I Still Have It......

"It" being the crazy person magnet. I have long sworn off public transportation due to my irresistable magnetsim re: the mentally ill. Seriously. I have stories.....but I'll focus on this one, for the sake of blogging brevity.
So there I am, after a good day at the massage hut--repeat clients on the rise, tips steady and good, so ya know, tired but happy, looking to unwind at my neighborhood all night coffee house (corporate/Seattle based, but friends work there). None of my friends were on duty tonight, so I copped an herbal tea and sat down to chill with one of my favorite comic books--"My Monkey's Name Is Jennifer"--the heartwarming tale of Kaitlin, a "happy child", and her castrated, declawed, bitter psychotic pet, a primate she named "Jennifer", and dresses up like a sweet little girl. Maybe it was my choice of reading material, but I wasn't in my chair for more than 20 minutes before a smiling, soft spoken psychotic young man took the seat next to me and began chatting. It took all of 4 utterances for him to reveal his state of mental health. I was glad of my background in the MH field and basic diplomacy skills. I politely chatted back for a couple of minutes, then made my escape.
I may never leave the house again. At least until it's time to go to work again.
(blogger is not loading images just now. Jennifer would say "I will kick you in your fleshy testicles, blogger. alot)

Is This Earring Too Big?

Amber is usually the soul of fashionista good taste when it comes to accessories--understated in the extreme, but this new trend in haute cature is a bit on the bohemian side for my dear twin baby sis.
Ok, I'm just envious--you busted me.
Amber can wear ANYTHING and look adorable. And when she wears something adorable, it's enough to make Lagerfeld go on a twinkie binge.

Return of the Furry Head, Plus One

Little did I realize that the modification process would have these results. The furry head popped back up, much to my surprize (hence the mugging). Once the growth process was done, we spent the rest of the evening playing "totem pole". I'm the one in the middle, if you are confused. Io kitty --always the alpha--insisted on being on top. I think she has narcissistic issues--she obviously didn't read that earlier post. What's a guy to do--besides the obvious "open cans, open doors, and worship on command"?

