Cyber Thanks to All My Generous Friends

Dear Mariana;
Thank you for the groovy gifts! The lobster is wiggling at me as I type this; the froggie will be opening the new years beverages, and the music box is the coolest thing anyone has ever given me. The tune is haunting--like something from a movie. I can just imagine a full orchestra taking up the melody----thank you!!!!
Dear Rob;
Thank you for the Pythons Autobiography by the Pythons book. It is giving me a different angle on my favorite anglos. You know me too well!
Dear Sandy;
Thank you for the newest fiction by Terry Pratchett! It was you that first got me started on him, all those years ago, when I got sick of fiction. You found one of the only fiction writers I enjoy. I'll try to read it slowly.
Dear Amber;
Thank you for the Hammer Horror box set. I know they are lost on people your age, but these were once considered very scary. The studio had a huge impact on me--much of my early photography and video work was homage/pastiche/rip offs of Hammer films. You've made me very happy!
Dear Dawn;
Thanks for the groovetastic t-shirt! It was thoughtful to design an original for me--"I'll take things only I know for $1000, Alex"--I can't begin to calculate how many times I've heard you say that while we were hanging out. It's comfy, too--I can't decide whetther to keep it special as a lounging shirt or what. Ma thinks it's pretty funny, too.
Dear Bart and Laura;
Thanks for all the cool stuff! I was happy with the monkey candy molds, then came the doll's house toilet and television. And if that wasn't enough fun--Dr. Terrible's House of Horrible!! Too funny, and what a companion to Amber's gift. You two should be spanked.
Dear Justin;
Thank you for whatever it is that still hasn't arrived. I have a pretty good idea, and I'm sure to plotz when it gets here. Don't feel bad--Mariana is still waiting for her gift from me to arrive. There were many mail snafus this season. Stop punishing yourself. Oh--you dress like that on purpose. never mind.
Dear Karen;
Than you for the book on Fang Shui, or feng shui for cats. It will come in handy for the new kitty, whenever it manifests its furry little self.
Dear Kala;
Thank you for the rune stones. They are a gorgeous shade of orange, and the bag you made for them is great!
Dear Shannon;
Thank you for the books! It was great to receive the entire series, specially after you had me read the first one. I'm looking forward to our swap on monday. Are you sure you and Kala have to move to Alaska? I'll be happy to take legacy clients, but I'd rather enjoy you two's company.
Dear Rahshemah;
Thank you for the groovy giant crystal and agate stand. It totally rocks(PUN!!)

I've Been Tagged!

Sebastien(http://chronicallysickbutstillthinking.blogspot.com/ )tagged me with the Christmas meme---list 3 things you'd like for xmas, followed by 3 things you wouldn't want. The second 3 are easy............well, easier, anyway......

Taarzaan's Wish List

1. A new vehicle. I am having "issues" with my truck. I'd like to be free of the anxiety--will it start?--so something reliable that I can shlep in.
2. The Xena box set. I love the freewheeling way they reinterpreted everything, from Homer to the Torah and the Vedas. Screw accuracy, we're telling a story, durn it!
3. ooooh, tough going----either a new vacuume cleaner, or a bass amp. If you find an amp that also cleans the floors, even better--as opposed to an amp the "just sucks".

Things I Wouldn't Enjoy

1. Magazine subscriptions. Seriously. My gran used to give everyone Reader's Digest. I loved my gran, but really.
2. Cologne. Not the place, the substance--again, gran flashback. She always gave this horrid lime scented stuff that made my cat gag. One should select one's own scent.
3. Anything motion activated that sings a holiday tune.

Who shall I tagg? Sadly there is no one--all my blogger friends (with the exception of sensei Delta) have already done this, and none of my monkey minions can type very well. I should have wished for more blogger friends to pass this on to. Oh, well........
I'm in holiday food prep mode today. I just finished baking the "pigs in blankets"--it's hard getting a pig to stay wrapoped up in a blanket, and as for stuffing it in the oven--good luck! Instead, I'm using wee "sausages", and wrapping them in "dough". Next, I'm on to the cookies. After that, it's baked brie with mushrooms and chives. Later, it will be time to make the gingerbread men. Then I'll be busy chasing them. "you can't catch me!"--we'll see about that.......

Happy Winter Solstice

Behold the Butterflies of CEU Compliance

These guys each represent 6 hours of continued education. Ariana, the CEU provider, gives these out along with the certificates. If you get audited, don't try to mail in the butterflies.
I'm ready for another year in my new career. My insurance is paid up, CEUs covered, license renewal check cleared--all's clear for the new year.

"Tis STILLL The Season: Baking Jag/Amber's Fabulous Ruby Slippers

Ok--First the baking jag. This cake pan totally speaks LOUDLY to my inner child--lucky little bastard. It reminds me of a sand castle mold my Ma gave me when I was 6. I've been making cake castles--it's loads of fun, and people enjoy receiving them. Plus, you can play Godzilla while you have dessert.
Next month at my birthday, I'm going to combine 4 of them into a large sprawling castle, and we shall lob grapes at it with spoons--prizes to the invader who gets them most direct hits.

Amber's faboo ruby slippers--a gift from me, via her wishlist. She put them right on, and did a little happy dance. She is so prosh! She's smiling because I also gave her the fabulous tiny globe pendant in a silver cage--again from her wishlist.
She gave me a collection of 6 Hammer Horror films--from my wish list.



Powdered sugar makes edible snow on Castle Chocula.

Get Well Soon, Gatochy!

My most favoritest kitty on the entire European continent is having surgery again. Her humans are two of the most loving, devoted, and generally kick ass pet parents on earth-- we send love and support to the entire Gatochy family--be well soon, miss kitty! Hang in there, Mariana and Prince Charming!

"Tis the Season for O Henry-like Situations

My ma was 2 when the stockmarket crashed in 1929. My grandparents were resourceful and hardworking, and the family made it through the great depression, and held on to values that developed during and because of it.
On some basic level, Ma is expecting another great depression. She is cautious with money, but far from miserly or withholding.
Her gift giving reflects her early life experience, when she and her closest brother would save things they came across during the year as Christmas gifts. This year she had a money clip from the 70's and a freebie calendar for my surviving brother. She wasn't really satisfied with the calendar, and the money clip turned out to be damaged and not giftable. Although she didn't make a big scene about it, it was obvious to me that she was deeply disappointed and upset. I got a real sense of her younger self, and the deep caring that goes in to her every gesture. Although her judgment has often been extremely poor, her intentions have always been the best. So I got pretty choked up about her being choked up about not having a gift for my brother. Still with me?
I dug out a money clip given to me by our late brother. My two brothers were a year apart, and always close, so I felt that it would be far more meaningful to my surviving brother. Ma was very pleased to have a replacement, and I suggested that we design a calendar ourselves to go with it. Ma went through old family photos, and came up with a concept for each month. She sat here at the computer with me and played art director. The above image is her December collage--we decorated the doll'shouse.

WTF #2: Recumbent Bikes

Recumbent bikes---I don' trust 'em--I tink der up to somethin..........but seriously, wtf?
Bicycling is supposed to be a healthy pursuit. So let's design a bike that makes it more hazardous. Let's lower the sight line--no worries, we'll just stick a flag on it--people are sure to see that. And let's have your head right where you can suck up the car exhaust--it's right there in front of your face--breath deep! Also, the head is now conveniently at bumper level--let's have a round of concussions with neck trauma for everyone!
And why do the people I see laying in these bloody things look so smug?

'Tis The Season For Eye Strain

This is the wee tiny stocking I just made for Ma's doll's house--it's so much easier to decorate on the small scale, but sewing two of these 1 inch by a half inch stockings took a toll on my eyes. I'll be 46 next month, and seeing weensy things close up is not as easy as it once was--even threading the needle was a fun game of chance and skill. But I got a much bigger sense of accomplishment--plus, I felt just like the tailor in the Beatrix Potter story that made the tiny clothes for the mice. Harmlessly crazy.

WTF? No. 1--'tis The Season to Wonder WTF

Okaaaaaaaay...........this is really straining the seams of bad taste. Imagine you suddenly awaken in a bathroom (hasn't happened to me in years, thank you), and this is the first thing you see. After your scream of esthetic horror stops echoing off the tiles, you have a moment to gather your shaken wits--think, think, think--what kind of monster's lair have you stumbled into? Probably elderly (good--easy to run away from), definately caucasion.......after that, it's all guess work. Just climb out the bathroom window before they come to investigate the screams--on second thought, they're no doubt used to them by now--just go. If you can't get out the window, play Santa and flush yourself.

commercials make me want to write haikus

In response to a couple of annoying adverts (body spray and a phone company)



Click counter each time
Someone looks at you with lust
Masturbate later


Deny it all day
But it is quite apparent
Indeed it's a phone


There! I feel better. Thanks, and sorry.

