J'ai Tombe' Dans la Cuisine or how to tell if your massage therapist is a whale (or other animal) in disguise

Ouch. I need something for the pain. I hit a slippery patch upon entering the kitchen, in my usual purposeful stride, and wound up looking like a marionette that had been dropped. My left leg went to the right, my right leg hyerextended behind me (like pigeon pose in yoga), and my right arm got tangled in the shelving. Were it not for extra dense bones and extreme flexibility, we would be posting this from hospital. So I'm lucky, for someone that just had such a painful and humiliating (if anyone would have seen ) mishap occur. I managed to get by with just some swelling/bruising and scrapes, instead of a sprain/fracture. Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

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I am encouraging Sebastien to seek massage therapy to help with the headaches etc. I even encouraged him to allow a LMT to make a house call. This can pose certain risks, given Sebastien's history with platypus' and other such creatures. There have been tragic encounters between humans and whales reported in the news of late, so I am supplying the following list of tips to help the massage consuming public avoid potentially fatal encounters with wild animals posing as massage therapists. An ounce of prevention, people.........

How To Tell If Your Massage Therapist is Actually a Whale (or other animal) in Disguise

1. Aroma. Your nose is your first line of defense against inviting a killer whale into your home. Sniff discretely, checking for a "fishy" odor. This will also help detect otters--the bastards of the sea. A "doggy" odor may indicate wolf--particularly if they show up in a group.

2. Look--what sort a vehicle did your massage therapist arrive in? If it is a huge tanker truck or other mega transport, odds are good you have a whale or other giant of the deep. Also, it is difficult for the average whale to squeeze into a polo shirt---look for straining seams. Also, the presence of a blow hole on the top of the head is pretty much a dead give away.

3. Rake your fingernails across a bit of chalkboard. Does your therapist flinch, like a human? Or do they try to answer, mistaking the noise for speech? If so-whale.

Stay tuned for further instructions. That is all.