esthetic horror stops echoing off the tiles, you have a moment to gather your shaken wits--think, think, think--what kind of monster's lair have you stumbled into? Probably elderly (good--easy to run away from), definately caucasion.......after that, it's all guess work. Just climb out the bathroom window before they come to investigate the screams--on second thought, they're no doubt used to them by now--just go. If you can't get out the window, play Santa and flush yourself.

commercials make me want to write haikus

In response to a couple of annoying adverts (body spray and a phone company)



Click counter each time
Someone looks at you with lust
Masturbate later


Deny it all day
But it is quite apparent
Indeed it's a phone


There! I feel better. Thanks, and sorry.

Puppetosis Diagnosis

Oh, dear....my childhood case of puppetosis is flaring up again. I managed to make it through the past couple of decades with only minor symptoms, and only then when confronted with really well crafted puppets.........now, I feel again the old urge to make evil puppets.
Zombunnie was the first new idea. Just an average, brain eating undead rabbit. No big.
More challenging is Sick Sock. I don't really know how to get started on him. I expect he'll undergo several changes on the way.
The point being--puppet vlogging. 2007.
Be annoyed. Be very annoyed.

RMT POV

I got an idea for a photography project called "RMT POV".
People look different at the end of a massage--they are relaxed, for one thing. Usually, the first half of the session they are face down. By the time they turn over, they are already feeling better. Add to that the perspective of the therapist standing at the head of the table. People look different when viewed from the top. Features are elongated. Everyone looks thinner and younger or something.
So, I want to take pictures of friends etc, on my table, blanket up to chin, from above-- the view I see for the last part of a session. Then you'll understand why it's hard to recognize clients when they are dressed and standing up.

Taarzaan: Too Content for Content? The IRBHN Interview

We here at IRBHN are horrified at the shameful lack of updates of late. We traced alleged blogger Taarzaan to his central Texas lair to put him to some direct questions.
Treading silently, we crept up behind Taarzaan, and shouted "BOO!".
We came to shortly after, an apologetic looking Taarzaan assuring us that the swelling would soon subside. We gathered our notes (and teeth) while Taarzaan put the kettle on. We couldn't help noticing--the lack of tension in his face, his relaxed manner, the playful preparation of the tea....was this the same person who knocked us unconsious just a few minutes ago? We put it to the question:
IRBHN: Dude! You totally hit me in the face!
Taarzaan: You startled me, pinhead!
IRBHN: ..and now, you're all chilled, and mellow and playing with the tea mugs. Psycho or something?
Taarzaan: Not even. As if! and bite me.
IRBHN: Oooh, Oscar Wilde, look out!
Taarzaan: I have an idea--startle me again. It'll be funny!
IRBHN: Ahem. So--you haven't been blogging so much for a while. Isn't that what bloggers do? Blog? Am I crazy, or what?
Taarzaan: Well, you are definately crazy, but that doesn't invalidate your point--entirely.
IRBHN: So, what's up, monkey man?
Taarzaan: erm.....all sorts of stuff. I was adjusting to the rigours of the new career for a while, and had to lay off the keyboard. I kinda got out of the habit of writing. Then, there's the whole "I keep my mouth shut unless I'm bitching about something" aspect.
IRBHN: Ah, yes--like Sensei Delta said:(writers work best if they're just a tad miserable).
Taarzaan: Bull's eye. I set out to change my life--I was over worked, over burdened, yatta yatta---and now it's pretty much all good. I'm kinda lazy and content just now.
IRBHN: Any plans for future posts?
Taarzaan: I don't think I've fully exploited the Mad Libs thing, and I always found the rebus to be a delightful platform for mirth. And I'm starting to feel all crafty again--I may just get around to that puppet theatre, and some puppets. That may lead to webcam video blogging. Who knows? Now, fuck off--I'm gonna get jazzed up on coffee and lift weights.

