I'd Rather Be Here Now

"Throwing Art in People's Faces"

2011-05-13T12:02:00.000-05:00

Zombelina,-or- Thumbelina ate my brain

2011-05-09T14:06:00.003-05:00

So, having embraced my inner Bond villain, I spend my time directing community theater instead of blogging. Much more evil, and you get to experience the audience's response in real time, instead of in your imagination. One of our mottoes :"Fuck the power of the imagination". And by that we mean: "modern sproglets have disgusting imaginations, so lets leave as little to it as possible". Subsequently, one is faced with a mountain of tech to build. Costumes to sew, puppets to make, and all kinds of props to build. Having talented evil assistants makes it all so much more fun! More on my unholy proteges later............................... pictured are the beautiful and talented Melissa as Thumbelina, and the talented and beautiful Alan as the Fairy King.
At the show's opening performance last Saturday, a small boy was presented to Melissa by his mum, requesting a hug from "dreamy Thumbelina". I swear I saw his psyche imprint her as his feminine ideal.
My evil plans are subtle, and take a while to develop. I think I may need a cryogenic chamber if I plan to enjoy the fruits of my evil labors.

Bond Villain in Progress

2011-03-25T23:06:00.003-05:00

The "community theater" thing is really starting to pay off. I've got a pair of mysterious talented women as assistants--J and L-- and they really help reinforce the whole evil genius vibe I've been working. I'm thinking about enrolling L in a bodyguard school, and J has already made herself indispensable as my personal assistant. I hardly even have to scheme and plot anymore. I just sign off on their ideas. So much free time now! Maybe I'll join an evil book club.............

I was going to spare you the sight of my blasphemous creations, but Kurt insisted. Despair!!!

tra la la

2011-03-08T16:57:00.003-06:00

So, now I'm directing Thumbellina, but with a feminist twist at the denouement. We are making puppets to both help reinforce the whole "tiny" idea, and also to distract the sproglets during scene changes. This fishy is just the first of a school---three that size, and three smaller, making a school of bright bobbing distractions. No, you may not call your new band bright bobbing distractions.

TTFN

2010-12-20T12:52:00.000-06:00

Hansel and Gretel Ate My Brain

2010-11-10T18:53:00.002-06:00

Also, a really icky sinus infection from being out in the wind and allergens all weekend. It must be some karmic retribution from making the cast sleep in unheated kennels, or something.
The show's producer is quite happy with my work, and wants to find funding to pay me with for future projects. Additionally, she seems to think my wee penchant for brutality would be more appropriate to Grande Guinol type productions. She's right---Grim's Tales give me the willies.

Show Opens!!

2010-11-07T10:30:00.002-06:00

After months of writing, planning, rehearsals and brutality, the show opened to a very satisfying house. Ok, we opened in a parking lot, but from a theater history standpoint that just makes us like strolling players or something. We got laughs at all the right parts, and everyone clapped really really hard at the end. We have 3 more shows, and none of them are in parking lots! Today, I shall grant them leave to perform on an actual stage. I know, I spoil my actors........

I'm a Fucking SAINT, I Tell you........

2010-10-27T23:20:00.002-05:00

..................and don't start with the "How can you be evil and a saint, too?" crap---look up St Augustine, for starters. Anyway, hagiography aside, I tell you I want to be canonized, or given a lollipop at the very least, because I haven't dropped a single f-bomb in front of anyone under the age of 19 during the process of directing this little puppet show.
To quote Kinky Freedman, "I would never say "fuck" in front of a C-H-I-L-D". But tonight, during our first tech rehearsal, when one of the mics made the whole system feedback, I came really fucking close. Thank fuck I'm not a fucking vulgarian.

countdown.......

2010-10-21T22:49:00.002-05:00

......to community theater. Two weeks or so until we open, and the show promises to be........cute.

What do you want from me? Remember---EVIL.

Whoops! I'm Evil.......

2010-09-29T02:33:00.003-05:00

Seems I have--quite accidentally--become a super villain. Oops.

Before you get all judgey, and risk incurring my twisted wrath, allow me to explain.

The"Dr Angst" facet of my personality---once minute---has staged a hellish coup and merged with my artsy-fartsy creative side. Sounds like a gay Bond villain to me.........

The change was slow, and subtle. The urge to direct community theatre, my draconian approach
to conflict resolution, and now, the final straw---I am putting people in thrall.

You may recall a comment from Kurt Xxxx ( I ask him how to pronounce Xxxx--he said "the European pronunciation") where he said, and I quote, or actually copy and past :
" Kurt said...

I love low pay! "

What, you may ask, has gotten in to him?? Besides the whole "was a teechur" thing????

Four words.

Funee. Tyme. Bat. Buddee.

The gift that keeps on giving.........funniest thing, Kurt was concerned about possible concealed nanny cam tech imbedded, and completely overlooked the whole "will tapping Voo Doo hex" angle.

So, now that Kurt-Kurt-Kurty-Kurt-Kurt is in thrall-thrall-thrally-thrall-thrall,

I have no idea what to do. He's geographically too remote to be of much real use, damn it.

Does anyone know where the de-thrall powder is? I can only take so much responsibility.

Lola---She Gets What She Wants, Apparently

2010-09-28T00:00:00.001-05:00

The Satin Dollz in "Whatever Lola Wants" from Dan Blank on Vimeo.

the floggings will continue until morale improves

2010-09-22T23:08:00.002-05:00

So, we have 5 more weeks of rehearsal.............and I'm NOT loving what I'm seeing. Seriously, I have to recast two roles---one adult, one child--if this is going to work. And rather than blaming "the phantom" and just dropping lights on them, I have to tell them. Verbally. Using words.
You would think I'd be more looking forward to it, happily rubbing my evil mits together, anticipating their anguish, but somehow I just don't.
Is it too late to blame the phantom? Or Andrew Lloyd Webber??