Puppetosis Diagnosis

Oh, dear....my childhood case of puppetosis is flaring up again. I managed to make it through the past couple of decades with only minor symptoms, and only then when confronted with really well crafted puppets.........now, I feel again the old urge to make evil puppets.
Zombunnie was the first new idea. Just an average, brain eating undead rabbit. No big.
More challenging is Sick Sock. I don't really know how to get started on him. I expect he'll undergo several changes on the way.
The point being--puppet vlogging. 2007.
Be annoyed. Be very annoyed.

RMT POV

I got an idea for a photography project called "RMT POV".
People look different at the end of a massage--they are relaxed, for one thing. Usually, the first half of the session they are face down. By the time they turn over, they are already feeling better. Add to that the perspective of the therapist standing at the head of the table. People look different when viewed from the top. Features are elongated. Everyone looks thinner and younger or something.
So, I want to take pictures of friends etc, on my table, blanket up to chin, from above-- the view I see for the last part of a session. Then you'll understand why it's hard to recognize clients when they are dressed and standing up.

Taarzaan: Too Content for Content? The IRBHN Interview

We here at IRBHN are horrified at the shameful lack of updates of late. We traced alleged blogger Taarzaan to his central Texas lair to put him to some direct questions.
Treading silently, we crept up behind Taarzaan, and shouted "BOO!".
We came to shortly after, an apologetic looking Taarzaan assuring us that the swelling would soon subside. We gathered our notes (and teeth) while Taarzaan put the kettle on. We couldn't help noticing--the lack of tension in his face, his relaxed manner, the playful preparation of the tea....was this the same person who knocked us unconsious just a few minutes ago? We put it to the question:
IRBHN: Dude! You totally hit me in the face!
Taarzaan: You startled me, pinhead!
IRBHN: ..and now, you're all chilled, and mellow and playing with the tea mugs. Psycho or something?
Taarzaan: Not even. As if! and bite me.
IRBHN: Oooh, Oscar Wilde, look out!
Taarzaan: I have an idea--startle me again. It'll be funny!
IRBHN: Ahem. So--you haven't been blogging so much for a while. Isn't that what bloggers do? Blog? Am I crazy, or what?
Taarzaan: Well, you are definately crazy, but that doesn't invalidate your point--entirely.
IRBHN: So, what's up, monkey man?
Taarzaan: erm.....all sorts of stuff. I was adjusting to the rigours of the new career for a while, and had to lay off the keyboard. I kinda got out of the habit of writing. Then, there's the whole "I keep my mouth shut unless I'm bitching about something" aspect.
IRBHN: Ah, yes--like Sensei Delta said:(writers work best if they're just a tad miserable).
Taarzaan: Bull's eye. I set out to change my life--I was over worked, over burdened, yatta yatta---and now it's pretty much all good. I'm kinda lazy and content just now.
IRBHN: Any plans for future posts?
Taarzaan: I don't think I've fully exploited the Mad Libs thing, and I always found the rebus to be a delightful platform for mirth. And I'm starting to feel all crafty again--I may just get around to that puppet theatre, and some puppets. That may lead to webcam video blogging. Who knows? Now, fuck off--I'm gonna get jazzed up on coffee and lift weights.

In Response To That Damned Annoying Commercial on the Television:

Attn: You ARE a phone company. It IS a PHONE! And don't presume to tell me what to call things. Things are what they are. Deal with it. I don't care how trendy or "cutting edge" your product or service is. You are too needy and controling. And your adverts suck.
There! Off my chest.

Psychiatric Memories, Pt 1: Using Your Powers for Good

I don't know what brought this memory up, but it has been fluttering around me all evening. Blogging usually makes them go on their way........
About 4 years ago, while I was employed in the admissions department of the local State Psychiatric Institution, I ran into a bit of a puzzler. It was a busy-ish night, my bastard supervisor was taking time off (the lazy putz), I was working alone (other than the grounds nurse/house supervisor), and I was faced with a delicate situation. The local mental health authority (the folks who exist to prescreen those who may be in need of hospitalization) sent me a gentle, frightened woman--mid 40's, looked like a PTA mom, quite dignified and charming. Her mental health had taken a bit of a downswing--she was convinced that men were trying to break into her house and steal her possessions. Several visits from the police had done nothing to appease her terror, and she had purchased a handgun. This made the authorities quite uncomfortable, so they sent her my way.
When a person is admitted to the place I was employed, many items are not allowed on the treatment units ("wards" in old parlance). She had most of her material possessions with her. And I had to be the one to A: tell her that she couldn't take them with her, and B: bag/tag them for the safe. As you can well imagine, she freaked when I told her that her house keys--a point of great fear and protectiveness--would have to be locked up. So, what did I do? I got her directly involved with the project, allowing her to keep an eye on me and her things all the way through. She assisted in listing the items, then together we put them in the bags, placed the information on them together, then I had her actually drop them in the safe. When it came time for her to leave for the unit, she shook my hand and thanked me. I'm glad it all worked out--she was sweet, and I would have felt like an utter brute had she become violent, making physical intervention a neccessity. So now, I send my thanks to this person, and wish her well.

"Wait a minute--is this some damn lesson? "Cuz I HATE learnin!"

(above is a quote from Anne Magnuson's Vandemonium)

So, it's been interesting going at work.........many people coming in with unusual pains--mostly mid trapezius(!) and stuff.........more healthcare professionals, another hearing impaired client, people grieving.........lots of opportunity to nurture people.
Sunday was some sort of damn lesson--I had it in my senile head that I didn't start work until 5:30pm that day---at a quarter of 3 I realized that I needed to be there SOON (3!!)--so I grabbed what I had worn the day before, rushed out the door without doing my usual grooming ritual, got there a few minutes late (as opposed to my habitual 10 minutes early)--and managed to make the clients really really happy, despite being off my usual routine. So there's some damn opportunity to learn somewhere in there...........

Happy Blog Birthday to Mariana

( fireworks display held in honor of Gatochy's 2nd anniversary. Damn the expense!)

Congratulations to Mariana at Gatochy's blog (see button to your left) on her second year of blogstardom! She is the BlogDiva, blogoddess, an inspiration, and a great friend--cheers, M!

Theme Week at Work

This has been my week for medical personell-- three nurses, a doctor, a physical therapist, and a pre-med student. I LOVE working on these guys--they give good feedback, and really appreciate the work. Plus, they really need some nurturing, so YAY!!!!

Geo-Theraputic Rejuvenation

Ok, so I planted my face in the garden last saturday night--and today it's just about 100% healed. The skin is smoother and younger looking on the injury site--my left side looks younger than my right. This leads me to promote "Geo-Therapy for a Younger Looking You". All you need is the planet, some anti-biotic ointment, plasters, and time.
It's simple--useing the earth's gravity, you collide your face with the earth's crust (the mantle and core are for more serious cases). Once you've "kissed our mother hello", just apply ointment, plasters, and wait. Viola! Safer than botox, cheaper than clinical dermabrasion, and the supplies are mostly right at your feet!
The author of this blog assumes no responsibility for the individual outcomes of this modality. It's mostly a "silver lining" attempt to "save face". Oooooh--bad pun!

Summer Reading List

Children's Books That Didn't Make It ...

1. You Are Different and That's Bad!
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife -- Robert
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's It; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident!
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop Goes The Hamster & Other Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Mixed Karma Weekend, or "Ouch, but Thanks....."

This has been an interesting weekend, to say the very least.
Friday afternoon, coming home from the nurserry with plants for the garden, my truck blew the radiator hose--right in rush hour traffic, in 100 degree heat, me wearing my cliche' black t-shirt. On the fortunate end, one of my co-workers and former classmates--my sweet dharma sister Lisa--was passing, and stopped to assist. All I really needed at that point--having made all the neccesary and appropriate calls already--was water--than you, Lisa! Shortly after that, the kindest, most laid back police officer showed up to provide assistance while I waited for the tow truck. The towing people were nice--they took me home to unload plants before dropping the truck off. The shop was anticipating my arrival (yay cell phone)--we are replacing the radiator--I should have it back monday about noon.
Then, last night, sitting out in the developing garden, I had a blood sugar event. I had consumed WAY more carbs than I'm used to, was fatigued, it was hot---I came over extremely dizzy, and did a face plant, right in the dirt. Quite lterally "hit the dirt". Fell like an ox. Right on my mug. Ouch, but could have been worse. The impact was mostly to my left zygomatic process--"cheekbone" to most folks. It didn't mess up my eye, didn't break my nose, no split lip or injured teeth--for a couple of traumatic events in such a short time, they were both much better than they might have been. Plus, my wonderful friend Rob was able to provide transportation to buy neccesary things like groceries and first aid supplies. Thanks, Rob!!