Shameless Re-Print of OPE Interview

freaking Blogger is all photo-phobic again today, damn it to Ladie's Home Journal
Yikes. Just yikes. My irresponsible focus on building my massage career has had the anticipated effect on my blog. I can't believe the dust that has accumulated here--it's like Tut's tomb, with only 40% of the curse value, and none of the treasure. Not even the bones of a grave robber--and that's nice for a change.
So, you may well ask, what lame-arsed attempt to fob off a weak attempt at a new post will I try today?
So glad you asked!
As some of you may recall, I sat in for blogmaster Kurt when he up and went a'journeying a little while ago. As I was severley limited in my blogging--something about keeping nudity and blasphemy to a bare minimum--I was forced to resort to being interviewed. And doing the actual interviewing. As it turns out, 13 years in a psychiatric institute (EMPLOYED THERE, thank you) left me somewhat, well, mad as a fish--just the trait one needs to do a self interview.
So, without (much) further ado (ado, ado, adooooooo!!!!), I present to you, the IRBHN reader that might have failed to just click the damn link (talking about YOU, Bart) and read it on OPE (don't whine about how long the page takes to load--your using Windows BC, you dino-flatus)
the afore mentioned interview. Just grit your teeth and take it like a manatee (if they had teeth)
Taarzaan: The OPE Interview
We here at OPE have been flooded with an utter lack of curiosity about ad hoc/interim/pseudo blogmaster Taarzaan, of I’d Rather Be Here Now, and his vision for OPE. Mostly we get concerned, even anxious inquiries as to Todd’s wellbeing, current location, and state of attire. We take all of this in the spirit it is no doubt meant—bitter, suspicious bordering on paranoid, resentful—business as usual.Taarzaan graciously consented to be queried by OPE. Deal with it.
Taarzaan joined us in the OPE staff lounge, casually dressed in cargo shorts, sandals, and what’s best referred to as a faded biker t-shirt. His hair—long salt and pepper—was pulled back in a disorganized pony tail, looking as though he’d just woken up, and had eschewed grooming. This impression was furthered by his morning breath, and desperate consumption of coffee.
OPE: Thank you for joining us today. I’d like to start by having you reveal something to our readers that you’ve never revealed to your own readers.
Taarzaan: I already don’t like you.
OPE: Fair enough. Pony up with the revelation anyway, Skippy.
Taarzaan: hmmm……..ok, when I was a teen, I had a long spate of somnambulism, and would frequently go on slumber runs on my brother’s motorcycle.
OPE: Get out!
Taarzaan:(rises to leave)
OPE: No, no—sit down, it’s just an expression, like “wow” or “you’re kidding”
Taarzaan :Damn—I thought we were through.
OPE: So, you would ride your brother’s bike in your sleep?
Taarzaan: Yeah—I woke up once after what had to be a spectacular wipe out. And one time I woke up in bed, with fresh bandages—I wiped out in my sleep, and either bandaged myself, or got medical assistance. All without waking up.
OPE: Ok, now you’re seriously creeping me out.
Taarzaan: Teach you to be nosey, eh?
OPE: So, do you still ride?
Taarzaan: Nah—I sold my bike for massage school funds. That, and HD has become so bourgeoise.
OPE: Ok—tell us about your blog, ‘I’d Rather Be Here Now”.
Taarzaan: I like to blog. Who knew it would become such a fun hobby. I was a huge fan of underground comix and the National Lampoon in the 70’s, and spent lots of time writing and drawing crude “zines”—way before it was popular. So blogging is a logical extension of my lifelong love of satirical humor. The technological advances of the past decade have given the dilettante smart ass the power of an art director, taking smart-assery to levels unanticipated or spoofed.
OPE: I understand you’ve been somewhat of a bell whether of unfortunate cultural trends.
Taarzaan: You could say that. I was working on what would have been the world’s first modern music video in 1978, as a school project. And I was a proto-Goth in 1980. Robert Smith totally stole my look.
OPE: God, you’re a sad bastard.
Taarzaan: Bite me.
OPE: Moving on……. How are you getting on with Todd?
Taarzaan: (over shoulder) Todd! Need coffee!
OPE: You seem to be getting the hang of that…..(Todd enters, refills Taarzaan’s massive coffee mug)
Taarzaan: Thanks, lad. 'preciate it.
OPE: Enough of that, now, or we’ll be months dismantling the extra self esteem.
Taarzaan: Cry me a river. Todd’s great. It has taken me a bit of adjusting to the toadying. I tend to be a rather self sufficient lone wolf type….
OPE: (gagging)
Taarzaan: gimme a kiss…….anyway, as I was saying, it wasn’t easy for me, having my ass kissed, early, often, and eagerly, but I am sort of getting the hang of it. I’d been consulting Kurt on the subject of “personal assistants”, and he thought this would be good first hand experience.
OPE: Is there a reason you’ve taken an interest in lackeys?
Taarzaan: Well, I’ve long been flying in the face of family tradition—something the courts look favorably on when handing down sentences—but as I get older, I find myself becoming more like my ancestors.
OPE: Meaning?
Taarzaan: That one day I will don the white lab coat, and utter the family motto: “Fools! I’ll destroy all of you!”
OPE: So you’ll no doubt be needing an Igor to call your own?
Taarzaan: Precisely.
OPE: So, you are planning on becoming a mad scientist when you retire. Are there any rough draft plans for world domination?
Taarzaan: Oh, yes—I had to submit a grant proposal already; there is so much competition for funding. I have a plan to breed pigeons with Celine Dion DNA. The idea is, they are mostly normal looking birds; it’s just that they sing like Celine Dion—in unison. So I hold the world hostage—pay up, or I release the Diva Doves.
OPE: That would be hell on earth. I must admit, I’m impressed, and feeling slight homicidal urges towards you.
Taarzaan: Get bent. New topic! I’ve been doing research on Todd!
OPE: Pardon?
Taarzaan: I’ve been reading through the OPE archives for all references to Todd. I’m compiling a complete dossier. Stay tuned!
OPE: Have I remarked on what a sad, twisted person you are?
Taarzaan: At least twice.
OPE: Well, I think we’ve got a better view of the man in the temp position.
Taarzaan: Nicely put.

Now, if you think that was disturbing, you should watch me shave.........

Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder

http://www.toad.net/~arcturus/dd/ddhome.htm
This is one of the best sites addressing narcissism from a clinical standpoint. Short on laughs, long on useful information.