Oh, the ruthless, cut throat world of community children's theater. How many soul's must it have before it's unholy thirst is slaked??? How many ruined lives? How many dashed dreams? How many licks to get to the center of the tootsie-pop of local celebrity??

WANTED: MINIONS- hard work, low pay, ugly death.

2010-09-15T16:54:00.003-05:00

I'm posting early this week, before rehearsal, rather than after.

Six individuals will be absent this week. (Still haven't healed completely from last week.)

Additionally, I'm having to be the responsible adult in charge tonight, since Anais' babysitter canceled. (Still haven't healed completely from last week.)

So, I have to open the space, turn lights on/off, etc---the things I usually have minions handle.
(Still haven't healed completely from last week.)

So I'll be responsible for holding the key to the church. Posting early, in case of that whole pesky bursting into flames thing.

Rehearsals Begin. Who Will Survive.....

2010-09-08T23:59:00.004-05:00

....................and what will be left of them?

We began our journey of a thousand steps tonight.

I'm calling in a ringer at the end of the month to understudy half the roles. Keeps people sharp when they see their prospective successor.
And I taped this picture by Sebastien Millon to my script notebook, just to remind my beloved cast of thespians that failure=being eaten.

More sunshine and puppy muffins later!

Be sweet, and go read Sebastien's blog--linked to the left--CHRONICALLY SICK,ETC

Suffer For My Art--- Other People Must.......

2010-09-02T02:11:00.003-05:00

...apparently.
You know me. I'm a problem solver, never content to merely whine--I prefer to take action.

After rereading my last post, I realized the answer to my problem was as obvious as inbreeding at a Tea Party. All I had to do was eliminate or even just significantly reduce the number of competing elements. All those things that were keeping people from auditioning for my production of Hansel & Gretel had to DIE!!

A judicious application of arson,blackmail,contaminants,drugs,electricity(pictured),forgery,
garrotes,homicide,insects,judo,karate,lions,mustard(gas),nails,
origami,perjury,quinine,
rabies,snakes,torture,unkindness,virus(computer),wi-fi,xenophobia,yodeling, and zither music
was all it took to bring down my enemies. Goodbye, scouting. Adieu, school athletics. Sayonara,
see ya around, don't let the screen door hit you in the ass on your way out.

I have a full cast! I had all I needed and more turn up--qu'el surprize-- so rehearsal may begin next week. And the smoking shell of this chastened city may begin licking it's wounds, rebuilding, and chiseling into stone the lesson of the week: "When our overlord smiles and says "please", do it at once, or he'll break both your knees".

I made it an easy to remember little rhyme. I'm such a giver!

City I Live In Too Damn Interesting

2010-08-30T00:13:00.002-05:00

Seriously. What do you have to do to cast a community theater project? Back in the flashback inducing old days [twitch!], we clambered over each other to audition. It got us out of sheep milking, thorn harvesting, and other such hated chores. But here in Hipsterville? Way different.

All the fun/stimulating/trendy stuff we have here totally eliminates the need for community theatre. YouTube gives the wannabees their illusion of stardom, and the fear of ridicule stymies all others. What the damn hell, and shit a monkey!!!!!

I have most parts cast, but as a budding Bond villain and mal vivant, I want a huge crowd of minions!!!! But I'll take 6 or 7 stout hearted types. Any age. Even really old people. Or animals.
I may resort to puppets if this last round of auditions doesn't produce.

Once "Popular" Blog in Mothballs; Ersatz/Former/Part-time "Blogger" Blames Workload, Extracurricular Activities

2010-08-12T22:16:00.003-05:00

(AUSTIN,TX) Once "semi-prolific" semi-blogger Trey Hoel, known to some as "Taarzaan", professed a lack of time and energy as chief reasons for his lack of posts. "Between full-time self employment, aging, and directing community theatre projects, I just forget to blog", whined the rapidly greying hippie, "plus with everyone just reposting porn on Tumblr, who the fuck has energy to compose text?". Public reactions have ranged from apathy (68%), to vague interest in the theatrical componants (12%), to deeply prurient curiosity about porn (20%).

I Just Wrote This Horrid Joke

2010-06-17T13:28:00.003-05:00

..............and had to share it.

Why can't Anna Nicole Smith find a parking space at Walmart?

( punchline in comments)

Tilly VS the Closet Monster

2010-06-13T22:24:00.001-05:00

This bit of cinemania is brought to you by the ever whimsical Bart, and the ever stalwart Tilly.

Lady Frankenstein

2010-06-04T00:06:00.003-05:00

Since you've been so good and patient, and haven't whined for a new post (like you still care), you may stay up late and watch this awesome cheesy crapola movie. And you may also have unlimited snacks. Just don't tell yer Ma, ok? I'm not up for another excoriation........
ALSO: totally NSFW--gratuitous boobies/naked ladies---remember the bit with Karloff throwing the girl in the pond? Recreated here with a naked lady. Plus, the monster looks like it was designed and rendered by an 8 year old child, and the creepiest part is the sexual politics. And the way the underlying necrophilia theme really gets obvious. Think of Lady Frank as Mary Shelley's alter ego, or something. And don't tell yer Ma, seriously.

Sing Along

2010-05-15T14:49:00.001-05:00

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom

Irony Mass Inversion Impending.

2010-05-12T16:46:00.003-05:00

Austin,TX-- It became apparent early today that conformist attitudes in young adults have caused the hipster population to overtake the mainstream population, thereby making hipster the new mainstream. Edgy has become the new banal, and obscure is the new redundant. Additionally, sources report that apathetic has become the new impassioned. Then they rolled their eyes, and sighed "whatever". Irony mass inversion is expected to create a gaping black hole of mediocrity, sucking the entire hipster culture to a dimension you no doubt have never heard of.