Downtime Update

Hey kids--it's been a while.........[uncomfortable period of silence, eye contact avoided]....I'm having another truck repair day, hence the "at home, on the computer" state of things.............
the new career is going quite well--the time flies when I'm in session--a good indicator that I've found the right livelihood. Still, the forearms get fatigued, as do the thumbs. Hence the not blogging for a couple of weeks........
Mariana started a great campaign--it's in honor of people who would never abandon their pets while on holiday.http://proudtosay.blogspot.com/
It's a positive reinforcement idea--so much kinder and easier than sending me to rip people's spines out (that Mariana is so thoughtful--she knows I'm almost to 40 years of non-violence, and is aware that my knowledge of anatomy and fierce love of animals puts me in a unique position regarding the whole spine ripping thing, but no......) she has cool buttons you may copy and paste onto your own blog (as soon as I figure out how to do that, you'll see one here). Apparently, some people think it's perfectly ok to go on holiday, and leave the companion animals to starve. Just amazing, in that "I don't believe a human being would do something so fucked" kind of way. Not only would I never do that, but I will care for neighbor's pets while they're on holiday. My nextdoor folks had me feed their sweet dog "Cookie" for a few days, and I got a groovy chiminea for my effort.
Which brings me to my last topic and excuse for the lack of posts lately--I''m planning a meditation garden in the back, just outside my window. When Sandy moved, I scavenged all the stone out of her (former) back garden.....they make a lovely circle , which has been divided into quadrants, each to have it's own theme. Closest to the house will be the herbs and vegetables--I plan to stack a drywall, and build up with compost and soil. Next to that will be the "grasslands"--I plan to plant pretty grasses that will ripple and sway in the wind, along with fragrant lavender. Moving along, we come to what will be the cactus garden--imagine sand, agave plant, cacti--that's where the chiminea is, along with the old wagon wheel--all I will need is a steer skull to complete the southwestern cliche'........finally, we will come to the water garden--I have a horse trough that will make a great aquaculture container--imagine cattails, dwarf lotus, etc--I plan to surround it with ferns, crepe myrtle, and irises.
I spend most of my time after work in the back, planning. My before mentioned neighbors are a little creeped out--gardening in the dark just looks so unsavoury.........

I Still Have It......

"It" being the crazy person magnet. I have long sworn off public transportation due to my irresistable magnetsim re: the mentally ill. Seriously. I have stories.....but I'll focus on this one, for the sake of blogging brevity.
So there I am, after a good day at the massage hut--repeat clients on the rise, tips steady and good, so ya know, tired but happy, looking to unwind at my neighborhood all night coffee house (corporate/Seattle based, but friends work there). None of my friends were on duty tonight, so I copped an herbal tea and sat down to chill with one of my favorite comic books--"My Monkey's Name Is Jennifer"--the heartwarming tale of Kaitlin, a "happy child", and her castrated, declawed, bitter psychotic pet, a primate she named "Jennifer", and dresses up like a sweet little girl. Maybe it was my choice of reading material, but I wasn't in my chair for more than 20 minutes before a smiling, soft spoken psychotic young man took the seat next to me and began chatting. It took all of 4 utterances for him to reveal his state of mental health. I was glad of my background in the MH field and basic diplomacy skills. I politely chatted back for a couple of minutes, then made my escape.
I may never leave the house again. At least until it's time to go to work again.
(blogger is not loading images just now. Jennifer would say "I will kick you in your fleshy testicles, blogger. alot)

Is This Earring Too Big?

Amber is usually the soul of fashionista good taste when it comes to accessories--understated in the extreme, but this new trend in haute cature is a bit on the bohemian side for my dear twin baby sis.
Ok, I'm just envious--you busted me.
Amber can wear ANYTHING and look adorable. And when she wears something adorable, it's enough to make Lagerfeld go on a twinkie binge.

Return of the Furry Head, Plus One

Little did I realize that the modification process would have these results. The furry head popped back up, much to my surprize (hence the mugging). Once the growth process was done, we spent the rest of the evening playing "totem pole". I'm the one in the middle, if you are confused. Io kitty --always the alpha--insisted on being on top. I think she has narcissistic issues--she obviously didn't read that earlier post. What's a guy to do--besides the obvious "open cans, open doors, and worship on command"?

Shameless Re-Print of OPE Interview

freaking Blogger is all photo-phobic again today, damn it to Ladie's Home Journal
Yikes. Just yikes. My irresponsible focus on building my massage career has had the anticipated effect on my blog. I can't believe the dust that has accumulated here--it's like Tut's tomb, with only 40% of the curse value, and none of the treasure. Not even the bones of a grave robber--and that's nice for a change.
So, you may well ask, what lame-arsed attempt to fob off a weak attempt at a new post will I try today?
So glad you asked!
As some of you may recall, I sat in for blogmaster Kurt when he up and went a'journeying a little while ago. As I was severley limited in my blogging--something about keeping nudity and blasphemy to a bare minimum--I was forced to resort to being interviewed. And doing the actual interviewing. As it turns out, 13 years in a psychiatric institute (EMPLOYED THERE, thank you) left me somewhat, well, mad as a fish--just the trait one needs to do a self interview.
So, without (much) further ado (ado, ado, adooooooo!!!!), I present to you, the IRBHN reader that might have failed to just click the damn link (talking about YOU, Bart) and read it on OPE (don't whine about how long the page takes to load--your using Windows BC, you dino-flatus)
the afore mentioned interview. Just grit your teeth and take it like a manatee (if they had teeth)
Taarzaan: The OPE Interview
We here at OPE have been flooded with an utter lack of curiosity about ad hoc/interim/pseudo blogmaster Taarzaan, of I’d Rather Be Here Now, and his vision for OPE. Mostly we get concerned, even anxious inquiries as to Todd’s wellbeing, current location, and state of attire. We take all of this in the spirit it is no doubt meant—bitter, suspicious bordering on paranoid, resentful—business as usual.Taarzaan graciously consented to be queried by OPE. Deal with it.
Taarzaan joined us in the OPE staff lounge, casually dressed in cargo shorts, sandals, and what’s best referred to as a faded biker t-shirt. His hair—long salt and pepper—was pulled back in a disorganized pony tail, looking as though he’d just woken up, and had eschewed grooming. This impression was furthered by his morning breath, and desperate consumption of coffee.
OPE: Thank you for joining us today. I’d like to start by having you reveal something to our readers that you’ve never revealed to your own readers.
Taarzaan: I already don’t like you.
OPE: Fair enough. Pony up with the revelation anyway, Skippy.
Taarzaan: hmmm……..ok, when I was a teen, I had a long spate of somnambulism, and would frequently go on slumber runs on my brother’s motorcycle.
OPE: Get out!
Taarzaan:(rises to leave)
OPE: No, no—sit down, it’s just an expression, like “wow” or “you’re kidding”
Taarzaan :Damn—I thought we were through.
OPE: So, you would ride your brother’s bike in your sleep?
Taarzaan: Yeah—I woke up once after what had to be a spectacular wipe out. And one time I woke up in bed, with fresh bandages—I wiped out in my sleep, and either bandaged myself, or got medical assistance. All without waking up.
OPE: Ok, now you’re seriously creeping me out.
Taarzaan: Teach you to be nosey, eh?
OPE: So, do you still ride?
Taarzaan: Nah—I sold my bike for massage school funds. That, and HD has become so bourgeoise.
OPE: Ok—tell us about your blog, ‘I’d Rather Be Here Now”.
Taarzaan: I like to blog. Who knew it would become such a fun hobby. I was a huge fan of underground comix and the National Lampoon in the 70’s, and spent lots of time writing and drawing crude “zines”—way before it was popular. So blogging is a logical extension of my lifelong love of satirical humor. The technological advances of the past decade have given the dilettante smart ass the power of an art director, taking smart-assery to levels unanticipated or spoofed.
OPE: I understand you’ve been somewhat of a bell whether of unfortunate cultural trends.
Taarzaan: You could say that. I was working on what would have been the world’s first modern music video in 1978, as a school project. And I was a proto-Goth in 1980. Robert Smith totally stole my look.
OPE: God, you’re a sad bastard.
Taarzaan: Bite me.
OPE: Moving on……. How are you getting on with Todd?
Taarzaan: (over shoulder) Todd! Need coffee!
OPE: You seem to be getting the hang of that…..(Todd enters, refills Taarzaan’s massive coffee mug)
Taarzaan: Thanks, lad. 'preciate it.
OPE: Enough of that, now, or we’ll be months dismantling the extra self esteem.
Taarzaan: Cry me a river. Todd’s great. It has taken me a bit of adjusting to the toadying. I tend to be a rather self sufficient lone wolf type….
OPE: (gagging)
Taarzaan: gimme a kiss…….anyway, as I was saying, it wasn’t easy for me, having my ass kissed, early, often, and eagerly, but I am sort of getting the hang of it. I’d been consulting Kurt on the subject of “personal assistants”, and he thought this would be good first hand experience.
OPE: Is there a reason you’ve taken an interest in lackeys?
Taarzaan: Well, I’ve long been flying in the face of family tradition—something the courts look favorably on when handing down sentences—but as I get older, I find myself becoming more like my ancestors.
OPE: Meaning?
Taarzaan: That one day I will don the white lab coat, and utter the family motto: “Fools! I’ll destroy all of you!”
OPE: So you’ll no doubt be needing an Igor to call your own?
Taarzaan: Precisely.
OPE: So, you are planning on becoming a mad scientist when you retire. Are there any rough draft plans for world domination?
Taarzaan: Oh, yes—I had to submit a grant proposal already; there is so much competition for funding. I have a plan to breed pigeons with Celine Dion DNA. The idea is, they are mostly normal looking birds; it’s just that they sing like Celine Dion—in unison. So I hold the world hostage—pay up, or I release the Diva Doves.
OPE: That would be hell on earth. I must admit, I’m impressed, and feeling slight homicidal urges towards you.
Taarzaan: Get bent. New topic! I’ve been doing research on Todd!
OPE: Pardon?
Taarzaan: I’ve been reading through the OPE archives for all references to Todd. I’m compiling a complete dossier. Stay tuned!
OPE: Have I remarked on what a sad, twisted person you are?
Taarzaan: At least twice.
OPE: Well, I think we’ve got a better view of the man in the temp position.
Taarzaan: Nicely put.