The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Essential Feature
The essential feature of the narcissistic personality disorder is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy (DSM-IV™, 1994, p. 658). Gunderson, et.al, (Livesly, ed., 1995, p. 208) notes that the grandiosity may not be overt or may involve arrogant and haughty behavior.
Kantor (1992, pp. 203-204) describes the clinical characteristics of NPD as:
inordinate self-pride;
self-concern;
an exaggeration of the importance of one's experiences and feelings;
ideas of perfection;
a reluctance to accept blame or criticism;
absence of altruism although gestures may be made for the sake of appearance;
empathy deficit; and,
grandiosity.
Frances, et.al. (1995, p. 374) add:
entitlement;
shallowness;
preoccupation with fame, wealth, and achievement;
craving admiration, attention and praise;
placing excessive emphasis on displaying beauty and power.
Beck (1990, p. 49) describes the key elements of NPD as presumed superiority and self-aggrandizing behavior. These individuals also give evidence of intense motivation to seek perfection and a feeling state of emptiness, rage and envy (Masterson, 1981, p. 7). They are vulnerable to the most negligible slights and are prone to withdraw and become inaccessible when feeling offended (Benjamin, 1993, p. 141).
Individuals with NPD may show little real ability outside of their fantasies. They can become self-destructive because their grandiosity and self-preoccupation impair their judgment and perspective. They can experience such inappropriate rage in response to someone diminishing their sense of superiority that they attack and attempt to destroy the source of criticism (Oldham, 1990, pp. 93-95). These individuals have a particularly difficult time with the limitations inherent in ageing; NPD has been associated with deterioration in midlife with the realization of mortality and loss of physical vitality (Wink, Costello, ed., p. 149).
On the other hand, individuals with NPD may be talented and successful enough to be admired and emulated by others (McWilliams, 1994, p. 171). They can be nearly symptom-free and well functioning. Even so, they may still be chronically unsatisfied due to habitually unrealistic self-expectations (Sperry & Carlson, 1993, p. 316).
NPD may be comorbid with histrionic, borderline, antisocial, and paranoid personality disorders. NPD traits are common in adolescents and may not necessarily lead to NPD in adulthood. Individuals who are diagnosed with NPD are 50-75% male (DSM-IV™, 1994, p. 660).
Self-Image
Individuals with NPD have a grandiose sense of self-importance. They routinely overestimate their abilities, inflate their accomplishments, and appear boastful, arrogant, and pretentious (DSM-IV, 1994, p. 658). This belief in personal superiority is the "bedrock" of their self-image. Individuals with NPD believe that their presumption of superiority is sufficient proof of its existence. They are able to feel secure and content if they think highly of themselves. Negative aspects of self are met with denial or rationalization (Richards, 1993, p. 251). However, maintenance of the belief that they are superior, often without commensurate achievements, can create a painful disparity between their genuine and their illusory competence. The strain of maintaining a false self-image may lead to feelings of fraudulence, emptiness, and disconsolate feelings (Millon & Davis, 1996, pp. 393, 420-421). McWilliams (1994, pp. 177-178) believes that individuals with NPD have some sense of their psychological fragility. They can experience either a grandiose self-state or a depleted, shamed self-state. With external affirmation, they can feel self-righteous, prideful, contemptuous of others, self-sufficient, and vain. With the loss of external validation, they can feel a vague sense of falseness, envy, ugliness, and inferiority.
Kantor (1992, p. 207) believes that individuals with NPD can sustain good judgement if they demand performance of themselves that vindicates their self-esteem. Judgement becomes impaired when the self-love has little realistic basis. Even as these individuals inflate their efforts and overvalue their abilities, they seem surprised when they do not receive the praise they expect (DSM-IV™, 1994, p. 658). They appear to have little awareness that their behavior may be seen as objectionable or irrational (Millon & Davis, 1996, pp. 405-406).
View of Others
Individuals with NPD assume that other people will submerge their desires in favor of the comfort and welfare of those with NPD. They believe that just because they want something -- that is reason enough for them to have it. They assume that others are as consumed by concern for those with NPD as the individuals themselves are; they believe they deserve special consideration from others (DSM IV™, 1994, p. 659) (Millon & Davis, 1996, p. 394). Narcissistic individuals use others to fulfill their own psychological needs and to maintain the stability of the self; others are valued by how well they provide comfort and emotional stability (Wink, Costello, ed., 1996, p. 149).