Recycled Post-Earth Day Post

2010-04-24T00:16:00.001-05:00

I barely remeber having writen this, so--semi-new to me:

The Ultimate Social Network Quiz

1. Which character from Alistair Crowley’s Diary of a Drug Fiend do you most identify with, and why?
2. If you had to be a transvestite crack whore for one day, what brand of make up would you use? Condom? Box cutter?
3. What’s your favorite antibiotic?
4. Favorite pain? Pain killer? Serial killer? Cereal?
5. You’ve been nailed by the wrists to a redwood deck, and a drooling psychopath is standing over you with an axe, ready to behead you.
A: How did you get there?
B: Why you should live, in 50 words or less.
C: What are you wearing?
6. Where did you hide your stash when you were in high school?
Middle school? Kindergarten?
7. Des Cartes said :” Je pense, donc je suis”. Would you date him?
8. Jock or nerd: which one goes best with white wine?
9. What has it gots in its pocketses?
10. If you were an STD, which one would you be?
11. What’s your most shameful secret? Be specific, with details.
12. Everybody has their price—what’s yours?
13. Who should be first up against the wall when the revolution finally happens?
14. Besides me, wise ass.
15. You encounter Andrew Lloyd Webber, Anne Gedes, and Ayn Rand in a deserted meadow. You have only one bullet. What do you do?

Welcome to Austin! Don't Be A Douche!

2010-04-21T22:01:00.003-05:00

I read somewhere that Austin was the 6th most moved-to city last year. I'm treating it as good news, because it helps raise the ratio of clients to massage therapists for the better (MT's are as thick here as mosquitoes in a swamp). But on the other hand, I must despair of the inevitable culture dilution that occurs. So welcome, new comer, but leave that urban blightmare bad attitude in your storage unit. Don't bring us your paranoia, your impatience, your douche baggery. Adjust to a more sincere, mellow, thoughtful existence. You've been living in a game preserve for assholes. You are used to being a creep reflexively-- like blinking. Texans generally don't stand for that. We've barely gotten past dueling and feuding, so don't push your luck. Years of rigid role expectation, forced courtesy, and country music have made most Texans into walking time bombs. All you have to do is go a short distance away from here to find them. And sometimes, they drive in to shop. So for safety's sake,for the children, for puppies and Christmas, just to make sure you don't inadvertently provoke someone into acting out in a big, scary way-- clean up your fucking act.

Leagle Department Mumbo Pocus

2010-04-06T14:18:00.005-05:00

Dear Kxxx,

Your FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ is ready to be shipped. Our shipping department will get around to it before too long, unless they go on another week-long drug fueled orgy of destruction. Then, it might be a few weeks. Anyway, our legal department insists I furnish you with the following disclaimer/list of warnings/waste of everyone’s time:

Disclaimer:

Your FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ is intended for decorative and recreational use only. No actual fun is guaranteed.

FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ is for external use only.

Do not use FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ if redness or swelling persists.

Discontinue play with FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ if you experience loss of vision or hearing.

Do not expose FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ to cosmic radiation, as this can cause specific side effects, sometimes fatal.

Do not blaspheme in the presence of FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

What's wrong?

Do not allow FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ to become wet.

Do not expose FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ to open flame, or other source of heat.

Do not taunt, threaten, or cajole FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

Discontinue play with FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ if you experience erection lasting more than 4 hours

I had the pear dream again.

If choosing to utilize the BED TYME BUDDY™ feature of your FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™, do not allow perspiration, saliva, or urine to come in contact with FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

Was I there?

Do not operate machinery or drive a car under the influence of FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

Do not loan money to FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

Yes. I think I'm insane.

Hide all prescription drugs, alcohol, and firearms in proximity to FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

I know you are.

Avoid prolonged eye contact with FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™, as this can lead to a loss of will and/or blood.

Do not perform erotic dance moves in the presence of FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

Do not in any way flirt with or “lead on” FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™

We hope your FUNEE TYME BAT BUDDY™ will bring you minutes of enjoyment.

(not for sale to minors under 21)

So---What is "Kurt" REALLY Like?

2010-03-29T22:30:00.002-05:00

The memory is somewhat blurred---like the memory of staring into the sun on a peyote fueled vision quest. A mixture of profound insight, nausea, and a Greek chorus of armadillos. Almost exactly like that, but with several extra "L"'s in the word "exactllllllly".
Of course, you are doubtful. Some of you doubt the very existence of Kurt. Some of you doubt my existence (sometimes, even I do). But such flippant frivolity is the earmark of a Scotch-knob. Look it up.
What is Kurt like? A gazelle. Yes--he is cautious, and graceful. Then, there is that wild ruminant aroma--the kind that draws the big cats, slinking through the undergrowth. Also, like a gazelle, he possesses a fine, generous spirit. The hooves complete the whole "like a gazelle" vibe.
More, true life Kurt-based experiences, coming soon. By "soon", I mean "when I bloody well feel like it, Sparky".

Kurt's Time Here Drawing to a Close; City Drowning Sorrow in Pints of Haagan Daaz

2010-03-10T11:41:00.002-06:00

Why does there have to be so much sorrow in the world? Why can't Kurt be everywhere at once, or at least stay here where we can all bask in the radiance of his despotic glory? There might have been a follow-up Kurt/Trey summit last Monday, but it got preempted by bad weather/fatigue/each waiting for the other to call. If it had not rained all day, Kurt would havebeen taken to this city's oldest and most awesome putt-putt golf range, nestled in the heart of our fair village. I really wanted to show him my favorite nature preserve, but traveling alone with me to a secluded woods somehow didn't appeal. I even volunteered to let him carry the shovel and hacksaw, but no. Also, he "forgot" the little hand made bat toy presented to him, thereby thwarting our plans for surreptitious monitoring his every move via embedded GPS/nanny cam technology. He's quite canny, that Kurt. Watch this space for a retrospective of our encounter.

Overheard at the Kurt/Trey Summit

2010-03-07T12:08:00.002-06:00

"Quantum physics shows us that matter, on a sub-atomic level, is an attention whore".