Now, if you think that was disturbing, you should watch me shave.........

Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder

http://www.toad.net/~arcturus/dd/ddhome.htm
This is one of the best sites addressing narcissism from a clinical standpoint. Short on laughs, long on useful information.

The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Essential Feature
The essential feature of the narcissistic personality disorder is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy (DSM-IV™, 1994, p. 658). Gunderson, et.al, (Livesly, ed., 1995, p. 208) notes that the grandiosity may not be overt or may involve arrogant and haughty behavior.
Kantor (1992, pp. 203-204) describes the clinical characteristics of NPD as:
inordinate self-pride;
self-concern;
an exaggeration of the importance of one's experiences and feelings;
ideas of perfection;
a reluctance to accept blame or criticism;
absence of altruism although gestures may be made for the sake of appearance;
empathy deficit; and,
grandiosity.
Frances, et.al. (1995, p. 374) add:
entitlement;
shallowness;
preoccupation with fame, wealth, and achievement;
craving admiration, attention and praise;
placing excessive emphasis on displaying beauty and power.
Beck (1990, p. 49) describes the key elements of NPD as presumed superiority and self-aggrandizing behavior. These individuals also give evidence of intense motivation to seek perfection and a feeling state of emptiness, rage and envy (Masterson, 1981, p. 7). They are vulnerable to the most negligible slights and are prone to withdraw and become inaccessible when feeling offended (Benjamin, 1993, p. 141).
Individuals with NPD may show little real ability outside of their fantasies. They can become self-destructive because their grandiosity and self-preoccupation impair their judgment and perspective. They can experience such inappropriate rage in response to someone diminishing their sense of superiority that they attack and attempt to destroy the source of criticism (Oldham, 1990, pp. 93-95). These individuals have a particularly difficult time with the limitations inherent in ageing; NPD has been associated with deterioration in midlife with the realization of mortality and loss of physical vitality (Wink, Costello, ed., p. 149).
On the other hand, individuals with NPD may be talented and successful enough to be admired and emulated by others (McWilliams, 1994, p. 171). They can be nearly symptom-free and well functioning. Even so, they may still be chronically unsatisfied due to habitually unrealistic self-expectations (Sperry & Carlson, 1993, p. 316).
NPD may be comorbid with histrionic, borderline, antisocial, and paranoid personality disorders. NPD traits are common in adolescents and may not necessarily lead to NPD in adulthood. Individuals who are diagnosed with NPD are 50-75% male (DSM-IV™, 1994, p. 660).
Self-Image
Individuals with NPD have a grandiose sense of self-importance. They routinely overestimate their abilities, inflate their accomplishments, and appear boastful, arrogant, and pretentious (DSM-IV, 1994, p. 658). This belief in personal superiority is the "bedrock" of their self-image. Individuals with NPD believe that their presumption of superiority is sufficient proof of its existence. They are able to feel secure and content if they think highly of themselves. Negative aspects of self are met with denial or rationalization (Richards, 1993, p. 251). However, maintenance of the belief that they are superior, often without commensurate achievements, can create a painful disparity between their genuine and their illusory competence. The strain of maintaining a false self-image may lead to feelings of fraudulence, emptiness, and disconsolate feelings (Millon & Davis, 1996, pp. 393, 420-421). McWilliams (1994, pp. 177-178) believes that individuals with NPD have some sense of their psychological fragility. They can experience either a grandiose self-state or a depleted, shamed self-state. With external affirmation, they can feel self-righteous, prideful, contemptuous of others, self-sufficient, and vain. With the loss of external validation, they can feel a vague sense of falseness, envy, ugliness, and inferiority.
Kantor (1992, p. 207) believes that individuals with NPD can sustain good judgement if they demand performance of themselves that vindicates their self-esteem. Judgement becomes impaired when the self-love has little realistic basis. Even as these individuals inflate their efforts and overvalue their abilities, they seem surprised when they do not receive the praise they expect (DSM-IV™, 1994, p. 658). They appear to have little awareness that their behavior may be seen as objectionable or irrational (Millon & Davis, 1996, pp. 405-406).
View of Others
Individuals with NPD assume that other people will submerge their desires in favor of the comfort and welfare of those with NPD. They believe that just because they want something -- that is reason enough for them to have it. They assume that others are as consumed by concern for those with NPD as the individuals themselves are; they believe they deserve special consideration from others (DSM IV™, 1994, p. 659) (Millon & Davis, 1996, p. 394). Narcissistic individuals use others to fulfill their own psychological needs and to maintain the stability of the self; others are valued by how well they provide comfort and emotional stability (Wink, Costello, ed., 1996, p. 149).
Kantor (1992, p. 206) notes that individuals with NPD have trouble cooperating with other people as their attention is on themselves. They view others as vassals or constituents; they seek admiration to document their own grandiosity and to preserve their superior status (Beck, 1990, p. 49). They have difficulty recognizing the experience and feelings of others. They lack empathy and form few genuine emotional commitments. They must, at all times, be admired. If they are able to recognize the needs of others, they tend to view these factors as signs of weakness and vulnerability (DSM-IV™, 1994, p. 659) (Oldham, 1990, p. 96). When able to perceive this vulnerability, individuals with NPD behave in a dominant and coercive manner (Birtchnell, Costello, ed., 1996, p. 186).
Individuals with NPD are often envious of others and believe others to be envious of them. They begrudge others their possessions or successes. They believe that they are so important that others should defer to them; their sense of entitlement is apparent in their lack of sensitivity toward and arrogant exploitation of others (DSM-IV™, 1994, pp. 658-659).
NPD self-esteem is fragile and maintained by external affirmation (McWilliams, 1994, p. 168). These individuals are preoccupied by how well they are perceived by others. They enhance their self-image by associating with people who are also superior, special or unique, and of high status; they want to be connected to people of equally idealized value (DSM-IV™, 1994, pp. 658-659).
Relationships
NPD relationships are impaired because of entitlement, need for admiration, and disregard for the feelings of others (DSM-IV™, 1994, p. 659). Individuals with NPD are interpersonally exploitative; they expect special favors without reciprocal responsibilities (Millon & Davis, 1996, pp. 405-406). Their capacity to feel love for others is marginal (McWilliams, 1994, p. 175) and they possess only the kind of empathy that allows them to manipulate and elicit admiration from others (Wink, Costellos, ed., 1996, p. 159). They can be socially facile, pleasant, and endearing; however, they are unable to respond with true empathy and can be disdainful and irresponsible (Sperry, 1995, p. 114). Their relationships must have potential for advancing their purposes or enhancing their self-esteem (DSM-IV™, 1994, p. 659). Without any apparent pay-off, a relationship has no purpose and is unlikely to be sustained.
A grave concern regarding individuals with severe NPD is their cold seductiveness and promiscuity, their incapacity to stay in love, and their inability to either genuinely comprehend or accept the incest taboo (Akhtar, 1992, p. 69). If they do not see their children as separate individuals but as sources of need gratification, sexual behavior is possible.
Yet, in spite of the apparent self-sufficiency of individuals with NPD, they have intense interpersonal needs (Golomb, 1992, p. 21). Their need for external affirmation of their specialness means they must be in relationships that will allow them to feel unique and admired. This overburdens their relationships with their demands for self-esteem enhancing interaction (McWilliams, 1994, p. 174) and they are likely to contribute little or nothing in return for the gratifications they seek. It is central to NPD that good fortune will come without reciprocity (Millon & Davis, 1996, pp. 405-406).
