Goodies from The Onion

Ok--I'm all cranky this week. Holidays suck in my family. Ma always gets a bit withdrawn and sad on ThanksGiving--her favorite brother--my uncle Dwaine I never met--saved his friends from a grenade on Thanksgiving Day 1950 in Korea. The holidays go downhill from there. Since my brother Edd died, and my surviving brother can't seem to tear himself away from whatever it is well off retired people without spouses or children do, Ma has developed a "screw it" attitude toward the H-days. So I get a bit ratty, envying my friends that have the whole family thing going on--pathetic, when you find yourself wishing for a good old family row.
So I get cranky rather than depressed--anger is more empowering and all that shit.....I'll soldier on, and do the cooking/shopping thing anyway. I'm determined to beat this. I keep waiting for three ghosts to turn up--I have big ghost bashing sticks already, that's right, it's gonna be "ghost of christmas bashed" this year!
so here's some goodies from The Onion to make up for me whenging.

Your Horoscope
November 16, 2005 Issue 41•46
Aries March 21 - April 19
People think you're delusional when you say you're in love with a girl on a billboard next to Highway 41, until they realize you fastened a nursing student up there with carriage bolts.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your long-held belief that the pen is mightier than the sword will be put to the test this week when you sign up for a combination fencing/calligraphy class co-taught by an angry Spaniard and a weary sensei.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
This is the nesting season of the Turner's Dauber, a nine-inch-long species of parasitic wasp that injects its starving, carnivorous larvae deep into a species of wren that looks just like your new hairstyle.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your resistance to technology comes to a sudden end this week when you're garroted with a length of fiber-optic cable.
Leo July 23 - August 22
There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out the crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated Christians.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Some say that your shortsightedness will be the death of you, but it's your glaucoma that leads you to drive up an off-ramp and into a gasoline truck.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You're no music expert, but the shadow growing in size around your feet looks like that of a concert grand piano.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your death will be so protracted and violent that investigators will let your mother down easy by telling her you were sodomized in half by a horse.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You'll finally put an end to your illiteracy this week when what you believe to be a bowl of alphabet soup turns out to be a can of minestrone with a POISON label on it.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19(that's ME!)
Once again, a poorly timed wisecrack at the office will lead to you lying prone in a ditch with ice water up to your chin and your hands going numb on the grip of the .45.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
It'll finally hit you this week that the Gerber baby is most likely dead by now, a realization brought on not so much by the photo on the front of the jar but the mush inside.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The good people over at Fisher-Price say it's impossible to be dismembered by one of their toys, but you'll soon show those smug bastards what's what.