After Math

2010-03-06T19:22:00.004-06:00

....or maybe after gym class----oh, hell--no time like the present....................

May I offer, for your perusal/feverish bidding like a bunch of starving sharks at an estate sale, the following items?

The actual sofa upon which Kurt actually sat (seating area indicated)
The section of carpet upon which his actual feet (shod) actually rested
the table and sheets (sheets made actual contact)
a cast off hair from Kurt's actual head(!!!!!)

Also for sale, but not yet pictured:
the actual door upon which he actually knocked (shave-and-a-haircut,btw)
the actual bathroom he was in for a whole couple of minutes
the passenger side seat/ entire truck that safely transported Kurt to his hotel.

I'd really like to offer up this entire house, along with the hotel, but apparently there are some sort of silly laws prohibiting me from doing that.

But don't let me catch you even looking at the Todd nail clippings. MINE!!

The Hour Grows Ever Closer

2010-03-06T12:29:00.003-06:00

................when HE arrives. I've strewn the place with subtle collectors of shed skin cells and CO2, all cleverly disguised as clutter. Also, having read that last post, I have diplomatically chosen to send the odd-Tay one-Clays out for the day---what the eye doesn't see, the heart can't take out back and shoot. Again. And again.
What will happen? Will he agree to my experiment in quantum blogging--the one I've decided to call
"Schrödinger's Kurt"? So may questions, and so little time left to prepare. Watch this space for further updates----should I survive.................................your bids will be taken on the various memorabilia generated by his mere presence.
Now, if I can just lure Mariana here...............

2010-03-06T09:28:00.003-06:00

The historic and possibly ill-advised meeting between bloggers Kurt and Trey takes place today, if the buses are running. I wondered what would be the most appropriate gift to bring Trey as a thank you for the elaborate meal he is undoubtedly preparing. Only something special would suffice.

You may remember that, with the repurposing of OPE blog, Todd was rendered obsolete, and it became necessary to take him out back and shoot him. It was even kind of satisfying. Anyway, in my culture, it is traditional for the family of the deceased to prepare the body for burial. Todd's people couldn't do it, as they didn't know he was going to be dead. So it fell to me.

Fortunately, as I was clipping Todd's nails (and giving them the traditional French tips), I slipped them into a ziploc bag for later archiving. What could be a more appropriate gift for Trey than a little piece of Todd (and a ziploc bag)? I of course retain the cloning rights, but the clippings will be his to fondle!

eBay, Smithsonian, or Vatican Vault?

2010-03-05T21:57:00.004-06:00

A new meme to replace marry-fuck-kill---what should I do with the actual phone on which I actually spoke to Kurt ? It comes with access to the voicemail left by himself, so extra value and all, but what to do? eBay? Donate to Smithsonian? Or hand over to the Vatican to be forever suppressed? Your input will be gratefully read. Probably.

You REALLY Wish You Were Me Right Now......

2010-03-05T13:41:00.001-06:00

.............seriously.

It is possibly a sign of impending apocalypse, but............. I just spoke to Kurt. On my actual phone. I have evidence that other people actually exist.

I think you wet yourself. I'll wait here while you clean up.

It gets better. He's coming here to IRBHN World HQ.

I think it's mentioned in the book of Revelation.........

Bad News: Some drunk guy peed on the pillow pile erected in the towne square. We tried to hold off on the public execution until Kurt could be present, but public outrage being what it was..... sadly, Kurt was not able to enjoy the bloodletting. Talk of gladitorial games has been heard................

What I Did With My Holiday Blues

2010-03-03T02:19:00.004-06:00

The holidays usually give me the blues, so I decided to stay busy.
They say idle hands are the devil's workshop, but I think I made a fair case for busy hands producing the ungodly.
Colorful ginger bread voodoo dolls are fun--my fave is the blue guy with the comb over.
This is my innovation---the single sock monkey, made from only one sock.

Bats. I made many bats. The toothy one at the bottom flew all the way to Portugal. His arms are still tired!
F-Bomb bunny, number 2 in the holiday depression bunnies series
emo bunnie---number one of the series
an evil sock monkey, and more bats and bunnies below.

The City Prepares

2010-03-02T11:08:00.003-06:00

So much to be done! In anticipation of the arrival of a certain blogstar to our fair ("so-so" fair, not "pretty") city, the local authorities/village elders are "taking certain steps".
Stray dogs are being rounded up, and given baths, haircuts, and breath mints (on their new collars, like St Bernards); vagrants are likewise being collected, bathed, and taught to sing our simple songs of greeting (tone-deafness leading to bone-deadness), and best of all, in the towne square--a giant pillow pile.
Let it never be said that we don't know how to kowtow to the glitteratti!
Here is a (partial) list of celebs who have graced our little settlement in days past:

Kukla and Ollie (no Fran)

That skinny girl from the movies (the one with dark hair, except she's up for some award for being in a movie with her hair blonde)

That guy who plays bongos naked

That blonde guy who plays a vampire on TV

That other blonde guy--the big one

Some other people I didn't personally recognize, but they had a real 'tude, so they must be famous

The boogie man (at night, under the beds)

