Thursday, May 15, 2008

Meme--I got Tagged by Mariana at Gatochy's Blog


1. Pick up the nearest book.
2. Open to page 123.
3. Locate the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences on your blog and in so doing…
5. Tag five people, and acknowledge who tagged you.

From the 1948 Good Housekeeping Cookbook:

"Cover necks well with clam liquid or water; cook about 10 min. Strain liquid into soup; discard necks. Add tomatoes, 2 cups more of clam liquid, soft parts of clams, and flour combined with 2 tablsp. of water."

I'm only tagging Mendacious--Kurt would beat me (or send an intern), and Delta is way too busy being a productive citizen of Finland, and Sebastien hasn't updated in a while, and......you get it.
Oh, BTW--it's a recipe for curry clam soup.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Random Stuff



So---back when I thought I would be moving to Montana, I placed some sprouting potatoes in my compost heap--the same heap I'd put all my potting soil and organic compost in. They took off and grew like crazy, and yesterday I harvested fresh spuds from my garden. Never having had them fresh from the earth before, allow me to say "WOW!!". Tender--amazingly so. Made the most toothsome hashbrowns at breakfast, and mashed at dinner--you could just plotz. I'm going to try soup, next. There will be onions to harvest soon---probably going to become soup, too. (I'm a soup crazed soup addict--don't try to get between me and the broth if ya know what's good fer ya)
Speaking of soup--I made fresh cream of mushroom last night---again with the "wow". Using half-n-half makes a big difference (no more skim in my soup, merci beaucoup)
And being truly random, let me say that The Long Kiss Goodnight is my favorite Geena Davis movie.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Reprinted from The Onion

Stop Making Movies About My Books

By Dr. Seuss
April 2, 2008 | Issue 44•14

Dr. Suess
  • On the fourteenth of March, in towns nationwide,
  • In every cinema, multiplex, on every barnside,
  • Gleamed another adapting of one of my books,
  • CGI-ed and digitized by another sly crook.

  • Horton, my favorite—look how he's been treated!
  • Stuffed with tinsels and tassels and promptly excreted!
  • The puns! And the filler! The script fees you must save!
  • While I tumble and grum-humble around in my grave.

  • Did you learn all but squat from The Cat In The Hat?
  • Please tell me you fired the prick who made that.
  • I would have stopped writing, maybe sold Goodyear tires.
  • If I knew one dark day I'd costar with Mike Myers.

  • And Oh!
  • Oh, dear! Oh!
  • My poor Grinch, what they've done!
  • They crammed in live-action and snuffed out all the fun!

  • It's icky, it's tacky, it's awkward, it's wrong.
  • The Whos look like ferrets, it's an hour too long.
  • What a rotten idea to spend millions destroying
  • This masterful tale kids spent decades enjoying!
  • But still you keep making them!
  • Just how do you dare?
  • Sell my life's work off piecemeal
  • To every Tom, Dick, and Har'.

  • Why it's simply an outrage—a crime, you must judge!—
  • To crap on my books with this big-budget sludge.
  • My books are for children to learn ones and twos in,
  • Not commercialous slop for Jim Carrey to ruin.

  • Have you no respect for the gems of your youth?
  • To pervert them on screen from Taiwan to Duluth.
  • Even after you drag my last word through the dirt,
  • I know you, you pirates,
  • You'd cut out my heart for a "Thing 1" T-shirt.
  • For eighty-some years I held you vultures at bay,
  • knowing just how you'd franchise my good name some day.
  • Not yet cold in my grave before you starting shooting
  • the first of my classics you'd acquired for looting.

  • Mrs. Seuss, that old stoofus, began selling more rights
  • to Dreamworks, Universal—any hack in her sights.
  • First The Cat In The Hat and then this, that and Seussical
  • without a thought to be picky, selectish, or choosical.

  • So to Audrey, you whore, you sad sack of a wife:
  • Listen close. Pay attention, for once in your life.
  • You give Fox In Sox to those sharks who made Elf
  • And so help me, I'll rise up and kill you myself.

  • No Sneetches by Sony—
  • No One Fish: On Ice
  • Burn that Hop On Pop II script not one time but twice.
  • Don't sex up my prose with Alyssa Milano…
  • And no Green Eggs And Ham with that one-note Romano!