Individuals with NPD are likely to attempt to get their needs met in relationships without acknowledging the independent existence of those from which they "expect to feed." If they are forced to recognize the presence of a benefactor. they demean the gift or the person who has given it. Mates for individuals with NPD often have a NPD parent who has already indoctrinated them to regard exploitation and disregard as love (Golomb, 1992, pp. 21-22). Individuals with NPD are prone to compete with their mates; they want to be with someone special but they do not want to lose the spotlight (Beck, 1990, p. 244).
Within relationships, individuals with NPD expect admiring deference, have a noncontingent love of self, and take presumptive control of others. They often behave with contempt toward those with whom they are involved. They see their own achievements in grandiose and inflated terms while devaluing the contributions of others. At the same time, these individuals have an extreme vulnerability to criticism or being ignored. When their superior position is challenged or their lack of perfection is demonstrated, their self-concept may, for a while, degrade to severe self-criticism (or they may engage in an outburst of rage). Without effective penetration of their defenses, however, individuals with NPD are pleased with themselves and expect to be noticed and acknowledged as special (Benjamin, 1993, pp. 147-151).
Issues With Authority
Competent individuals with NPD are often in positions of authority themselves. If dealing with other authority figures, they are non-deferential, convivial or condescending, and presumptive of special treatment. They do not reveal any information derogatory to themselves and behave with self-righteous indignation when questioned. Lying is not difficult; concealment is a routine behavior. These individuals are unwilling to accept that society's limitations apply to them.
NPD Behavior
NPD behavior is usually haughty. These individuals behave in an arrogant, supercilious, pompous, and disdainful manner. They have a careless disregard for their own personal integrity and a self-important indifference to the rights or needs of others (Millon & Davis, 1996, p. 405). Yet, they can also show assertiveness, social poise, assurance, leadership potential, and achievement orientation (Wink, Costello, ed., 1996, pp. 153-154). Their ambition and confidence may lead to success, but their performance can also be impaired by their intolerance of criticism (DSM-IV™, 1994, p. 659). For all of their grandiosity, individuals with NPD are remarkably thin-skinned. They are easily offended and frequently feel mistreated (Golomb, 1992, p. 22). Individuals with NPD also experience boredom, dissatisfaction, and a lack of fulfillment and meaning in their work (Wink, Costello, ed., 1996, p. 149). It is problematic for these individuals to stay in long-term employment where responsibility for error or failure get harder and harder to obscure (Richards, 1992, p. 252).
Individuals with NPD do not believe that reciprocal social responsibilities apply to them. They expect others to serve them without giving much in return (Millon & Davis, 1996, p. 405). They are abrasive, abrupt, and lacking in gratitude (Beck, 1990, p. 244). They may engage in temper tantrums, verbal harangues, and emotional, physical, or sexual abuse because of their belief that others should be primarily concerned with making them happy or comfortable. These individuals are particularly apt to become resentful and contemptuous of anyone who tries to hold them accountable for their exploitative, self-centered behavior (Beck, 1990, p. 244).
Sperry (1995, p. 114) notes that individuals with NPD are expansive and inclined to exaggerate; they focus on images and themes and take liberties with the facts. They use self-deception to preserve their own illusions. They will do whatever is needed to reinforce their self-ascribed superior status (Beck, 1990, p. 50). They are competitive, boastful, impatient, arrogant, and hypersensitive (Sperry, 1995, p. 114). Individuals with NPD evidence an uneven morality and a readiness to shift values to achieve goals; they may engage in pathological lying (Akhtar, 1992, p. 69).
Affective Issues
NPD affect is generally nonchalant, imperturbable, and characterized by feigned tranquility. This changes when individuals with NPD experience a loss of confidence. Then they become enraged and may experience feelings of shame and emptiness. If these individuals lose their narcissistic feelings of easy superiority, they become irritable, annoyed, and subject to repeated bouts of dejection and humiliation (Millon & Davis, pp. 405-408).
Richards (1993, p. 249) notes that individuals with NPD frequently experience rage, indignation, and frustrated entitlement. Kernberg (1992, pp. 21-22) suggests that hatred is the core affect of severe personality disorders. He believes that the hatred derives from rage which, early in life, served to eliminate pain but became useful, later in life, to eliminate obstacles to gratification. Beck (1990, p. 235) suggests that individuals with NPD experience intense envy, fear, and rage. They are particularly angry when others do not accord them admiration or respect (Beck, 1990,. p. 50).
NPD rage is more tolerable to these individuals than the shame and envy that is associated with helplessness, a sense of ugliness, and impotence (McWilliams, 1994, p. 172).
Defensive Structure
Individuals with NPD are trapped in a kind of perfectionism. They have unrealistic ideals for themselves; then they either convince themselves that they have attained these ideals (the grandiose posture) or feel inherently flawed and a failure (the depressive posture) (McWilliams, 1994, p. 174).
The NPD illusion of superiority is a facet of a generalized disdain for reality. These individuals feel unconstrained by rules, customs, limits, and discipline. Their world is filled with self-fiction in which conflicts are dismissed, failures redeemed, and self-pride is effortlessly maintained. They easily devise plausible reasons to justify self-centered and inconsiderate behavior. Their memories of past relationships are often illusory and changing. If rationalizations and self-deception fail, individuals with NPD are vulnerable to dejection, shame, and a sense of emptiness. Then they have little recourse other than fantasy. They have an uninhibited imagination and engage in self-glorifying fantasies. What is unmanageable through fantasy is repressed and kept from awareness. As they consistently devalue others, they do not question the correctness of their own beliefs; they assume that others are wrong. The characteristic difficulties of individuals with NPD almost all stem from their lack of solid contact with reality. If the false image of self becomes subtantive enough, their thinking will become peculiar and deviant. Then their defensive maneuvers become increasingly transparent to others (Millon & Davis, 1996, pp. 405-423).

Wayans Bros Mug Warner Bros

I'm embarassed to even be blogging this--ok, bs--I HAVE no shame........ has anyone else noticed that the premise and imagery from the Wayans Brothers new film "Little Man" is lifted directly from "Baby Buggy Bunny"(1954)? The one where Baby-face Finster, a dwarf criminal, hides out at Bugs', disguised as a baby? Same bit with him shaving, the same "foundling on the door step" bit.....I admit, I haven't researched the film--they may be openly doing an homage, but jeepers--how does one pad out a 5 minute cartoon from the '50's into a full length feature?
And if we are due for more Bugs remakes--how about the one with Gruesome Gorilla (Gorilla my Dreams 1948), or the one with the little Penguine (Frigid Hare 1949)? I hear the auto-insurance gekko has optioned Aleister Crowley's "Diary of a Drug Fiend" (it's going to be a musical).

The Gorilla in Question

This is Gruesome J. Gorilla. Don't let the placid expression fool ya--he'll injure you right and proper if you get careless.
Gruesome spends his days staring out at the house across the street. What it is he expects to see, he's not letting on. The postal carriers have made no complaints as of yet--he's either A: behaving himself when they come 'round, or B: intimidating them into silence.
Dig that Frankenstein action going on up top. He'll be decked out this Halloween--we haven't decided between Franken-Ape or Robo-Ape. Robo-Ape is the easier of the two--cover him in foil, add antennae and red flashing eyes, and your done.
Where does a 400 lb gorilla sleep? On my front step--no way I'm letting him inside, not after nearly breaking my arm.

I'm baaaaaaack!

