Recycled Post-Earth Day Post

I barely remeber having writen this, so--semi-new to me:

The Ultimate Social Network Quiz

1. Which character from Alistair Crowley’s Diary of a Drug Fiend do you most identify with, and why?
2. If you had to be a transvestite crack whore for one day, what brand of make up would you use? Condom? Box cutter?
3. What’s your favorite antibiotic?
4. Favorite pain? Pain killer? Serial killer? Cereal?
5. You’ve been nailed by the wrists to a redwood deck, and a drooling psychopath is standing over you with an axe, ready to behead you.
A: How did you get there?
B: Why you should live, in 50 words or less.
C: What are you wearing?
6. Where did you hide your stash when you were in high school?
Middle school? Kindergarten?
7. Des Cartes said :” Je pense, donc je suis”. Would you date him?
8. Jock or nerd: which one goes best with white wine?
9. What has it gots in its pocketses?
10. If you were an STD, which one would you be?
11. What’s your most shameful secret? Be specific, with details.
12. Everybody has their price—what’s yours?
13. Who should be first up against the wall when the revolution finally happens?
14. Besides me, wise ass.
15. You encounter Andrew Lloyd Webber, Anne Gedes, and Ayn Rand in a deserted meadow. You have only one bullet. What do you do?

Welcome to Austin! Don't Be A Douche!

I read somewhere that Austin was the 6th most moved-to city last year. I'm treating it as good news, because it helps raise the ratio of clients to massage therapists for the better (MT's are as thick here as mosquitoes in a swamp). But on the other hand, I must despair of the inevitable culture dilution that occurs. So welcome, new comer, but leave that urban blightmare bad attitude in your storage unit. Don't bring us your paranoia, your impatience, your douche baggery. Adjust to a more sincere, mellow, thoughtful existence. You've been living in a game preserve for assholes. You are used to being a creep reflexively-- like blinking. Texans generally don't stand for that. We've barely gotten past dueling and feuding, so don't push your luck. Years of rigid role expectation, forced courtesy, and country music have made most Texans into walking time bombs. All you have to do is go a short distance away from here to find them. And sometimes, they drive in to shop. So for safety's sake,for the children, for puppies and Christmas, just to make sure you don't inadvertently provoke someone into acting out in a big, scary way-- clean up your fucking act.

Leagle Department Mumbo Pocus

Dear Kxxx,

Your FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ is ready to be shipped. Our shipping department will get around to it before too long, unless they go on another week-long drug fueled orgy of destruction. Then, it might be a few weeks. Anyway, our legal department insists I furnish you with the following disclaimer/list of warnings/waste of everyone’s time:

Disclaimer:

Your FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ is intended for decorative and recreational use only. No actual fun is guaranteed.

FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ is for external use only.

Do not use FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ if redness or swelling persists.

Discontinue play with FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ if you experience loss of vision or hearing.

Do not expose FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ to cosmic radiation, as this can cause specific side effects, sometimes fatal.

Do not blaspheme in the presence of FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

What's wrong?

Do not allow FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ to become wet.

Do not expose FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ to open flame, or other source of heat.

Do not taunt, threaten, or cajole FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

Discontinue play with FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ if you experience erection lasting more than 4 hours

I had the pear dream again.

If choosing to utilize the BED TYME BUDDY™ feature of your FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™, do not allow perspiration, saliva, or urine to come in contact with FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

Was I there?

Do not operate machinery or drive a car under the influence of FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

Do not loan money to FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

Yes. I think I'm insane.

Hide all prescription drugs, alcohol, and firearms in proximity to FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

I know you are.

Avoid prolonged eye contact with FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™, as this can lead to a loss of will and/or blood.

Do not perform erotic dance moves in the presence of FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

Do not in any way flirt with or “lead on” FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

We hope your FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ will bring you minutes of enjoyment.

(not for sale to minors under 21)