  • This must stop! This must end! Don't you see what you're doing?
  • You're defiling the work I spent ages accruing.
  • And when it's dried up and you've sucked out your pay
  • There'll be no going back to a simpler day,

  • When your mom would give Horton a voice extra deep,
  • And turn the last page as you drifted to sleep.
  • Instead you'll have boxed sets, shit movies, and… well,
  • You'll have plenty to watch while you're burning in hell.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

At The Movies with Amber: 10,000 B.C.


Amber called to ask if I wanted to go see "10,000 B.C." with her. (duh!!)
We met at our neighborhood theatre that serves food and wine and stuff (yum! and Hic!)
The movie was cool to look at (Amber gave it points for the HHNGF(hot half naked guy factor)),
but she was displeased with the relative lack of giant sabre-tooth kitty screen time (it was, after all, the reason we were there, besides the wine and chocolate cake and pizza and stuff).
I learned a bunch of stuff, like I always do at the movies (like the Spartans were totally straight)
Here's what I learned:
Prehistoric people had really great teeth/skin/hair, and they totally lacked cooties and zits, and cavities and stains and gross stuff like that.
The Egyptians built the pyramids in pre-history by using woolly mammoths or maybe mastodons, and they were totally ok in the desert heat, and didn't faint or even look uncomfortable (the big hairy elephants, not the Egyptians).
Pre-historic people had less blood than modern people, because you could run them through with big spears and stuff, and there wouldn't be any messy pools of gore anywhere--just like in the 40's and 50's (pre-history to today's young folks), and they didn't get infections from cuts and stuff--lucky pre-historic people!
I think you should run, not walk, to the theatre to see this movie if Amber calls and asks you, but she probably won't, now that she knows that the preview had about as much giant kitty time as the rest of the movie (the giant kitty must have a really good agent).
Don't be sad!

Thursday, March 06, 2008

A trio for my inner child

Hes got a real twisted sense of humor,poor little guy.....but seeing how he's been pretty unhappy for a while, I thought I'd give him a treat. Plus,he hasn't taken money out of my wallet in months, so he totally deserves these.
My apologies to all my tasteful friends, and PBS.





Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

:D

Cheers!

A Lovecraft Christmas
by Paul M. Lemieux, copyright 1989. ``With apologies to Clement
Moore.''
To the tune of ``'Twas the Night Before Christmas'':

Twas the night before Yuletide and all through the hole
Not a creature was stirring, not even a Dhole
Aldebaren hung at the right place at nine
In the hopes that Great Cthulhu would come out this time

The Fungi from Yuggoth, all snug in their caves
Were plotting to turn all the people to slaves
The Deep Ones in Rlyeh, the Ghouls in their graves
Were dancing and singing and acting depraved

When what do my wondering eyes should appear
But a mouldering sleigh and eight corpselike reindeer
With a horrible driver so leprous and reeking
I knew right away that my fear was unspeaking

The reindeer were gross, as they flew up from hell
And It hoarsely whispered and chanted a spell
Ia Shub Niggurath! Cthulhu ftagn!
Nyarlathotep! I summon you on!

As decomposed flesh before the charnel stench rise
And meet with the open air polluting the skies
Up to the housetop the horror it rose
And the gangrenous odors assailed my nose

And then in a slopping noise heard on the roof
The lumbering clomping of octopoid hoofs
As I drew in my head and was turning around
The horror lurched into my room with a bound

Its eyes how they pulsate
So bulbous and gory
This blasphemous creature
So noxious and hoary

I was frozen by fear, my feet woudn't run
I threw up my cookies, this wasn't much fun
It whispered my name and said ``You come with I''
I tried to refuse and it said ``Then you die.''

It came at my throat with its grim claws extended
But a miracle saved its victim intended
I had three Elder Signs in a slot in the floor
It screamed with a fiendish sound and went out the door

It sprang to its sleigh, and its team gave a surge
And away they all flew to the sound of a dirge
I heard it exclaim as it flew out of sight
``You're lucky this time, for the stars weren't right.''