Something to Blog About

2010-03-01T12:02:00.004-06:00

Hey! How are you! Wow, it's been-what? About a million years since an update, right?
Things have been very interesting. I found a dead raccoon, for starters. What is so interesting, as opposed to disgusting, about that? Well, it had apparently committed suicide. Where it ever learned to tie a noose, I'll never know.
And speaking of shocking news, guess what? Go ahead, guess away.
Nope. No. Wrong. How rude. No. No. And, NO!
Ok, I'll spill.........someone is coming to visit the wanna-be major American city I live in.
"So", you may say, "don't people often visit your quaint little 'berg?"; to which I can only reply "well, yeah---but not like THIS person". So there, smarty. With that kind of attitude, I might just keep my little secret. Hum dee dum dum dum, la la la la la laaaaaaa.......................
What? Oh, are you still here? What? Who might it be, you ask? Do you really want to know?
Ok, I'll tell you.
[ahem] It is with mixed pleasure and apprehension that I tell you...........what are you looking at?
Oh, that. Yes, my hair looks weird. I asked Mei-mei to help me trim it, and she thought I meant chop most of the length off the back. Yes, it looks silly. No, I'm not getting it "fixed", I'm just going to gel it to death until the back grows out again---that way the front will be longer, and it will all tie up neatly. Why grow it if I'm only going to tie it up, you ask? Why are you all up in my business? What's it to you? What's that? You think I'm stalling? You think maybe no one of interest (other than the douche bag entertainment industry vermin that swarm in for sux by sux worse) would ever set foot here in this oasis of hipster mediocrity? Ok---enough trivial dead raccoon hair tragedy minutia.
The person of interest, the one leaving the relative comfort of their very own domicile to travel to this geographic location is------wait for it, even better---scroll down....................................................................................................................

Kurt-Kurt-Kurty-Kurt-KURT!!!!!

Couldn't you just die? Well don't---not here, anyway----I still have a dead raccoon to remove.

Is this some lame excuse for not blogging?

2010-01-23T01:58:00.001-06:00

Well, an attempt, anyway.
Just when I thought I was as weird as I was going to ever be, I discovered how much Bjork appeals to me. In my world, she makes perfect sense.

Really!

2009-12-14T01:20:00.000-06:00

D o sumthing.......ergh

2009-11-05T00:26:00.002-06:00

.........................[slurred trill]..................eh!

where's tha.....................thing..................I wanted? ya know, tha..............dammit.

dammit dammit dammit dammit DAMMIT!!!!!!! uuuuuuuugh!!!

tha.........thing tha plays MUSIC........................over there. it is. over there it is...........I'll jus'.......................................jus'........................................................["Rehab" begins on stereo]

[THUD]

DOAS pt 3: Rhyme "Furry" with "Ennui"

2009-11-03T23:54:00.003-06:00

Dear Diary,
So, this is sentience.

whee.

More than just a little bit disappointing. In fact, you can HAVE it.

I'm a raccoon. I was about as ready for an existential crisis as a manatee is ready for pole dancing . Maybe less.

Ok, so I'm the first raccoon to contemplate it's own mortality. If you were planning on a plaque, keep it. What I need is a drink. Or something.

And to make matters worse---something has been eating my berries. Oh, I apparently have a concept of ownership now, and it is causing me no end of vexation.

My garbage, my berries, my den--my mortality, my nausea and inertia--[angry trilling]
I'm off to steal some booze and an Amy Winehouse CD.

It smells gross in here, but it's warm

2009-11-03T08:26:00.004-06:00

I like what the raccoons have done with this place. Nice use of garbage to make a little soft place for resting. Best impromptu den I've seen, and I've stolen from quite a few. I like the same berries they do, so when they go out to do whatever shit raccoons do, I check out their stash. It's good stuff, after you wash their stink off. I may bring some of the cool squirrels with me next time. Peace out!

DOAS: pt 2

2009-11-01T21:25:00.002-06:00

Dear Diary,
The trick-or-treating ruse worked like a charm! I have enough simple carbs to double my body weight eight times, but something tells me to go easy. I'm mildly disturbed by the leaps and bounds my intelligence has taken since lapping up that green glowy liquid that was dripping from the cloning tubes. There! How the hell do I know about cloning? I'm a frickin RACCOON.
And when did I learn to type?
Seriously--what the hell?

Diary of a Scavenger Pt 1

2009-10-30T13:23:00.002-05:00

Dear Diary,

The new lair seems safe. The scent of blogger is old and faint, like it wasn't used very often. Good.
This abandoned blog is in close proximity to many bountiful back porches. Lots of food scraps in bins, and stale pet food in bowls.
The natives are dim and slow. Tomorrow night is Halloween. Planning to pass myself off as a trick- or- treater, and load up on carbs for the approaching winter. Hope I don't catch rabies!

Oh, Look! An abandoned Blog.........

2009-10-27T22:54:00.000-05:00

.................shelter. maybe have litter here. feral babies have room to grow strong.
Raccoon happy!

Happy Autumn Equinox (today, maybe tomorrow.....)

2009-09-21T12:21:00.002-05:00

We here at IRBHN World Head Quarters wish to extend our best wishes for the end of (brutally hot, bordering on homicidal) Summer to one and all. There. We've done it. Pagan holiday greetings--check.

One finds, as one grows older, that the tendency to behave like an elderly hippie rather increases.
Interests and enthusiasms for organic gardening "take root"(rim shot), and the whole thing begins to gather speed, eventually leading one to sourdough bread. It seems to be a short road from cultivating vegetables to cultivating wild yeasts. (One fears that cheese making and folk dancing may attempt to raise their rustic heads.)

...... not a WORD to the squirrels

2009-08-04T19:39:00.002-05:00

...or the mice, either.

That tomato plant? The one I was in despair of getting anything from, what with the insane heat? It has TWO NEW FRUIT.

Seems that at some point overnight the temperature got cool enough for them to do their thing and make baby tomatoes. Now, if I can just figure a way to keep the critters at bay.........

The Boosh is Mighty: 4-Way Crimp

2009-07-28T14:05:00.001-05:00

Mostly Safe for Work, except for the brief "fuck you" at the very end.
Crimpety crimpety........

Partial Apology to the Squirrelly Tribe

2009-07-21T13:17:00.002-05:00

.... it seems I utterly failed to hold the MICE responsible for their part in the great tomato robbery. It is as though Beatrix Potter has set her cute little minions on a campaign of terror against my garden. I think it may be related to the record high temperatures here, and the water content of the plants.

Civic Duty---- Check!

2009-07-21T13:05:00.002-05:00

For several years I was excused from jury duty because of my status as unpaid caregiver.