In Response To That Damned Annoying Commercial on the Television:

Attn: You ARE a phone company. It IS a PHONE! And don't presume to tell me what to call things. Things are what they are. Deal with it. I don't care how trendy or "cutting edge" your product or service is. You are too needy and controling. And your adverts suck.
There! Off my chest.

Psychiatric Memories, Pt 1: Using Your Powers for Good

I don't know what brought this memory up, but it has been fluttering around me all evening. Blogging usually makes them go on their way........
About 4 years ago, while I was employed in the admissions department of the local State Psychiatric Institution, I ran into a bit of a puzzler. It was a busy-ish night, my bastard supervisor was taking time off (the lazy putz), I was working alone (other than the grounds nurse/house supervisor), and I was faced with a delicate situation. The local mental health authority (the folks who exist to prescreen those who may be in need of hospitalization) sent me a gentle, frightened woman--mid 40's, looked like a PTA mom, quite dignified and charming. Her mental health had taken a bit of a downswing--she was convinced that men were trying to break into her house and steal her possessions. Several visits from the police had done nothing to appease her terror, and she had purchased a handgun. This made the authorities quite uncomfortable, so they sent her my way.
When a person is admitted to the place I was employed, many items are not allowed on the treatment units ("wards" in old parlance). She had most of her material possessions with her. And I had to be the one to A: tell her that she couldn't take them with her, and B: bag/tag them for the safe. As you can well imagine, she freaked when I told her that her house keys--a point of great fear and protectiveness--would have to be locked up. So, what did I do? I got her directly involved with the project, allowing her to keep an eye on me and her things all the way through. She assisted in listing the items, then together we put them in the bags, placed the information on them together, then I had her actually drop them in the safe. When it came time for her to leave for the unit, she shook my hand and thanked me. I'm glad it all worked out--she was sweet, and I would have felt like an utter brute had she become violent, making physical intervention a neccessity. So now, I send my thanks to this person, and wish her well.

"Wait a minute--is this some damn lesson? "Cuz I HATE learnin!"

(above is a quote from Anne Magnuson's Vandemonium)

So, it's been interesting going at work.........many people coming in with unusual pains--mostly mid trapezius(!) and stuff.........more healthcare professionals, another hearing impaired client, people grieving.........lots of opportunity to nurture people.
Sunday was some sort of damn lesson--I had it in my senile head that I didn't start work until 5:30pm that day---at a quarter of 3 I realized that I needed to be there SOON (3!!)--so I grabbed what I had worn the day before, rushed out the door without doing my usual grooming ritual, got there a few minutes late (as opposed to my habitual 10 minutes early)--and managed to make the clients really really happy, despite being off my usual routine. So there's some damn opportunity to learn somewhere in there...........

Happy Blog Birthday to Mariana

( fireworks display held in honor of Gatochy's 2nd anniversary. Damn the expense!)

Congratulations to Mariana at Gatochy's blog (see button to your left) on her second year of blogstardom! She is the BlogDiva, blogoddess, an inspiration, and a great friend--cheers, M!

Theme Week at Work

This has been my week for medical personell-- three nurses, a doctor, a physical therapist, and a pre-med student. I LOVE working on these guys--they give good feedback, and really appreciate the work. Plus, they really need some nurturing, so YAY!!!!

Geo-Theraputic Rejuvenation

Ok, so I planted my face in the garden last saturday night--and today it's just about 100% healed. The skin is smoother and younger looking on the injury site--my left side looks younger than my right. This leads me to promote "Geo-Therapy for a Younger Looking You". All you need is the planet, some anti-biotic ointment, plasters, and time.
It's simple--useing the earth's gravity, you collide your face with the earth's crust (the mantle and core are for more serious cases). Once you've "kissed our mother hello", just apply ointment, plasters, and wait. Viola! Safer than botox, cheaper than clinical dermabrasion, and the supplies are mostly right at your feet!
The author of this blog assumes no responsibility for the individual outcomes of this modality. It's mostly a "silver lining" attempt to "save face". Oooooh--bad pun!