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Breaking Silence, or I got Tagged by Mendacious


So. I haven't been blogging lately. I tend to write from two places :sincere or silly.
Haven't been very silly lately, and the sincere still leads to the tearful, hence me being all quiet.
But since I got tagged with the "7 random" meme, here goes (except I'm not following the "pass it on" rule):
1. My accent is difficult to place.
People guess everything from California to England--seriously. I learned to speak English from the television, after it had been discovered that my infant "babbling" was actually Czech I had learned from the nanny (she didn't baby talk to me like the family).
2. My eye color is difficult, too.
They used to be green--vividly so. Overtime, the green divided into a ring of blue at outer iris and a ring of yellow around the pupil. People call them blue, grey, brown, green--depending on light, the color of my shirt, and emotional state. Seriously.
3. I'm allergic to strawberries and opiates--synthetics, too.
I eat fresh hot peppers without a second thought, but strawberries burn like lava. And most prescription pain killers make me violently ill--itching, dizziness, nausea---seriously.
4. I have been practicing non-violence for 38 years.
I last deliberately hit another person when I was 8. I have been sorely tempted much--my school mates were determined to force me into fighting--that sucked hugely---and I was quite tempted to bash this asshole the night my Ma died, but he was grieving his own loss, so I didn't maim him. Seriously
5. My ears are very mobile.
They move up, and to the side. One at a time, or both together. Like an animal's. Seriously.
6. I have been a cat lover since first sight.
I would creep up on sleeping feral cats to pet them. I never got discouraged by the scratches, even though it hurt my skin and my feelings. Lucky I never got bitten---seriously.
7. I want my Ma.
seriously, damnit

Friday, August 17, 2007

Further Musings of a Super Villain

Dear Diary--
you cretinous herald of disappointment and banality--
so, operation "fear worse than death" is an official wash out. Figures.
It seems that the fear of public speaking thing missed a large portion of the population. So far, the groups I found to be immune are:
politicians
clergy
salespeople
writers
actors
reality television wanna-bees
and other narcissists
Damn it! That leaves only modest people, and those are A: in short supply, and B:no fun to intimidate.
The moment that made me say "screw this" came as we set up to intimidate a group of "sk8rs". They just chuckled and made fart jokes. I had to resort to good, old fashioned homicide.
The classics always come through for you in a pinch.
Thinking about scraping up DNA left over from my little League of Good Doers massacre---maybe I can clone them, or combine the DNA and make one big super goody-goody to break up the monotony. Or maybe do the decorative plate collecting thing. All equally evil.........................
you'll regret the day you ever crossed,
Dr. Angst

Saturday, August 11, 2007

The Secret Ennui of a Super Villain








Dear Diary--you foetid heap of banality and despair,

Great. Just great.
My "ultimate plan" actually worked.
The League of Good Doers is forever destroyed.


I'm soooooooo bored.


My latest scheme--like shooting fish in a pet shop, now that LGD is DOA--is the greatest evil scheme in THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAHAAAAHAAAHAAAHAAA!!!!
oh, screw it--why bother with the evil laughter.....sigh
Anyway-- I read somewhere---Parade Magazine, or maybe something in the doctors office....anyway, it said more people are afraid of public speaking than they are of death.
At once, my plan sprang to mind, fully formed, like a rabid Athena from the brow of a leprous Zeus......why do I bother with the purple prose anymore???
So, anyway......I got the idea to have my minions carry a portable dais, some folding tables, and the rest of the army totes folding chairs. Now, when I want to threaten someone, we show up, set up in a flash, and look at them expectantly, as they stammer and sweat behind the microphone of inarticulate despair.

What you won't believe is--it utterly fails to satisfy. I mean, by the 7th or 8th time, it just didn't sparkle like before.
I must find a new arch nemesis, before I start collecting decorative plates or something.

you'll rue the day you crossed,
Dr. Angst

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

eBay orror-Hay

Here's this week's horror blog-a-thon story--go to Gatochy's for more info and Mariana's story.

