Shameless Re-Print of OPE Interview

freaking Blogger is all photo-phobic again today, damn it to Ladie's Home Journal
Yikes. Just yikes. My irresponsible focus on building my massage career has had the anticipated effect on my blog. I can't believe the dust that has accumulated here--it's like Tut's tomb, with only 40% of the curse value, and none of the treasure. Not even the bones of a grave robber--and that's nice for a change.
So, you may well ask, what lame-arsed attempt to fob off a weak attempt at a new post will I try today?
So glad you asked!
As some of you may recall, I sat in for blogmaster Kurt when he up and went a'journeying a little while ago. As I was severley limited in my blogging--something about keeping nudity and blasphemy to a bare minimum--I was forced to resort to being interviewed. And doing the actual interviewing. As it turns out, 13 years in a psychiatric institute (EMPLOYED THERE, thank you) left me somewhat, well, mad as a fish--just the trait one needs to do a self interview.
So, without (much) further ado (ado, ado, adooooooo!!!!), I present to you, the IRBHN reader that might have failed to just click the damn link (talking about YOU, Bart) and read it on OPE (don't whine about how long the page takes to load--your using Windows BC, you dino-flatus)
the afore mentioned interview. Just grit your teeth and take it like a manatee (if they had teeth)
Taarzaan: The OPE Interview
We here at OPE have been flooded with an utter lack of curiosity about ad hoc/interim/pseudo blogmaster Taarzaan, of I’d Rather Be Here Now, and his vision for OPE. Mostly we get concerned, even anxious inquiries as to Todd’s wellbeing, current location, and state of attire. We take all of this in the spirit it is no doubt meant—bitter, suspicious bordering on paranoid, resentful—business as usual.Taarzaan graciously consented to be queried by OPE. Deal with it.
Taarzaan joined us in the OPE staff lounge, casually dressed in cargo shorts, sandals, and what’s best referred to as a faded biker t-shirt. His hair—long salt and pepper—was pulled back in a disorganized pony tail, looking as though he’d just woken up, and had eschewed grooming. This impression was furthered by his morning breath, and desperate consumption of coffee.
OPE: Thank you for joining us today. I’d like to start by having you reveal something to our readers that you’ve never revealed to your own readers.
Taarzaan: I already don’t like you.
OPE: Fair enough. Pony up with the revelation anyway, Skippy.
Taarzaan: hmmm……..ok, when I was a teen, I had a long spate of somnambulism, and would frequently go on slumber runs on my brother’s motorcycle.
OPE: Get out!
Taarzaan:(rises to leave)
OPE: No, no—sit down, it’s just an expression, like “wow” or “you’re kidding”
Taarzaan :Damn—I thought we were through.
OPE: So, you would ride your brother’s bike in your sleep?
Taarzaan: Yeah—I woke up once after what had to be a spectacular wipe out. And one time I woke up in bed, with fresh bandages—I wiped out in my sleep, and either bandaged myself, or got medical assistance. All without waking up.
OPE: Ok, now you’re seriously creeping me out.
Taarzaan: Teach you to be nosey, eh?
OPE: So, do you still ride?
Taarzaan: Nah—I sold my bike for massage school funds. That, and HD has become so bourgeoise.
OPE: Ok—tell us about your blog, ‘I’d Rather Be Here Now”.
Taarzaan: I like to blog. Who knew it would become such a fun hobby. I was a huge fan of underground comix and the National Lampoon in the 70’s, and spent lots of time writing and drawing crude “zines”—way before it was popular. So blogging is a logical extension of my lifelong love of satirical humor. The technological advances of the past decade have given the dilettante smart ass the power of an art director, taking smart-assery to levels unanticipated or spoofed.
OPE: I understand you’ve been somewhat of a bell whether of unfortunate cultural trends.
Taarzaan: You could say that. I was working on what would have been the world’s first modern music video in 1978, as a school project. And I was a proto-Goth in 1980. Robert Smith totally stole my look.
OPE: God, you’re a sad bastard.
Taarzaan: Bite me.
OPE: Moving on……. How are you getting on with Todd?
Taarzaan: (over shoulder) Todd! Need coffee!
OPE: You seem to be getting the hang of that…..(Todd enters, refills Taarzaan’s massive coffee mug)
Taarzaan: Thanks, lad. 'preciate it.
OPE: Enough of that, now, or we’ll be months dismantling the extra self esteem.
Taarzaan: Cry me a river. Todd’s great. It has taken me a bit of adjusting to the toadying. I tend to be a rather self sufficient lone wolf type….
OPE: (gagging)
Taarzaan: gimme a kiss…….anyway, as I was saying, it wasn’t easy for me, having my ass kissed, early, often, and eagerly, but I am sort of getting the hang of it. I’d been consulting Kurt on the subject of “personal assistants”, and he thought this would be good first hand experience.
OPE: Is there a reason you’ve taken an interest in lackeys?
Taarzaan: Well, I’ve long been flying in the face of family tradition—something the courts look favorably on when handing down sentences—but as I get older, I find myself becoming more like my ancestors.
OPE: Meaning?
Taarzaan: That one day I will don the white lab coat, and utter the family motto: “Fools! I’ll destroy all of you!”
OPE: So you’ll no doubt be needing an Igor to call your own?
Taarzaan: Precisely.
OPE: So, you are planning on becoming a mad scientist when you retire. Are there any rough draft plans for world domination?
Taarzaan: Oh, yes—I had to submit a grant proposal already; there is so much competition for funding. I have a plan to breed pigeons with Celine Dion DNA. The idea is, they are mostly normal looking birds; it’s just that they sing like Celine Dion—in unison. So I hold the world hostage—pay up, or I release the Diva Doves.
OPE: That would be hell on earth. I must admit, I’m impressed, and feeling slight homicidal urges towards you.
Taarzaan: Get bent. New topic! I’ve been doing research on Todd!
OPE: Pardon?
Taarzaan: I’ve been reading through the OPE archives for all references to Todd. I’m compiling a complete dossier. Stay tuned!
OPE: Have I remarked on what a sad, twisted person you are?
Taarzaan: At least twice.
OPE: Well, I think we’ve got a better view of the man in the temp position.
Taarzaan: Nicely put.

Now, if you think that was disturbing, you should watch me shave.........