Gentility

It makes me sad to see good manners and taste recede into the mists of time. Ironic is the new sincere, and random is the new thoughtful. Are we past the age of the thank you note? I recall a day when a simple, tasteful note of thanks, printed in black on cream card stock, was as much a part of any event as the hangover, or making bail. My 20-something friends--the little vulgarian fucks--at utterly at sea when it comes to proper expressions of gratitude. The finer points of expression, the necessary bases to cover--all the major components of a well crafted missive of thanks giving---you couldn't drag out of a young person using a pair of pliers and a blow torch. Believe me, I've tried. So rather than simply cursing the gloom, I shall light this wee candle, in the form of an example of the lost art of saying "thanks". Take notes.

Dear Tamika,
Enclosed please find your monthly payment of $350. Thank you so much for keeping quiet about those films I did back in the 80's, back when I needed money to pay off those gambling debts. I'm also really grateful for your continued silence on the topic of those 7 people and that llama that met their end at my hands back in Nebraska. You know, I still feel bad about that llama. You know how much I love animals. I never would have opened fire, if it hadn't been for the two hiding behind it. I'm afraid my combined hatreds of redneck militias and the polka collided fatally that day. I still sometimes see that poor llamas wee camel-ly face, and shed a silent tear of regret. Something came over me, and I "lost my religion". You know, girl-you were there. You alone live to tell the tale. Except that you won't. Tell, that is.
I must remark how pleasant it is being blackmailed by you. Your rates are reasonable, and you are reliably discrete. I hope you are doing well. I've come to think of you as a friend and confidant that I pay. It would truly be a tragedy to have to "terminate" our relationship. But that won't be needing to happen, now--will it?
Yours in Christ,
"Mum"