It was a scent unlike any other. It bloomed on the skin, and went through a series of changes, depending on the mood of the wearer. It started somewhat spicy, with a hint of jasmine, ripening into a musky sandalwood, unless the wearer grew bored or vexed- then, it took on a hypnotic aroma—so powerful that anyone within a few inches of the wearer was powerless against them. This had come in handy for Rehzeenah, the favorite courtesan of a powerful but stupid Emperor.
Rehzeenah owed it all to her pet perfumer/sorcerer, the mysterious and handsome Ali. Many a night, she had entertained the young magician in her chambers, while the emperor slept off the effects of one of his potions. But feelings may change as quickly as fashion or politics, so when the Emperor began to curry favour with the infidels from Europe, with their meek sacrificed god, Rehzeenah said nothing to prevent her handsome lover’s public execution. He was to be burned at the stake—a popular fashion among the Europeans. They had been persecuting all suspected of dabbling in the art of magic, and expected any potential allies to follow suit.
Ali knew he had no real hold over Rehzeenah. Her heart was as cold as a desert night, so no amount of begging would move her to help him. He only asked for one last, brief audience with her.
She met him in his cell some hours before daybreak, disguised as a servant. Her doomed lover gazed on her with a mix of sorrow and something else. With a courtly flourish, he produced a small, exquisite vial from his robe. The vial had been carved from a deep green emerald, the stopper was a deep red ruby.
“Take this, and remember me always. I only ask that you wait until I am gone before you wear it—I could not bear the combined beauty of your face and this, my sweetest, most magical perfume.”
Rehzeenah was like a greedy child with a tray of pastries. She couldn’t believe her fortune---a bottle of such beauty and power!

She considered her promise to wait, but what was a promise to a dead man? She resolved to wear the perfume to the execution, happily anticipating the expression Ali would no doubt wear when he caught the scent of his parting gift over the stench of the smoke.
As dawn grew near, she rose and began her morning regime. She applied her paints, dressed in her brightest silks, and at last, she dabbed a touch of the perfume behind each ear and between her breasts.
The scent was a heavenly blend of amber, patchouli, and musk, with just a hint of something citrus like. She inhaled deeply, and smiled with pleasure. Her eyes became glazed for a moment, and when they cleared to their usual limpid-pool like state, there was a new expression—colder, more cunning.
The walk down to the public square was like a dream. She felt as though her limbs were being controlled by a puppeteer. The Emperor smiled fondly in her direction as she took her place at his side, along with the European priests.
Ali, chained to a cedar felled for the occasion, stared hard and unflinching into the face of his former lover. As the executioner approached with a torch, Rehzeenah’s hand moved of it’s own accord toward the Emperor’s ceremonial dagger, as ever sashed at his side. Like a sleepwalker, she watched as her arm raised the weapon high, and plunged it into the Emperor’s throat. Again and again, the blood stained dagger sought warmth in the flesh of ruler and cleric alike, until only she was left, watching the flames consume the doomed magician. She never saw the blade of the king’s body guard as it sought to separate her head and body.
Being high born, she was entombed with her possessions, rather than being left for the street dogs to scavenge. The emerald and ruby bottle lay in her tomb for several centuries, until a later, less pious age dawned, and her tomb was plundered for its treasure.
The emerald bottle was eventually auctioned to a rich industrialist, who gave it to his young second wife. She had born the brunt of his first wife’s anger, and he wanted to reward her, as well as to endear himself to her, as many of his more humiliating peccadilloes had been exposed to her by his angry ex.
You would never believe what damage an anorexic blonde can do with a butter knife and a pair of lobster tongs. Not pretty.
But you can bid on the crime scene photos on my eBay site. I’ll even include a photo of the bottle. I photographed it before I put it up for auction.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Horror-o-thon Fun---thanks to Gatochy's

Mariana is sponsoring a writing exercise. Join in, and flex your horror-writing muscles!!
Go to Gatochy's for more details!
Day 1
....... and downstairs is my private bar. I got everything off eBay--it was some kind of estate sale. See that painting? When you position it just so, it looks like a mirror--see? Everything on the bar is there in the painting! How cool is that? Now, lets have a drink, and go check out the new pool..........

Day 3
........because I really need to know more about this lot I bought from you........yes, the bar.......oh, it's all quite lovely, and in great shape for the age it all is..........it's the painting I'm wondering about---it kinda spooks me out a little...........no, nothing's happened.....why? Yes, I understand---I'll call back later........

Day 5
.........really not funny. Where the hell is the blender? I put it right there on the bar, and now it's nowhere to be seen! A brand new blender, gone! I may be rich, damnit, but I don't think I should be expected to replace appliances the day after I purchase them! Who the hell took the blender! I'll sack the lot of you if it is not returned immediately! What!? Right over there? Where?...........that's not the blender....that's in the painting..........