( blogger is refusing to upload my pictures. they must be spanked and sent to bed without reading dinner)
I returned to work this weekend, and yay that!! I had a red letter day today--one of those where you feel "ON", and the feedback reinforces it.
I had my first deaf client tonight--I was so happy! It has been my intent to build a deaf-centric practice here in Austin--there are 60,000 deaf citizens in and around Travis county at last count--about half of deaf Americans live here, close to Texas School for the Deaf. So actually getting a member of my target market demographic on the table was thrilling. It was great--I didn't have to hold up my end of a conversation--no distractions, just full focus on the bodywork. She was very pleased with the work, and expect to see her again.
My last client of the night was a nurse who had just finished a 12 hour shift at the hospital down the road. If you had been standing in the hall, listening at the door, you would have suspected something salacious was underway, and shame on you for that! Some people are more vocal than others. It's perfectly normal for some folks to groan, moan, sigh, and go "god, yes!" while receiving massage. I love working on health care professionals--they totally "get" the anatomy rap, and the nursing professionals are ALL in need of some nurturing themselves, so again, I was thrilled to have her on my table. All in all, a great way to return from an owie absence.
Yes, "owie". I worked children's psychiatric--do you expect me to be a fucking vulgarian?
hang about now........I think I've struck irony.............................yes, definately ironic, and not in that faux Alanis kind of way.......not to dis ms morriset--I liked her after she got back from india, and she made an exellent diety in Dogma. Aren't you getting eyestrain from squinting at this tiny italic crap? Sometimes I wonder about muself....but only for a second. I get bored by the topic of "Trey"---there's so many more interesting things to think about. Like ice fishing. Believe me, ice fishing is moe interesting than I am. I pose absolutely no threat of hypothermia to anyone, but you still might end up with a yummy fish dinner. You know, I can keep ad-libbing this crap almost as long as you can read it. seriously, there's not like an "off" button on me, you just have to decide to

A retraction

As it turns out, I may have spoken too soon when I hinted that Taarzaan was doing better healthwise than he had led us to believe. The latest surveillance photos show that he is indeed recovering from a recent unspecified injury. Luckily, he has an excellent team of Hungarian medical students attending him. He gets cured, they get community college credit. It's a win-win.

My apologies to Taarzaan, although in theory he could still be faking it. I'm just saying.

Taarzaan: Sick or Faking It?

The original creator of IRBHN, Taarzaan, now claims that an injury is keeping him from posting the latest "art" photos of the always scantily-clad Dawn and writing those other posts he does in between. Well, I don't believe it, and I paid good money for the surveillance photos to prove it.


Here you see Taarzaan checking the tire pressure on one of the carts in his fleet. Does this look like someone who is too ill to post to you?


Next you see Taarzaan benching, like, 300 lbs. Sure, he has a spotter, but that is still a lot of weight for someone who claims to be injured.

You've seen the pics, now you be the judge. Taarzaan: liar or deceiver?

Injury Badness

Typing left-handed now..........I injured my right elbow about 40 mins ago......I was moving a large concrete gorilla left to me by my late brother. My asssistant was a smaller person, and in the process, I got a pretty serious owie. Its been iced, compressed, elevated and now resting, but the full extent remains to be discovered. I can movedmy fingers without trouble---I think it's a wrist/elbow flexor that got strained or possibly torn. I shan't be working this weekend, and the computer will also be off-limits until more healing has happened. Irony!

Secret Message

(I have looked into my inner toucan, and it has looked back into me. We're both a bit embarassed by what we saw)

Here's the promised "Mad Lib"(TM). Don't write on the monitor.

1.(noun)______
2.(proper noun)________
3.(plural noun)________
4.(adjective)_______
5.(adjective)__________
6.(something important)__________
7.(something extremely trivial)______.
8.(verb)___________
9.(proper noun)_________
10.(proper noun)_________.
11.(adjective)____________
12.(adjective)_____________.
13.(long, descriptive string of adjectives etc)__________________________
14.(Verb)__________________________
15.(verb)___________________
16.(adjective)_____________________
17.(intangible noun)________________.
18.(verb)__________________________
19.(verb)___________________________
20.(adjective)________________________
21.Noun)__________________________,
22. (your choice of word/s)_______________________________________.

Now, scroll down, and insert your chosen words.

“I’d Rather Be Here Now” is a__(noun)__ written by __(proper noun)_. It is full of __(plural noun), __(adjective)__stories, and Taarzaan’s __(adjective)__opinions on everything from__(something important)__to__(something extremely trivial)__. He really needs to_(verb)_his focus.
Sometimes, posts are contributed by __(proper noun)__ and __(proper noun)__. People are always __(adjective)__ when this happens. Taarzaan, to say the least, is quite__(adjective)_.
People often wonder if Taarzaan is __(long, descriptive string of adjectives)__. This is almost certain, as he __(Verb)s__ frequently, and has been known to even __(verb)__ upon occasion. This is a ___(adjective)__ habit, that will no doubt lead to __(intangible noun)__. One can hope, anyway.
In closing, if you feel that you must__(verb)__ your time __(verb)ing__ Taarzaan’s __(adjective)__ little __(Noun)__, be warned that it has been known to cause ___(your choice of word/s).


My answers
1. blog
2. Taarzaan.
3.photos
4.silly
5.arch
6.world peace
7.burger adverts
8.adjust
9.Mariana
10. Kurt
11.relieved
12. grateful
13. a cliché, chai drinking, incense burning, old Buddhist hippie.
14.meditates
15.shut up
16.good
17. inner peace
18.pass
19.reading
20. rabid
21. blog
22. impure thoughts, particularly when he ran that picture of Dawn in the corner with her chestal area all exposed.

Cute Report 12

I'm beginning to realize a lot of the dolls out there exist to satisfy a public of grown-up women, not kids. Mr. Burn's secretary is not the only adult to adore Malibu Stacy, that's for sure. I got over dolls pretty quick, so I don't identify with this craze. Also, some of these dolls preferred by women are creepy. However, I thought this doll was adorable -- Aksana. I'd love to have one for my inner child.

This is only one of the Loop Troupe Gang. It is what you see: a small wooden object that you can hang somewhere, just to look cute.


Quote: "These little wooden wonders have 3.5" loops which are perfect for attaching to your ceiling fan pull, tote bag, door handle or sweater--you name it!"

Holding that thought, I am in love with this Flickr group, dedicated to miniature wooden dolls called Kokeshi.

I wish I had some of my own to contribute!


I just found this site today: it's called Amigurumi Kingdom, and it has crocheted toys. A few of these things are simply strange and incomprehensible to me, but I thought this little tweety bird was adorable, like a little egg cozy.

I sing the kitty electric.

Happy Birthday!

Grendle the Wonder Kitty is here to wish a happy birthday (purrrrr) to Mariana!!

Happy day, oh Blog Diva of Exellence!! What does one get the woman who already has Prince Charming, Gatochy the Great, and an uber-blog?

What becomes a legend most?

Purr!

The “modification” project took some interesting turns.
Thanks to anomalies in both sets of DNA, the furry head developed into an entire, independent kitty. There was an exchange of genes during the process, resulting in a kitty with a strange sense of humor and shameless over-consumption of coffee. For myself, it’s pretty much the same, except for a tendency to be distracted by and to bat at moving objects, some excited behavior whenever I see birds, and I also run away and hide when the vacuum is on. The floors are never going to be the same, but yoga is so effortless now. Mad Lib™ to come. (I bet Joanie still really loves Chachi, but she's just grown too much as a person to ever go back to those simpler times. That, and his name started to get annoying, and it's a homophone for a Korean obscenity.....still, sometimes I bet she wishes she'd never met that ceramics instructor.)

Postcard from Next to the Edge, Just to the Left a Bit....

Howdy--
I spent most of the week receiving training and modification for top-secret "search and annoy" mission--I'm not supposed to mention it, but I know you guys won't tell anyone........one of the modifications is pictured above. An injection at the neck/shoulder join has produced a second head, isolating the "cute" aspects of my personality, leaving the un-cute head for serious thought. The more cynical I get in conversation, the cuter the new head has to be in order to compensate. It's really starting to piss me off, as everytime I make a serious point, people go "aaaaaaw", because of the cute antics. My next communication with you will be coded in the form of a "Mad-Lib"or something. Blame the furry head.

I would like to introduce you to me

Taarzaan's research is taking up much of his time and energy, and I have been asked to help take up the slack at IRBHN. I remember from my Charles Durning research how arduous such work can be. For legal reasons, I had to give it up (and turn over my telephoto lens collection), but I too would be in my study now poring over back issues of Variety had the court not directly ordered me to stop.

First, an introduction. I am who they refer to as the talent at the blog Other People Exist. I like to think of IRBHN as the Monty Python's Flying Circus of blogdom, and OPE as the Joanie Loves Chachi.

But on to some actual post content. I was in a famous modern art museum recently, and in between all the paintings of squares and lines was "Cat and Bird," painted at some time in the past by a famous painter, probably in his studio. Taarzaan is a confessed cat enthusiast, and I know he would enjoy traveling from Texas to the city where this museum is located and seeing this painting, though he might want to plan some other events concurrent with the viewing to take full advantage of the trip.