Yesterday, I did my first jury summons, and it really was surprisingly pleasant.

At first, it was like a flashback to high school-- a group of people stuck in an old building, wishing they were anywhere else.

The nice lady with the clipboard gave us these little numbered signs, like at an auction. They made good fans.

These case was civil suit, so nothing traumatic.

My favorite of the two attorneys was a mellow, confident older woman ( I think she'll win the case, just based on her obvious alpha status); the judge was a substitute, and had a Johnny Carson-like vibe-- he kept us entertained while the two sides made their choices.

I wasn't chosen, but the other two long haired dudes were, so yay Austin or something!

Squirrels Can Be Such Bastards Sometimes...........

2009-07-16T23:37:00.002-05:00

.like today, when the twitchy nosed little fuck ganked BOTH juvenile beefmaster tomatoes, passing many green cherry tomatoes--no, the evil little tree rats had to have the last two tomatoes of the season, I get it.
Cute little malevolent gangrenous syphilitic blasphemies.

MILESTONE!!!!!!!!

2009-07-12T23:41:00.002-05:00

I performed my 2,000th massage at work tonight---(2,000 there, not career total)
thats 100 times 100, times 2. And many of them were 90 minute or 2 hour sessions, so I've clocked way more than 2,000 hours at my "new profession".

Alyssa and Megan and Sarita and Andrea and Lee and Monica (receptionist and co-therapists) feted me with cupcakes (!), and the clients were generous---deep thanks to all.

I celebrated by using some of my tips to purchase the Amy Winehouse Back to Black CD--damn, I hope she survives-- she's like the Billie Holiday or Edith Piaf of our day---can Angelina Jolie do an intervention for her? If anyone can speak with gravitas about self re-makes it's AJ---she kinda used to be an Amy, and now she's a fabulous force for good (quiet, Jennifer).

LMT POV

2009-07-12T22:18:00.002-05:00

.....stands for "Licensed Massage Therapist Point Of View".
This is how I remember my clients---upside down, on their backs, and really relaxed. Sometimes they get so relaxed that they regress to the olden days of black and white photography--but only when they get super duper extra relaxed. Like Sean, here.

Garden Update

2009-06-09T12:40:00.002-05:00

The garden has grown quite a lot since the last time. It was an experiment in container gardening. As all that goes, I prefer the in-the-ground method when possible, so I'll be cultivating the large open back bits for a fall vegetable garden soon.
Against all expectations, the broccoli is flowering in this hellish Texas heat. Crazy plant.
Also, a sad before/after of the courgette/zucchini plant that produced one modest fruit.

I Hope This Is All Just A Vivid Nightmare

2009-06-05T15:01:00.003-05:00

Never under estimate the power of tacky and over the top.

Q: How might one make "Total Eclipse of the Heart" even more cringe worthy?

A: Rewrite it in German, stage it with vampires. Et Voila! C'est toute merde!

My Brother Edd

2009-05-21T15:21:00.002-05:00

Today marks the 57th anniversary of the birth of my brother, Edd. He died two months before his 51rst birthday, from hepatitis C contracted in Viet Nam. He never understood his importance in our family, nor would he have expected his passing to have the effect it did on the family as a whole, as well as the individual surviving members. He was our oldest brother's closest ally. He was Ma's "lost boy", having run away/whereabouts unknown on and off through the 60's and 70's, and he was my primary caregiver in early childhood. He helped shape my sense of humor--we shared a love of the absurd. He was a photographer in New Orleans, and a Harley Davidson mechanic here in Austin. He was also an excellent semi professional poker player, and was very generous with his considerable winnings. He saved the day more than once for several people with his generous nature. His wake was like a cross section of the population of earth--as diverse a group as one could imagine. He was accepting of others and more charismatic than he knew. It has been six years since his passing, and I do miss him dreadfully.
Happy Birthday, Edd.

UPDATE!!

2009-05-20T12:07:00.002-05:00

Zowie! Long time, right? It isn't as though I had the best, most valid reasons for my absenteeism-- full time work, garden to tend to, zombie apocalypse...........[sings]there are zombies at the bottom of my garden.......... mind you, they make excellent fertilizer once properly mulched--unfortunately ( or perhaps, luckily) they produce zombie vegetables!

Unfortunate for the unsuspecting diner just trying to tuck into a big plate of broccoli with cheese sauce, then--boom! Brains eaten by broccoli; Lucky for the misanthropic host hoping to draw yet another tedious evening of entertaining to a swift conclusion--it is all a matter of perspective, really.

So, in the following days, be sure to rest up, get plenty of exercise (running from zombies is the healthiest thing imaginable, given the alternative), and eat your vegetables--

BEFORE THEY EAT YOU!

told you so

2009-05-01T00:01:00.003-05:00

Zombie Virus Spreads, Mutates Much Like Swine Flu

2009-04-27T17:07:00.005-05:00

When it rains, it pours.....................as if the zombie problem wasn't nuisance enough, now the swine flu is vying for terrifying news of the week. It had just better not get any ideas about bonding with the zombie germs and becoming the undead flu, because a virus is way too small to shoot in the brain without major magnification, and it is just too much trouble.
Pictured above are examples of human-pet zombie attacks, lion-on-lion zombification, the after-math of kitteh zombeh-fication, and a nifty educational poster to help you through the next few days.

Still Not Undead

2009-04-23T01:45:00.003-05:00

This photo was taken some weeks back here in Austin. The news of the aftermath has been largely ignored. I'm writing this in hopes that someone in the outside world will read it................. The effects of the zombie infestation on the 20-somethings has been the most negligible. They continue to be mindless conforming consumers, and they were so steeped in hipster ennui at their time of conversion to the walking dead that they pose no actual threat, being too ironic and cynical to even attempt to feast on the flesh of the living.
As for the rest, this being Texas, the zombies all died of starvation after 2 days---not enough brains to keep even an anorexic zombie [dibs on the name for a band] unalive .