Kantor (1992, p. 206) notes that individuals with NPD have trouble cooperating with other people as their attention is on themselves. They view others as vassals or constituents; they seek admiration to document their own grandiosity and to preserve their superior status (Beck, 1990, p. 49). They have difficulty recognizing the experience and feelings of others. They lack empathy and form few genuine emotional commitments. They must, at all times, be admired. If they are able to recognize the needs of others, they tend to view these factors as signs of weakness and vulnerability (DSM-IV™, 1994, p. 659) (Oldham, 1990, p. 96). When able to perceive this vulnerability, individuals with NPD behave in a dominant and coercive manner (Birtchnell, Costello, ed., 1996, p. 186).
Individuals with NPD are often envious of others and believe others to be envious of them. They begrudge others their possessions or successes. They believe that they are so important that others should defer to them; their sense of entitlement is apparent in their lack of sensitivity toward and arrogant exploitation of others (DSM-IV™, 1994, pp. 658-659).
NPD self-esteem is fragile and maintained by external affirmation (McWilliams, 1994, p. 168). These individuals are preoccupied by how well they are perceived by others. They enhance their self-image by associating with people who are also superior, special or unique, and of high status; they want to be connected to people of equally idealized value (DSM-IV™, 1994, pp. 658-659).
Relationships
NPD relationships are impaired because of entitlement, need for admiration, and disregard for the feelings of others (DSM-IV™, 1994, p. 659). Individuals with NPD are interpersonally exploitative; they expect special favors without reciprocal responsibilities (Millon & Davis, 1996, pp. 405-406). Their capacity to feel love for others is marginal (McWilliams, 1994, p. 175) and they possess only the kind of empathy that allows them to manipulate and elicit admiration from others (Wink, Costellos, ed., 1996, p. 159). They can be socially facile, pleasant, and endearing; however, they are unable to respond with true empathy and can be disdainful and irresponsible (Sperry, 1995, p. 114). Their relationships must have potential for advancing their purposes or enhancing their self-esteem (DSM-IV™, 1994, p. 659). Without any apparent pay-off, a relationship has no purpose and is unlikely to be sustained.
A grave concern regarding individuals with severe NPD is their cold seductiveness and promiscuity, their incapacity to stay in love, and their inability to either genuinely comprehend or accept the incest taboo (Akhtar, 1992, p. 69). If they do not see their children as separate individuals but as sources of need gratification, sexual behavior is possible.
Yet, in spite of the apparent self-sufficiency of individuals with NPD, they have intense interpersonal needs (Golomb, 1992, p. 21). Their need for external affirmation of their specialness means they must be in relationships that will allow them to feel unique and admired. This overburdens their relationships with their demands for self-esteem enhancing interaction (McWilliams, 1994, p. 174) and they are likely to contribute little or nothing in return for the gratifications they seek. It is central to NPD that good fortune will come without reciprocity (Millon & Davis, 1996, pp. 405-406).
Individuals with NPD are likely to attempt to get their needs met in relationships without acknowledging the independent existence of those from which they "expect to feed." If they are forced to recognize the presence of a benefactor. they demean the gift or the person who has given it. Mates for individuals with NPD often have a NPD parent who has already indoctrinated them to regard exploitation and disregard as love (Golomb, 1992, pp. 21-22). Individuals with NPD are prone to compete with their mates; they want to be with someone special but they do not want to lose the spotlight (Beck, 1990, p. 244).
Within relationships, individuals with NPD expect admiring deference, have a noncontingent love of self, and take presumptive control of others. They often behave with contempt toward those with whom they are involved. They see their own achievements in grandiose and inflated terms while devaluing the contributions of others. At the same time, these individuals have an extreme vulnerability to criticism or being ignored. When their superior position is challenged or their lack of perfection is demonstrated, their self-concept may, for a while, degrade to severe self-criticism (or they may engage in an outburst of rage). Without effective penetration of their defenses, however, individuals with NPD are pleased with themselves and expect to be noticed and acknowledged as special (Benjamin, 1993, pp. 147-151).
Issues With Authority
Competent individuals with NPD are often in positions of authority themselves. If dealing with other authority figures, they are non-deferential, convivial or condescending, and presumptive of special treatment. They do not reveal any information derogatory to themselves and behave with self-righteous indignation when questioned. Lying is not difficult; concealment is a routine behavior. These individuals are unwilling to accept that society's limitations apply to them.
