Have a Slackeriffic Thanksgiving

THANKSGIVING HAIKUS

"You've never loved me!"
"Why the hell did I come home?"
"Please pass the gravy."

See my family:
They're all such friggin' morons.
Turkey softens pain.

Christmas music plays,
Yet I haven't finished my
Halloween candy.

Of all the things
I'm thankful for, the least must be
Turkey leftovers.


White man invades us,
Steals our land and livelihood!
Enjoy pie, asswipes.

The zen of Popeye
Echoes as I fill my plate:
I am what I yam.

Stomach exploding,
I can't eat another bite.
What? Pie? Bring it on!

Pie sirens singing,
Beckoning from the table,
Taunting me loudly.

So full I could burst.
Keep that mint away, despite
Its wafer thinness.

Pumpkin pies untopped,
Whipped cream dribbles from the can.
Who took nitrous hits?

Sometimes we're thankful
For the things we do *not* have.
Like, you know, Trump's hair.

Carve the turkey... yum!
White meat, dark meat, red meat-- huh?
Crap, I've sliced my thumb.

Forty-four years old,
Still at the kiddie table.
Pass the damn peas, punk.

This posting is as pre-fab as the dinner I'm serving tomorrow. All I have to do is bring it all to serving temperature, so i can't give you the whole "making everything from scratch" excuse--I'm just being a lazy sod!

Many Faces of Amber

Here are some of the many phases uber-babe Amber has gone through. She is such a girly-girl when it comes to the clothes and grooming. Beyond that, she's low maintenence and self sufficient. She totally rocks.

Goodies from The Onion

Ok--I'm all cranky this week. Holidays suck in my family. Ma always gets a bit withdrawn and sad on ThanksGiving--her favorite brother--my uncle Dwaine I never met--saved his friends from a grenade on Thanksgiving Day 1950 in Korea. The holidays go downhill from there. Since my brother Edd died, and my surviving brother can't seem to tear himself away from whatever it is well off retired people without spouses or children do, Ma has developed a "screw it" attitude toward the H-days. So I get a bit ratty, envying my friends that have the whole family thing going on--pathetic, when you find yourself wishing for a good old family row.
So I get cranky rather than depressed--anger is more empowering and all that shit.....I'll soldier on, and do the cooking/shopping thing anyway. I'm determined to beat this. I keep waiting for three ghosts to turn up--I have big ghost bashing sticks already, that's right, it's gonna be "ghost of christmas bashed" this year!
so here's some goodies from The Onion to make up for me whenging.

Your Horoscope
November 16, 2005 Issue 41•46
Aries March 21 - April 19
People think you're delusional when you say you're in love with a girl on a billboard next to Highway 41, until they realize you fastened a nursing student up there with carriage bolts.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your long-held belief that the pen is mightier than the sword will be put to the test this week when you sign up for a combination fencing/calligraphy class co-taught by an angry Spaniard and a weary sensei.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
This is the nesting season of the Turner's Dauber, a nine-inch-long species of parasitic wasp that injects its starving, carnivorous larvae deep into a species of wren that looks just like your new hairstyle.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your resistance to technology comes to a sudden end this week when you're garroted with a length of fiber-optic cable.
Leo July 23 - August 22
There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out the crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated Christians.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Some say that your shortsightedness will be the death of you, but it's your glaucoma that leads you to drive up an off-ramp and into a gasoline truck.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You're no music expert, but the shadow growing in size around your feet looks like that of a concert grand piano.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your death will be so protracted and violent that investigators will let your mother down easy by telling her you were sodomized in half by a horse.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You'll finally put an end to your illiteracy this week when what you believe to be a bowl of alphabet soup turns out to be a can of minestrone with a POISON label on it.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19(that's ME!)
Once again, a poorly timed wisecrack at the office will lead to you lying prone in a ditch with ice water up to your chin and your hands going numb on the grip of the .45.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
It'll finally hit you this week that the Gerber baby is most likely dead by now, a realization brought on not so much by the photo on the front of the jar but the mush inside.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The good people over at Fisher-Price say it's impossible to be dismembered by one of their toys, but you'll soon show those smug bastards what's what.

Fun Site

I found a new (to me) site via the weebl site--Adam Phillips' Bitey's Castle. clicky aqui http://www.biteycastle.com/ and check it out. I love the style--it really appeals to me on many levels. The colors and contures of the drawings seem to resonate with my inner child (a real little shit) and the character Bitey is so endearing (to me, anyway). The style and spirit of the 'toons is cute without being cutesy--there is a distinct "not niceness' to the work, but not mean spirited. Be sure to catch the Brackenwood series. The site is fun to explore, and after you've done with the toons, there are stories to read!

