Posts
I just got over a short bout of food poisoning--unpleasant,yes-- and it gave me some insight, of the uncomfortable variety. As people often do when unwell, I had unpleasant dreams, and I realized that they conformed to a pattern that has existed since childhood.
As a young person--8 years old--way too young for existential nausea-- I had a recurring nightmare about a vast room, as big as infinity, with a chessboard floor. I was alone in it, sometimes near a wall, which was frightening--I knew I could walk forever and never find another wall; sometimes I was somewhere towards the middle of the room--also frightening, as I knew I could never reach a wall, no matter if I walked forever. Ok, this dream, easy to interpret-- cosmic insignificance/ultimate aloneness. Way too young, but I was a precocious little bastard.
Then, in adolescence, came the dream about floating in space--no body, just consciousness--holding a huge number in my mind. Before me is a galaxy, and I have to count the atoms in every bit of matter. There are endless galaxies all around me in every direction, I have to count them all, and if I lose count, I'll be sent back to the "beginning". Quite hellish, thanks a lot.
Now, the dream has evolved into one of words--a completed work will manifest in my consciousness, and I'm expected to recall and produce it. Always a vast body of work, complete--and me left to bring it into being.
So that's my fear. Monsters don't scare me-- even as a child, I dreamt about conquering monsters. In one I had as a quite young child of 5, a dragon was in our neighborhood, and I set out to slay it, sword and all. I found it boarding an airplane, and it smiled benignly at me, so I watched it carefully until it was gone. I was willing to kill it, but as it was leaving, and signaling harmlessness, I watched it warily rather than just slaying it because it was a dragon. Rescuing others from monsters has been a theme in my dreams-- they are stressful, but I always manage to come up with something to sort the problem out.
My real fear, I realize, is not being able to live up to a responsibility, failing in a duty that I don't understand, and/or being burdened with more than I can manage.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
I can't recall any childhood fears, just a general sense that absolutely no one in the world cared about me in the slightest. But that was true.
I'd call that scary--but now, you have a hoard of adoring fans, begging to be you! Thank fuck that time moves forward!
You were such a special child. I was scared of all the usual monsters: the one under the bed, the other one that just generally lurks in the dark -- at one time I was even scared there might be aliens in the closet! You name it.
You have such interesting dreams. Most people's dreams, the minute they begin to tell them you realize they're only interesting to them.
Thank you! I'm much better, and feeling like I processed more than physical toxins out of my system.
Post a Comment