NPD Behavior
NPD behavior is usually haughty. These individuals behave in an arrogant, supercilious, pompous, and disdainful manner. They have a careless disregard for their own personal integrity and a self-important indifference to the rights or needs of others (Millon & Davis, 1996, p. 405). Yet, they can also show assertiveness, social poise, assurance, leadership potential, and achievement orientation (Wink, Costello, ed., 1996, pp. 153-154). Their ambition and confidence may lead to success, but their performance can also be impaired by their intolerance of criticism (DSM-IV™, 1994, p. 659). For all of their grandiosity, individuals with NPD are remarkably thin-skinned. They are easily offended and frequently feel mistreated (Golomb, 1992, p. 22). Individuals with NPD also experience boredom, dissatisfaction, and a lack of fulfillment and meaning in their work (Wink, Costello, ed., 1996, p. 149). It is problematic for these individuals to stay in long-term employment where responsibility for error or failure get harder and harder to obscure (Richards, 1992, p. 252).
Individuals with NPD do not believe that reciprocal social responsibilities apply to them. They expect others to serve them without giving much in return (Millon & Davis, 1996, p. 405). They are abrasive, abrupt, and lacking in gratitude (Beck, 1990, p. 244). They may engage in temper tantrums, verbal harangues, and emotional, physical, or sexual abuse because of their belief that others should be primarily concerned with making them happy or comfortable. These individuals are particularly apt to become resentful and contemptuous of anyone who tries to hold them accountable for their exploitative, self-centered behavior (Beck, 1990, p. 244).
Sperry (1995, p. 114) notes that individuals with NPD are expansive and inclined to exaggerate; they focus on images and themes and take liberties with the facts. They use self-deception to preserve their own illusions. They will do whatever is needed to reinforce their self-ascribed superior status (Beck, 1990, p. 50). They are competitive, boastful, impatient, arrogant, and hypersensitive (Sperry, 1995, p. 114). Individuals with NPD evidence an uneven morality and a readiness to shift values to achieve goals; they may engage in pathological lying (Akhtar, 1992, p. 69).
Affective Issues
NPD affect is generally nonchalant, imperturbable, and characterized by feigned tranquility. This changes when individuals with NPD experience a loss of confidence. Then they become enraged and may experience feelings of shame and emptiness. If these individuals lose their narcissistic feelings of easy superiority, they become irritable, annoyed, and subject to repeated bouts of dejection and humiliation (Millon & Davis, pp. 405-408).
Richards (1993, p. 249) notes that individuals with NPD frequently experience rage, indignation, and frustrated entitlement. Kernberg (1992, pp. 21-22) suggests that hatred is the core affect of severe personality disorders. He believes that the hatred derives from rage which, early in life, served to eliminate pain but became useful, later in life, to eliminate obstacles to gratification. Beck (1990, p. 235) suggests that individuals with NPD experience intense envy, fear, and rage. They are particularly angry when others do not accord them admiration or respect (Beck, 1990,. p. 50).
NPD rage is more tolerable to these individuals than the shame and envy that is associated with helplessness, a sense of ugliness, and impotence (McWilliams, 1994, p. 172).
Defensive Structure
Individuals with NPD are trapped in a kind of perfectionism. They have unrealistic ideals for themselves; then they either convince themselves that they have attained these ideals (the grandiose posture) or feel inherently flawed and a failure (the depressive posture) (McWilliams, 1994, p. 174).
The NPD illusion of superiority is a facet of a generalized disdain for reality. These individuals feel unconstrained by rules, customs, limits, and discipline. Their world is filled with self-fiction in which conflicts are dismissed, failures redeemed, and self-pride is effortlessly maintained. They easily devise plausible reasons to justify self-centered and inconsiderate behavior. Their memories of past relationships are often illusory and changing. If rationalizations and self-deception fail, individuals with NPD are vulnerable to dejection, shame, and a sense of emptiness. Then they have little recourse other than fantasy. They have an uninhibited imagination and engage in self-glorifying fantasies. What is unmanageable through fantasy is repressed and kept from awareness. As they consistently devalue others, they do not question the correctness of their own beliefs; they assume that others are wrong. The characteristic difficulties of individuals with NPD almost all stem from their lack of solid contact with reality. If the false image of self becomes subtantive enough, their thinking will become peculiar and deviant. Then their defensive maneuvers become increasingly transparent to others (Millon & Davis, 1996, pp. 405-423).