Bulletin: Plants Apparantly Grow in Spring

2009-04-07T10:33:00.004-05:00

I keep checking on them, and every day they get a little bit bigger. The authorities must be alerted!

Topical! The Musical

2009-03-18T00:35:00.002-05:00

Watching Keith Olberman, I was struck with an inspiration for a Fox-Searchlight movie about the AIG execs...................ScumBag Millionaires!
These jokes just write themselves sometimes......................................

Bloggin' O' the Green

2009-03-17T14:06:00.003-05:00

Happy day to you all. Pictured here are

A: The shamrocks that the faeries planted
( I filled the planter with a potting and compost mix, and planted a banana tree in it. Between the drought and the various freezes, it died. Now it is quite literally overflowing with the shamrocks that inexplicably have popped up in it's place. )

B: Half of my vegetable garden. Lettuces, beets, mustard, kale, broccoli, garlic, and onion.

album cover waiting to happen

2009-03-16T13:34:00.002-05:00

empty nest, bare tree--it just begs to be the cover to an emo band's debut...........use your imagination.

cold comfort--racing kane

bare memory--dialectic division

just kinda unfocus your brain and it will come to you............

Inspiration!!

2009-02-25T21:45:00.002-06:00

My fabulous friend Lisa said something tonight that
A: made me giggle like a demented chipmunk, and
B: gave me inspiration for a horror project (most likely to be produced as a puppet show)

She remarked that cows freak her out--the vacant eyes--what if they're faking it?

OMG!!! What an awesome premise for a horror flick!! Cows are really evil genius' that are controlling us through the food chain! They want you to eat beef/drink milk/wear leather, so they can saturate us with their evil mind control hormones or whatever it is they are using, to whatever nefarious end!!! It's just goofy enough to be really disturbing...........................yesssss, excellent.................................................

Caption This, Too.

2009-02-15T12:52:00.001-06:00

Caption This

2009-02-04T13:09:00.002-06:00

Butterfly-EEEEEEEEEEEEE

2009-01-27T14:37:00.004-06:00

T-Shirt Design That Just Came To Me......................

2009-01-26T19:26:00.003-06:00

Get it? Like the "I'm with Stupid" shirt, but with a big bloody knife instead, 'cuz of the whole "psycho" angle..........................................*sigh* I hate it when you look at me like that...........

Don't Worry--Its Only A Hallucination

2009-01-24T01:12:00.000-06:00

Our Reseach Department Resumes Work After A Long Holiday

2009-01-19T19:50:00.002-06:00

..........and I'm afraid the droids need recalibrating (or Betty, our head of R&D may need a med change) based on this memo I received today:

"Concerning Chicken Ears:

Our research has shown that the most delicious part of the chicken is the ear. The ear of the chicken is so tempting and mouth-wateringly scrumptious that the first thing a baby chick does, even before breaking out of the shell, is to eat their own ears. Just try to bite yourself on the ear--that is how motivated the chick is to get at it's own tantalizing delectable ear meat. It not only tries, but it manages to gnaw it's own ears all the way off, leaving absolutely no lingering, drool inducing morsels as evidence--the greedy bastards."

Clearly, there is a problem somewhere.

Well! Did you ever! What a swell party this is..............

2009-01-06T01:37:00.007-06:00

It has been a non-stop gala event here at IRBHN World Head Quarters. After the New Year's festivities, we celebrated our most important event--the birthday of our founder and chief.
(me, silly!)
Pictured above is our devoted and talented staff:

Top left: Dr Angst, looking cheerful (for him). The good doctor has been testing his ennui bomb here at the IRBHNWHQ, resulting in very little actually getting done. I mean, why bother? What's the point? What does it all mean??? ( sorry--recent exposure to an ennui grenade)
Top center: We have absolutely no idea who this is. We all gasped with surprise, then indulged in a round of "so--you see him, too?". Seems we've all seen him around the office, and just assumed he was a hallucination and kept quiet about it. Dr Angst denies all knowledge, but that's to be expected. He might be a genie or something--I hope so. I always wanted a genie friend......
Top right: Ellen (Nelly) Bourgeois, head of human resources and cafeteria dinner lady. Before you accuse me of overworking her, let tell you--it's all her idea. She also caters our parties. I've developed a taste for eye of newt..........
Bottom left: Me, on one of my better days, and after one of Madame Bourgeois' more hair raising lunch entrees.
Center: Betty Bourgeois, daughter of Nelly, also head of research and development.
Right: You-You (in gorilla suit), newest (probationary) member of the staff. You-You will be joining us full time after his old job officially ends next week. He has some bold ideas, mostly about invading other blogs that may at some future date develop technology that would pose a threat to IRBHN. He lived here in Austin about 8 years ago, and needs a place to crash, so I decided "what the hell?", plus Madame B likes to make him wear the monkey suit.

I just turned 48, and am experiencing a bout of "future disgust"--it is much like "future shock", but with more existential nausea and inertia. Again, Dr Angst is playing innocent..........

Happy New Year

2009-01-02T12:39:00.005-06:00

Best wishes for the new year to you all,as we re-negotiate our service contract with the chimps that type this stuff up for us. We've received an application from a chimp soon to be unemployed, asking for a position here at IRBHN ( Washington D.C. postmark).
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.........possibilities for comic mis-adventures is pretty high, but still......

Xmas Day Imrovisation

2008-12-29T13:21:00.006-06:00

So, sometimes my quasi-hipster-smart-ass-self parodying mouth gets me in these situations.................like dropping in on neighborhood friends on Christmas day with toys for their rowdy boys (9 year old twins and 15 year old emo boy big brother).

I chose "room-a-rangs" for their combined playability and safety (what boy doesn't want to throw things in the house?)

And, being a self parodying old hippie, I quipped "Just dropped by to distribute wholesome, all ages fun, and sing a song about unicorns and the environment"--setting myself up for a room full of expectant faces, waiting for the song.................so I improvised:

"Unicorns love to pollute,
kill all the unicorns you can shoot".