Evidence

In Memory of Fafhrd

My friend Sandy suffered a loss Saturday night. Her eldest Pom--the charming Fafhrd--went into cardiac arrest . As you may well imagine, we're all quite upset. He was 12 & 1/2 years old. She got him around the same time that Conor(Sean's oldest son) was born. He was a funny little guy--thought he was a big dog, had a severe case of Napoleonic complex, twirled and yapped like a mad thing whenever someone left the house, and did the most revolting hilarious things to a toy rabbit you ever saw. He will be sorely missed.

See More at Steal This Blog

Here's a still from Peacocks in the Trees (not really)--but see more at STB

Letter from Home

Goodness--it has been a while, now hasn't it? I've been so busy here, what with all the massaging and all--amazing how, after a day of soft tissue manipulation, one doesn't want to type terribly much. Something to do with tired hands and forearms--that, and the whole massage therapist super stregnth--keyboards shattering beneath the fingers, and all.....
The weather here is still quite balmy--I ran the AC last night, just to be comfortable enough to sleep. Speaking of sleep--who'd a thought it? I sleep much better now as an RMT-- none of the vexing insomnia that plagued me as a psychiatric aide. Huh.
Amber and I are scheduled to go for a stomp around the grounds of Laguna Gloria-- a local art museum with lovely nature trails, studded with great whopping huge sculptures and the like. It's like the fairy tale woods, if the fairies had grants to produce art. I'll be taking the camera along with, so hopefully there will be new photos on STB tonight--batteries willing.
Speaking of my baby twin sis, I scanned a slew of old photos of her--just amazing how chameleonic she is. That will be yet another post on STB.
And speaking of photos and posting--I have more of the lovely and talented Dawn-- stay tuned!
Love to all!

10 Massage Therapy Jokes (One Good One)

1. Massage Therapist: Your appointment is for 9 A.M. If I'm not on time, start without me.

2. Massage Therapist: Let me know if that's too much pressure. I don't want to torture you. That would be an added charge.

3. Massage Therapist (monologuing): I'm going to be doing frictions which can be a little unpleasant. It's at this point patients sometimes say (in a Sean Connery accent) "Do you expect me to talk?" And I say (wigged out Goldfinger voice): "I expect you to die, Mr. Bond!"

4. Client: What's in the massage oil?
Massage Therapist: Patchouli and some Rosemary. It smells nice. I tried using holy water once but it burns! It BURNS!

5. Massage Therapist: Is the pressure okay?
Client: How will I know if it's not "okay"?
Massage Therapist: If you see dead relatives beckoning you toward a bright light, that would be one clue.

6. Client: So...where did you get your training?
Massage Therapist: Prison.
Client (hushed gasp): Oh.

7. Client: By that pressure, I'd say you don't like me very much.
Massage Therapist: (Easing up.) No, no! Thank you for telling me the pressure was too much for you. If I really didn't like you, I'd use the lawn mower maneuver.
Client: (Curious) Ah, and what's that?
Massage Therapist: I wrap a long towel around your head several times, place one foot on your back, take one end of the towel and, er...start you up!
Client descends into silence for the rest of the hour, tips generously and scurries out.

8. Client: Jeez! That trigger point really hurt!
Massage Therapist: Yeah, if only I would use my powers for good instead of evil.

9. Massage Therapist: Would you like some Tiger Balm down your spine?
Client: No. You shouldn't use that! It's not ecologically sound! It's made with real tigers!
Massage Therapist: Ma'am, I can assure you that Tiger Balm is not that expensive. I've looked at the ingredients and I'm sure it does not contain any tiger residue whatsoever.
Client: Oh. Um. Okay.
Massage Therapist: The Baby Powder, however, contains 96% actual babies.

10. Client: I'm thinking of becoming a Massage Therapist myself. In the job I have now all I hear is complaints and people tell me their problems all day.
Massage Therapist: Spoken as a true healer.
Client: Huh?
Massage Therapist: What is it you do now, again?
Client: I'm a nurse.
Massage Therapist: (Speechless.)

Knackered

I did 18 chair massages today, with but 2 wee breaks to run to the gents, as big wet stains on the trousers are considered unprofessional. The only negative effects I can report are trying to log in as my password, using my user name as a password, and generally being brain dead. Sleep now.