Leagle Department Mumbo Pocus

Dear Kxxx,

Your FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ is ready to be shipped. Our shipping department will get around to it before too long, unless they go on another week-long drug fueled orgy of destruction. Then, it might be a few weeks. Anyway, our legal department insists I furnish you with the following disclaimer/list of warnings/waste of everyone’s time:

Disclaimer:

Your FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ is intended for decorative and recreational use only. No actual fun is guaranteed.

FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ is for external use only.

Do not use FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ if redness or swelling persists.

Discontinue play with FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ if you experience loss of vision or hearing.

Do not expose FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ to cosmic radiation, as this can cause specific side effects, sometimes fatal.

Do not blaspheme in the presence of FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

What's wrong?

Do not allow FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ to become wet.

Do not expose FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ to open flame, or other source of heat.

Do not taunt, threaten, or cajole FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

Discontinue play with FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ if you experience erection lasting more than 4 hours

I had the pear dream again.

If choosing to utilize the BED TYME BUDDY™ feature of your FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™, do not allow perspiration, saliva, or urine to come in contact with FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

Was I there?

Do not operate machinery or drive a car under the influence of FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

Do not loan money to FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

Yes. I think I'm insane.

Hide all prescription drugs, alcohol, and firearms in proximity to FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

I know you are.

Avoid prolonged eye contact with FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™, as this can lead to a loss of will and/or blood.

Do not perform erotic dance moves in the presence of FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

Do not in any way flirt with or “lead on” FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

We hope your FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ will bring you minutes of enjoyment.

(not for sale to minors under 21)