Overheard in the famous modern art museum:
(one tourist lady to another): "DO THEY HAVE THE ONE WITH THE MELTING CLOCKS!?"

Ten most common cat names in the USA:

1. Tiger
2. Smokey
3. Tigger
4. Max
5. Oreo
6. Kitty
7. Shadow
8. Princess
9. Oliver
10. Sam

Blog Vacation

A little "Deep Thought" by Jack Handy to hold the fort while the blog is on hiatus.
We here at IRBHN will be away, doing research and working on a series of posts. We hope to return soon(ish), well rested and eager for the task. I could happen.
In the meantime, eat your veggies, drink plenty of water, and tickle yourself twice daily.

More pretty flowers.

It's a non-stop pollen-a-thon in the back yard these days. There's birds, there's bees--it's like a metaphor, or euphemism, or something. It's definitely a thing.

It's around 100 degrees here (ok--98--supposed to be 99 tomorrow), and my brain is going all gooey and..........what? Did you say something? No? Oh, right! Blogging!

Day Late, and Short One Devil......

This just occured, after I posted the pretty flower on MySpace........ it would have been alot funnier/weirder/more coincidental if it had happened yesterday. Ah, well.......

It's a hot, tired, and grumpy day, so here's some floral therapy.
I'm going to have to start checking ID's at my back garden gate-- there are all these smutty plants waving their reproductive bits around, the botanical strumpets........I was back there earlier, and there was even an actual bee, doing his bizzzzzness.......

Weekly Guest Post At Mariana's

Toddle over to Gatochy's, and be warned of yet another looming threat on the fast food front.
I typed it just for you, with my tired paws and all from the massaging.......not that you have to, mind......it was a slow, painful delivery, must have been hours....all the sweating and screaming......but that's ok, if you are just too busy to click the link on the left.....it's the one on top.......yes, that one........you're such a comfort.

Caspar David Friedrich

Click image for 325x400 version.

This is the back cover of a Taschen book with great reproductions of paintings by artist Caspar David Friedrich. It's only one of a series of softcover books of great artists released in Portugal by the newspaper Público. The first time I think they cost somewhere around 5 or 7 euros -- now I found a pile of them on sale for just 1 euro! I had to get one. :)

This is a portrait of the guy himself, painted by Gerhard von Kugelgen. It's marvelous of course, a real work of art, and he's looking handsome in a stern sort of way. But although he may be looking like a god here, it's more like the god Saturn, who ate his children for breakfast. I mean, how would you like to run into him in a dark alley? Unless you would, in which case please disregard everything I said.

Season of Change

(Dawn reminding me to water the plants and bring in the mail. Subtle girl, our Dawnie)

So much change in the air. The new job for me, new apartment for Dawn in July, and the possibility of a new job for her, too.....Bart has new employment, and another of the group is buying a house.

Dawn and I were talking about " the suffering of cyclical existence" this morning before her flight back to Massachusetts. We agreed it sucks, but the up bits can be fun.
The groovetastic one is on a weeklong sabbatical to her homeland to the north (hence the Valkyrie drag), and has promised to get some photos of the horse barn she rode at as a wee lass. This is cheering news, as it offers me a visual heavy/writing lite post to come.

The new gig is a gas in many ways. For the most part, my clients are thrilled with my work, but I do get the rare person who is a bit more difficult to please. All good experience, by and large. It's much like working out for 4/5 hrs a day, three days a week. My forearms are getting Popeyesque, and the professional manner is becoming second nature. My blogging time has been encroached upon, however---I don't want to use my hands to type most days, as they are recovering from the vigours of the job. I expect to adjust rather soon, however, and get back to it. The direction my thoughts have been going suggests a series of posts on the topic of bullies. How to recognize them, how to deal with them, and tyrants I have known. Not a pleasant topic, but one on my mind of late. Whatever.

Fun With "The Grunt of Incomprehension"

Here in killer cowboy land, the natives signal incomprehension with a guttural grunt--"huh?"
Repeat it to yourself a few times.
"Huh?"
"Huh???"
"HUH????"
Dreadful, really....... but with what might one replace this aspirated exhalation of bewilderment?

May I suggest the renewed usage of the archaic and quaint "prithee"? It would offer endless hours of amusement a la Abbot and Costello:

First Speaker: (inaudible mumbling)
Second Speaker: Prithee?
First: Huh?
Second: Yes, essentially........
First: Huh?
Second: Exactly....
First:(shoots second)
Second: AAAArgh!
First: Huh?

and so on

Cute Report 9

I loved the style of children books' illustrator Quentin Blake. This cover of Mrs. Armitage, Queen of the Road is so charming! Thanks to Alexandre Soares Silva for the link.



A cute felt cabbage. There's other cute stuff made in felt there. It all looks very decole inspired to me, I like it. Burnt toasts, pink muffins, milk cartons and -- the most bizarre thing ever -- cute little felt tampons. Now I've seen everything.


Childcare Robot PaPeRo. "This Childcare Robot is capable of recognizing and verbally communicating with people, sending images by mobile phone to persons far away, as well as playing games and singing along with others. With it, we are looking for new relationships and possibilities as a part of children's groups at daycare centers, kindergartens and elementary schools." I don't really like the idea of people developing an emotional bond with robots, especially children; but the design is kinda cute.


I don't know why beauty in Cocker Spaniels varies so wildly, but when they're cute there's nothing cuter. On this page you have several Cocker Spaniels of various sizes and colours, puppies and grown-ups. They're all so beautiful it's ridiculous! I dare you to look at those faces and not smile silly. And for f*ck's sake, leave their tails alone!


I love product mascots, and this new P'tits Heinz Ketchup bottle is pretty cool. Of course, you know it's all targeted at kids and making them fatter than ever, but their bad luck is my bliss. The P'tits Heinz Sauce Mayo bottle is cool too.

Fun With Anagrams

Right, then…….what’s all this I keep hearing about the universe expanding? From where I’m standing, it certainly looks to be contracting, getting smaller all the time.

Exhibit “A”: two of the three clients I had on my table last Tuesday were connected peripherally to my old job—one a licensed health care professional from a “rival” facility, another in the governmental body that finances the facility I escaped from.
This can only mean that Einstein got it dead wrong, science is a delusion, and that I must immediately turn to superstitious savagery to stave off the displeasure of the wrathful gods. Either that, or I should just get a nap and see if I feel more sane afterwards, but I don’t really feel sleepy, so superstition wins for now.

In today’s journey into the unproven, we will explore the hidden meanings in proper names, thanks to this fun little anagram generator
http://www.wordsmith.org/anagram/index.html

I tried both the name I go by, and the odious one on my birth certificate. Let us explore the hidden secrets therein:
LEERY HOT = you’re attractive, but I dunno….. you’re scary, too.
EELY THOR = Norse God of Thunder, but like a snakey fish
HOLY TREE = I should have been a Druid (again?)
HOTEL REY = king of hotels
A CAB HERE TILL YON = taxi takes you from A to B
A CAB THEYRE ILL ON = they were drinking too much, now it needs washing
A CAB YELLER HIT ON = that perverted old dog…
.A CAB HELLION TYRE = you really don’t want one of these rolling over your foot
A CAB LITHELY NERO = a taxi that is black and supple
A BELLYACHER I NOT = I really don’t bitch that much
A CELEBRANT HOLY I = the druid thing, again
A BLANCHE RELY I TO = something to do with “the kindness of strangers”
A BACHELOR LYE TIN = it’s unmarried, and you keep your caustic substances in it
A CALIBRE TEN HOLY = self explanatory
A CABINETRY HELLO = greetings from the cupboard!
A ACERBITY HELL NO = a snarky refusal
A BACH EON YE TRILL = singing Bach seemingly forever
A BALTIC EEL HORNY = those Baltic eels are a randy bunch…..
A BOTANIC HELL RYE = nothing you want to make bread from
A CORNBALL EH YETI = don’t dis me to the abominable snowman
A CALLBOY THEREIN = pardon?
A CALLBOY NETHER I = damn right!
A CALLBOY NEITHER = yes, as I said
A CALLBOY RENE HIT = who’s Rene?
A CALLBOY ERE THIN = I’ve put on a few pounds, but….hey! Wait a tic…
A CALLBOY HE RENT I = I don’t like the direction this is heading
A CALLBOY HEIR TEN = a slutty, attractive person due to inherit something
A CALLBOY THEN IRE = lust, then anger
A BLANC EERILY HOT = gothic and sexy (?)
A BACON ETHER LILY = made from pork, left by the ether bunny
A BACON EYE THRILL = love looking at bacon
A BLAIR CELT HONEY = sequel to “Blair Witch”—Irish and sweet
A COBRA TEENY HILL = a small pile of extremely venomous reptiles
A TRIBAL CLONE HEY = indigenous group with advanced knowledge of DNA
A BAY HERETIC NOLL = again, self explanatory
A BAY ERECT HILL NO = moving on…..
A LACE ROBE THINLY = something “more comfortable” to slip into
A LACE BINT RELY HO = this is extremely naughty
A LACE BYRON LITHE = a supple poet in lacy attire
A LACE BONY HITLER = dead fascist in lace shroud
Ok, I feel better.