Summer Reading List

Children's Books That Didn't Make It ...

1. You Are Different and That's Bad!
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife -- Robert
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's It; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident!
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop Goes The Hamster & Other Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Mixed Karma Weekend, or "Ouch, but Thanks....."

This has been an interesting weekend, to say the very least.
Friday afternoon, coming home from the nurserry with plants for the garden, my truck blew the radiator hose--right in rush hour traffic, in 100 degree heat, me wearing my cliche' black t-shirt. On the fortunate end, one of my co-workers and former classmates--my sweet dharma sister Lisa--was passing, and stopped to assist. All I really needed at that point--having made all the neccesary and appropriate calls already--was water--than you, Lisa! Shortly after that, the kindest, most laid back police officer showed up to provide assistance while I waited for the tow truck. The towing people were nice--they took me home to unload plants before dropping the truck off. The shop was anticipating my arrival (yay cell phone)--we are replacing the radiator--I should have it back monday about noon.
Then, last night, sitting out in the developing garden, I had a blood sugar event. I had consumed WAY more carbs than I'm used to, was fatigued, it was hot---I came over extremely dizzy, and did a face plant, right in the dirt. Quite lterally "hit the dirt". Fell like an ox. Right on my mug. Ouch, but could have been worse. The impact was mostly to my left zygomatic process--"cheekbone" to most folks. It didn't mess up my eye, didn't break my nose, no split lip or injured teeth--for a couple of traumatic events in such a short time, they were both much better than they might have been. Plus, my wonderful friend Rob was able to provide transportation to buy neccesary things like groceries and first aid supplies. Thanks, Rob!!

Downtime Update

Hey kids--it's been a while.........[uncomfortable period of silence, eye contact avoided]....I'm having another truck repair day, hence the "at home, on the computer" state of things.............
the new career is going quite well--the time flies when I'm in session--a good indicator that I've found the right livelihood. Still, the forearms get fatigued, as do the thumbs. Hence the not blogging for a couple of weeks........
Mariana started a great campaign--it's in honor of people who would never abandon their pets while on holiday.http://proudtosay.blogspot.com/
It's a positive reinforcement idea--so much kinder and easier than sending me to rip people's spines out (that Mariana is so thoughtful--she knows I'm almost to 40 years of non-violence, and is aware that my knowledge of anatomy and fierce love of animals puts me in a unique position regarding the whole spine ripping thing, but no......) she has cool buttons you may copy and paste onto your own blog (as soon as I figure out how to do that, you'll see one here). Apparently, some people think it's perfectly ok to go on holiday, and leave the companion animals to starve. Just amazing, in that "I don't believe a human being would do something so fucked" kind of way. Not only would I never do that, but I will care for neighbor's pets while they're on holiday. My nextdoor folks had me feed their sweet dog "Cookie" for a few days, and I got a groovy chiminea for my effort.
Which brings me to my last topic and excuse for the lack of posts lately--I''m planning a meditation garden in the back, just outside my window. When Sandy moved, I scavenged all the stone out of her (former) back garden.....they make a lovely circle , which has been divided into quadrants, each to have it's own theme. Closest to the house will be the herbs and vegetables--I plan to stack a drywall, and build up with compost and soil. Next to that will be the "grasslands"--I plan to plant pretty grasses that will ripple and sway in the wind, along with fragrant lavender. Moving along, we come to what will be the cactus garden--imagine sand, agave plant, cacti--that's where the chiminea is, along with the old wagon wheel--all I will need is a steer skull to complete the southwestern cliche'........finally, we will come to the water garden--I have a horse trough that will make a great aquaculture container--imagine cattails, dwarf lotus, etc--I plan to surround it with ferns, crepe myrtle, and irises.
I spend most of my time after work in the back, planning. My before mentioned neighbors are a little creeped out--gardening in the dark just looks so unsavoury.........