Wayans Bros Mug Warner Bros

I'm embarassed to even be blogging this--ok, bs--I HAVE no shame........ has anyone else noticed that the premise and imagery from the Wayans Brothers new film "Little Man" is lifted directly from "Baby Buggy Bunny"(1954)? The one where Baby-face Finster, a dwarf criminal, hides out at Bugs', disguised as a baby? Same bit with him shaving, the same "foundling on the door step" bit.....I admit, I haven't researched the film--they may be openly doing an homage, but jeepers--how does one pad out a 5 minute cartoon from the '50's into a full length feature?
And if we are due for more Bugs remakes--how about the one with Gruesome Gorilla (Gorilla my Dreams 1948), or the one with the little Penguine (Frigid Hare 1949)? I hear the auto-insurance gekko has optioned Aleister Crowley's "Diary of a Drug Fiend" (it's going to be a musical).

The Gorilla in Question

This is Gruesome J. Gorilla. Don't let the placid expression fool ya--he'll injure you right and proper if you get careless.
Gruesome spends his days staring out at the house across the street. What it is he expects to see, he's not letting on. The postal carriers have made no complaints as of yet--he's either A: behaving himself when they come 'round, or B: intimidating them into silence.
Dig that Frankenstein action going on up top. He'll be decked out this Halloween--we haven't decided between Franken-Ape or Robo-Ape. Robo-Ape is the easier of the two--cover him in foil, add antennae and red flashing eyes, and your done.
Where does a 400 lb gorilla sleep? On my front step--no way I'm letting him inside, not after nearly breaking my arm.

I'm baaaaaaack!

( blogger is refusing to upload my pictures. they must be spanked and sent to bed without reading dinner)
I returned to work this weekend, and yay that!! I had a red letter day today--one of those where you feel "ON", and the feedback reinforces it.
I had my first deaf client tonight--I was so happy! It has been my intent to build a deaf-centric practice here in Austin--there are 60,000 deaf citizens in and around Travis county at last count--about half of deaf Americans live here, close to Texas School for the Deaf. So actually getting a member of my target market demographic on the table was thrilling. It was great--I didn't have to hold up my end of a conversation--no distractions, just full focus on the bodywork. She was very pleased with the work, and expect to see her again.
My last client of the night was a nurse who had just finished a 12 hour shift at the hospital down the road. If you had been standing in the hall, listening at the door, you would have suspected something salacious was underway, and shame on you for that! Some people are more vocal than others. It's perfectly normal for some folks to groan, moan, sigh, and go "god, yes!" while receiving massage. I love working on health care professionals--they totally "get" the anatomy rap, and the nursing professionals are ALL in need of some nurturing themselves, so again, I was thrilled to have her on my table. All in all, a great way to return from an owie absence.
Yes, "owie". I worked children's psychiatric--do you expect me to be a fucking vulgarian?
hang about now........I think I've struck irony.............................yes, definately ironic, and not in that faux Alanis kind of way.......not to dis ms morriset--I liked her after she got back from india, and she made an exellent diety in Dogma. Aren't you getting eyestrain from squinting at this tiny italic crap? Sometimes I wonder about muself....but only for a second. I get bored by the topic of "Trey"---there's so many more interesting things to think about. Like ice fishing. Believe me, ice fishing is moe interesting than I am. I pose absolutely no threat of hypothermia to anyone, but you still might end up with a yummy fish dinner. You know, I can keep ad-libbing this crap almost as long as you can read it. seriously, there's not like an "off" button on me, you just have to decide to

A retraction

As it turns out, I may have spoken too soon when I hinted that Taarzaan was doing better healthwise than he had led us to believe. The latest surveillance photos show that he is indeed recovering from a recent unspecified injury. Luckily, he has an excellent team of Hungarian medical students attending him. He gets cured, they get community college credit. It's a win-win.

My apologies to Taarzaan, although in theory he could still be faking it. I'm just saying.