How To Play "Nostril"

My late brother Edd and I shared the same absurd sense of humor. We shared several fraternal traditions, like the house we always bellowed at as we passed in the car (imagine the Doppler effect, and the people inside going “there it is again—that strange noise”), and the game of “nostril”.

“Nostril” is a cooperative channel surfing game.
A flip of the coin determines who is the “changer” and who is the “score keeper”. The “changer” wears a special hat, and holds a staff (or sword) of office, as well as the television remote. The “score keeper” has a pad and pencil.

A further coin flip determines the direction—“up” or “down”—the direction the “changer” pushes on the remote, at the appropriate time.

Play begins when the television is turned “on”.
Players stare intently at the screen, waiting until they can clearly see “nostril(s)”. Side of the nose isn't enough--you must be able to see in. Players must shout “nostril!”(there are no “turns”—everyone screams communally), and the “changer” “changes” the channel in the before chosen direction. This continues until all the channels have been “nostriled” (or, in the case of the weather radar channel, “forfeited”), returning to the original “first channel”, when the two “players” exchange roles, and another “coin flip” determines the “new” direction.

But what, you may well ask, of the “score keeper”?

The role of “score keeper” is a sacred one.
The “score keeper” keeps track of the various values of the televised air-intake openings. Different “nostril”s have different “values”:
(“double barrels” count x2)
Baby nostrils = 20 pts
Newscaster nostrils = 50 pts
Cartoon nostrils = 100 pts
Historical nostrils = 500 pts
Villainous nostrils = 500 pts
Heroic nostrils = 700 pts
Musical nostrils = 800 pts
Animal nostrils = 1000 pts
Simultaneous group nostrils = reverse direction

Add to that the various combinations of points—say “heroic musical cartoon animal nostril” would be a full 2600 points!

Dawn dropped by to participate in the First Annual Edd Hoel Memorial Nostril Games. Being the first, it was a small, intimate gathering. Next year I hope to have a larger group (you’re all invited).

Until then, you have the basic rules—go practice.

Unfaithful Wives 4

Frances McDormand as Doris Crane in the Cohen Bros' movie "The Man Who Wasn't There" was perhaps the most interesting unfaithful wife I've ever seen in the movies. Her part is very peculiar, starting with the fact that she says very little. Her character is an attitude, a look, a way of speaking through her presence alone. In that sense she reminds me of another unfaithful wife, mute Ada in the unforgettable movie "The Piano." In both characters silence reflects their voluntary isolation, contempt for others, an unwillingness to communicate with people they can't relate to. It's like they're saying "There's no point in trying to talk to you people." Their silence means war.

One could describe Doris as someone who doesn't suffer fools who is trapped in a small town where there's nothing but fools. She only puts up with her husband because he's so quiet and meek, because theirs is a loveless marriage.

A scene that perfectly describes that couple is when a traveling salesman drops by their house. Although her husband is not interested in buying anything he feels obliged to listen to and talk to the man. His wife, however, only wears kid gloves on her hands. When she shows up you can see her sizing up the stranger, and quickly seeing him for what he is, yet another fool wasting her time with mindless blabber. She takes the leaflet in her hands and tears it up, which calmly and efficiently sends him going -- without having to say a word, of course. She tells her husband "I don't want to talk about it," like she doesn't have the energy to listen to more foolishness that day. She's an intriguing mixture of a refined woman who has given up on social graces.

She starts an affair with the only exciting and exceptional man in town, a war hero. When her husband murders him (for reasons that have nothing to do with jealousy) she is accused and must stand trial. Thanks to the investigation she finds out the man she gave her heart and body to never so much as went to war, let alone become a war hero. She spent her life despising the small town people around her, but as it turns out he was much worse. There is a very interesting moment when the couple and their lawyer are discussing a defense strategy and the husband proposes taking the blame for the murder. It's not clear if at that moment she realizes the truth, or if she just assumes he's taking the rap for her to save her life. But whatever goes through her mind you can tell she didn't see that one coming. "I've been such a fool," she says. And later she hangs herself, maybe because she couldn't respect herself anymore after being duped like the biggest fool of all. Or maybe because she'd given up on believing that a soul mate was in her cards.

I don't see her suicide as a sort of redemption for being a cheater, so that we the audience can "forgive" her; but rather as in keeping with someone who was so demanding and unforgiving. I empathize with what she represents, a state of mind of being fed up with a dead-end life, with small people and their smallness. It's true there are a lot of pretentious, nasty people out there who are completely deluded about their self-worth, and who spend their entire lives hurting everyone. But there are also truly above average persons, who often go through life feeling very alone and misunderstood. It's easy to fall into self-pity, and I like the fact she's not sad but resolute. I don't think I ever saw a character quite like her anywhere.

Plan "B" is a Good Plan

I was knackered when it was over with--"it" being my first night on the new gig--but I also left with cash in hand (tips!!!!!!) and the satisfaction of a job well done. I got good reviews, plus--money talks. So I am happy to report that all is well on this end.
Today marks the 54th birthday of my late brother, Edd. We had a memorial BBQ at AK's house. The pitbulls were both very sweet--Chopper didn't try to kill me even once! Good doggie!
Then it was on to Amber's, to assist her in an operation of advanced babe technology--she was bleaching her hair, and needed an extra set of hands and eyes to get the back bits. Hair products are stinky, but I got to play with Io kitty--she hunted my foot. She stalks and pounces on my right foot, then disembowels it with her back claws. My left foot seems to be beneath her notice, but the right one she kills again and again.
I hope you've had a lovely day, and that someone stalked and killed your foot, too. Why should I have the priviledge all to myself?

"Adventures in Monk Baiting", OR "Lotsa Backstory for Such a Short Joke"

Back in my days working pediatric psych, I had the bizarre pleasure of working in proximity to not one but TWO Greek Orthodox monks. They were a couple of local boys who went to university, got a look at objective reality, and decided "fuck it--give me superstition and an erroneous calendar. We want to be part of the institution that helped the vampire myth get such a grip on the peasantry of eastern Europe." So naturally I just HAD to fuck with them whenever the opportunity presented itself.
My favorite monk baiting gambit is called "Tempt Them Into Impious Mirth", or "Make Them Laugh At Something Irreverent or Even Sacrilegious". I found myself in the ward dining room one afternoon, tossing out old peanutbutter sandwiches, when one of the god-bothering tossers swanned in and remarked "Goodness, those certainly are old snacks"........hehehe....... My response was swift and cruel--I said "You have no idea! I've got leftovers here from the sermon on the mount-- I may never finish! It's been loaf, fish, loaf, fish, all afternoon!"
The look on his face as he backed out of the room was priceless--a mixture of shock, anger, and barely suppressed laughter. Part of him saw the humor, and wanted to laugh, but the rest of him was about to disintegrate. So, by way of apology, I waited a month, and then I told him I'd figured out "the worst part about being an atheist". Silly bugger took me seriously, and asked what it was. I told him--"no one to talk to while you're having an orgasm".
How I miss that "I want to laugh, but I think I might go to hell if I do" look.

Plan "B" Underway

(The world's most famous "massage therapist"--John Redcorn. Thanks for keeping that stereo type alive there, Mike.)


So, when last we spoke on the topic, I had just come to realize I was wasting time at the hookah lounge (trying to do chair massage, not smoking--silly), and I needed to do something else.
I just got hired at a discount massage establishment. I usually want to firebomb that kind of place--usually they are not owned by massage therapists, and end up being an unhealthy place for the therapist. My dear Vaia worked at one that kept her busy 8 hours straight, and paid her $8 an hour for it. See what I mean about the firebomb?
The place I signed on at is owned by a RMT who was a classmate of my two favorite instructors, and he is paying a fair and decent wage--bless him. So I'll be there Tuesday and weekend evenings.
I will be working about 16 hours a week, and making about the same as I did at Bedlam for 40 weekly hours of wrestling, screaming, and paperwork.
Hot damn!