Day 6
.....no, seriously! Someone is fucking with my head! They stole my blender, and painted its image, exactly as I left it, in the mirror painting! I appreciate talent, damn it, but this is just weird and annoying! Hire extra security, and put a camera in the bar. I'm going to get to the bottom of this........

Day 7
..........and now the security camera is gone off the wall, and there is a painting of it, just like with the blender! Some damn prankster is not only stealing my things, but they are defacing an antique painting! I tell you, I'll spend the night sleeping on the bar if that's what it takes to catch this little punk............

The next month
.........and finally on the block, originally part of an antique bar owned by occultist and author Aleister Crowley, this painting of the bar, with the figure of a very surprized and distressed looking gentleman laying on the bar............

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Silly Fun

http://www.thesurrealist.co.uk/priorart.cgi Go. Play.
It's a web page that will make your coffee cup obsolete! It has room for a fridge magnet inside and is completely reversible.
It's a jetpack that pushes things down staircases! It is powered by a single hamster and can help you lose weight.
It's a rubber fish that fetches help in the event of an emergency! It can pick locks.
It's a piece of string that doubles as an alcoholic drink and improves blood clotting.
It's a pair of trousers that can cook small meals, has a mind of its own and plays a mean game of Go.
It's a handheld billboard that can speak twelve languages, asks trivia questions and repels bees.
What more does one need?

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Birthday Love to Mariana

Happy birthday to Mariana, editor-in-chief at Gatochy's Blog.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Beware of Strangers Eating Candy


My relationship with television has been long and rich. It taught me to speak English. It taught me that if I call someone's cellular device a "phone" I am risking creating a big emotional scene at best, or being eaten by a whale at worst. And now it has taught me to be on the look out for liars with candy.

The Mars Corporation is marketing a candy bar apparently designed to help people lie. I suspect there may be tips and pointers printed on the wrapper--I don't know, because I'm afraid if I try to buy one and check,the clerk will give me one of those looks--the kind you get when you purchase prophylactics, booze, and fireworks all at once. But the commercials are clear--buy this product if you need to come up with a lie. How exactly it works is a mystery--maybe it is laced with falsehood producing chemicals--something that simultaneously suppresses the conscience and stimulates creativity.

So, be warned. If you are having an encounter with a person and they stall by pulling out one of these "liar's bisquits", just point and yell "LIAR!!!!!!"

Friday, June 01, 2007

I Think This Fortune Cookie Is Trying To Seduce Me


It said: "Rarely do great beauty and virtue dwell together as they do in you".

Monday, May 21, 2007

Apocalypse Averted by German Auto Maker

(an un-related picture of Bela Lugosi dressed as Santa. Deal with it)
Event Horizon, Earth--The end of the world was indefinately postponed, after German automobile manufacturer Volks Wagon released a small number of moderately priced vehicles.

"That is just so unfair", said Great Beast of the Apocalypse and heiress,Paris Hilton. "We've worked really, really hard to plan the end of the world--very exclusive and hot--and now it's totally not happening,plus I have to go to jail or something."

News of the continuation of life on earth and the heiress' jail term were received with mixed enthusiasm. "Whatever", replied local hell goddess Dawn Erin--"though it is kind of a shame about Paris going to jail. I was hoping for a good old fashioned beheading!"

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Another Guilty Pleasure




Ok, people--don't even think about trying to reason with me on this one.......

One of my absolute favoritest films has come back into my world.

Back in 1974--a year before The Rocky Horror Picture Show premiered, Brian DePalma released Phantom of the Paradise--a film seemingly written for 13 year old romantics. Looking for restraint? Keep looking. Reality? Not gonna find it here. But if you want campy humor, over the top histrionics, and true pathos---bingo! Plus, you get to see Paul Williams play a villain.

The film is a rock pastiche of Phantom of the Opera, The Picture of Dorian Grey, and Faust, written and directed by DePalma before he went on his Icy blonde Hitchcock kick. The hero is a nebbish, the heroine a doe eyed brunette, and the villain is a tiny blonde man with large teeth. Toss in some tunes, riff on the Sha-na-na nostalgia craze ,Glam Rock, and Alice Cooper style horror rock, add split screens, and viola--instant favorite film!

The best thing is looking at the then state of the art electronics---you have more sophisticated equipment in front of you as you read this.
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