Advice From The Expert

We here at IRBHN have come to the sudden and inescapable conclusion that we are woefully understaffed. I make my own coffee, cook my own meals, and actually type my own blog entries. This menial drudgery is cutting into my work time, and has really depleted the time left for surfing for porn.
Whenever we find ourselves in a predicament of this caliber, we turn to a trusted authority, be it doctor, accountant, or tarot reader-- to provide the guidance and wisdom that will get us back in porn surfing mode pronto. And when it comes to the subject of flunkeys, lackeys, and Igors, there is no higher authority than blogmaster Kurt, of Other People Exist. When I quizzed the great and powerful one about the care and feeding of minions, he had the following words of advice for his humble student:

Your Lackey
A guide

Finding and molding a good lackey takes time and patience. Not everyone is lackey material. Some people, even the very lowly, have what they call principles and will not be dominated, even when it's in their best interest! To spot potential lackeys, ask staffers to bring you a coffee and see who does it with a smile. Say to him You forgot the cream. Does he run to get it?

Excellent.

Next, increase the frequency of menial tasks: Get me a pen. Hold this. Tie my shoe. Now the other one. A good lackey will respond to this with more ass-kissing, more compliments, and requests for yet more tasks - any task, in fact, that pleases you. It's a wonderful feeling.

Once you've got a lackey, you are responsible for cultivating him. He will only ass-kiss if he believes it gets him closer to you. Give him a little gift like a lighter. Buy it new as if you care. He will cherish it, and it will get him through those rough times when you don't have the patience to treat him well. He can hold it tight to remind him of how much you "care."

Care and Feeding

The feeding schedule for your lackey is the same as for other underlings, except that the lackey will prefer to do the serving. Let him.

Lackeys need to know that their ass-kissing is being heard and that their menial labor is appreciated. Simply saying Thanks, now get out of my sight once in a while is all it takes.
Never forget how lucky you are to have a lackey. Even the most subservient underling can be pushed too far. Find your lackey's threshold and keep your demands just under it to maximize your pleasure and ensure long lackey life.

Domo arrigato, sensei Kurt.