I never said it was a nice song about unicorns and the environment......................

At Last, We Roast Our Goose For Xmas

2008-12-24T00:01:00.000-06:00

Taarzaan:

(sings)

It’s the day before Xmas, and here on the blog

we’re gonna roast Kurt O’er the flaming Yule Log

reader response was tepid at best

but here’s just a few who must

get-- this –off- their- chests!

[tepid, insincere applause]

Thank you, thank you…[FEEDBACK]………….welcome to the first ever Xmas Eve Day Celebrity Blogger Roast! An event so big that it’s happening on TWO BLOGS! That’s right, our roastee couldn’t be here today, thanks to an injunction and three different restraining orders…[EXTRA LOUD FEEDBACK]…………[applause]…thank you.

When you think “curmudgeon” who pops into mind?

When you think “unemployed”, who are you thinking of?

When you think “banjo playing lay about who somehow manages to travel the world, while the rest of us go to work”. is there anyone in the world other than OPE’s very own Kurt Xxxx? Hell no!

We’ve gathered today to share our thoughts and feelings for and about Kurt. We all think Kurt is a [FEEDBACK]er, and who doesn’t share the opinion that he [FEEDBACK/LOUD WHINING FEEDBACK] when no one’s looking? But enough chit chat—on to the guests!

First up, we have our own little conscience, Blogdom’s very own Julia!

[APPLAUSE]

Julia:

Today I'm here to honor our good blogmaster, Kurt. What can I say about a man who is loved and respected by everyone who knows him? One thing I can say is he’s not the man I’ll be talking about today. (Cue uproarious laughter)

Kurt inspires me every day. I’ve already written about him on my own blog one whole time in only four years of blogging. Kurt is a selfless man. He gets personal satisfaction when we whore out our own blogs while pretending to write for him. He was selfless enough to give Taarzaan permission to do this roast, so my taking time out of my full and exciting life to write this was not in vain.

Kurt is a perfect gentleman, not at all creepy. I know this because he assures me that it is considered perfectly healthy for a man his age to maintain a fixed interest on Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. Just remember it’s a fixed interest. We avoid the word “obsession”.

Reading OPE gives me an edge on today’s news that none of my real world friends have. They are constantly amazed by the stories I bring to them. Let’s just say jaws drop and heads slowly shake. That’s how you know they’re really impressed. Kurt is first with the inside scoop that you will get nowhere else. Seriously, google his stories. You won’t find them anywhere.

Kurt is a man of many talents. He’s a goat herder, sunflower farmer, clafouti maker extraordinaire, and prolific newspaper rejectee.

They say you can learn a lot about a person by looking at those he associates with. Kurt is a man of the people. I’m talking about the average folks who work hard every day with a love of God and country in their hearts. Folks like Nan Patience, who lives in folksy backwoods places and work on their road kill photography. Folks like Merle Sneed, the champion of illegal immigrants and death row inmates. Folks like Taarzaan, the guy I know nothing about. And folks like me, your everyday middle of the road vegetarian homeschooling mama. Thanks, Kurt, for sharing some of yourself with us regular people.

Taarzaan: Thank you, Julia. You are far too kind. Next, we have a limerick from the lovely and talented Emma:

Emma: There once was a blogger named Kurt, you see
Who’s writing left his readers in ecstasy
But when he skipped town
We tore his place down
As we all pined and moaned for some dirt.

We wonder whether he is a male
His complexion is pasty and pale
Todd refuses to say
What they do every day
But I hear it could land them in jail.

So in writing this little rhymed roast
I refuse to give Kurt Xxxxx a toast
Unless he confesses
If it’s true he wears dresses
Or else of his manhood he can boast.

Taarzaan: That was surprisingly un-smutty, Emma---better luck next year, eh?

Next up, an unidentified source wearing a mask has this to say:

[Unidentified reader]:

well, well, well. well. well, i knew kurt back in the real world in a large american city on the west coast where he was once allowed to teach young children. he was also allowed to mentor young nubile lady teachers. i mean, really young, like 21 or 27... they were young and he liked it. thing is, whenever i try to talk to them about kurt, they don't say much. kind of roll their eyes a bit, giggle uncomfortably and squirm a bit in their chairs. then the next thing i know they're talking about their kids and husbands and what they plan to cook for dinner, and they speak in such soothing warm tones, i forget that i even mentioned what's his name. and they don't remind me... and they're not even young anymore, i mean, they're like 34 or 39...

well, well, I know that Kurt was a good mentor to them. they turned out to be some of the fave teachers. Lots of dads request their classes, that's what I hear, anyway. I guess it was such an overwhelmingly good experience that they are kind of, um, overwhelmed whenever they think about it. i liked seeing the photo of Kurt with the little Egyptian children. I hope he taught them something good.

Taarzaan: I’m blushing. Let’s hear what Megan has to say:

Megan:

Kurt,

I have known you only a short time, and in that short time my life has not changed much. It used to be when I was feeling down about myself, I would look around at those less fortunate, and feel a little better. Now, all I need to do is look at your archives. At least that means I don't have to go outdoors more than is necessary.

I have gazed in boredom at your seemingly endless supply of interns.

I have stuck by you in spite of your dependence on Todd. If there is such a person. It's getting to the point that if I am introduced to someone by the name of Todd, I look at him or her in a highly peculiar way.

Inexplicably entangled, I tried to buy your friendship. It didn't work. The age-old dilemma of Artist/Patron has separated us, almost at birth, as it were. I can only declaim that my intentions were honorable. That the introduction of the pound of flesh into our fledgling relationship should have tarnished it so completely, means only that I must suffer from the consequence of privilege. And I can deal with that.

In the meantime, I have remained in wait while you have gallivanted about, living your "real" life, and only caring enough about me to leave a few words on almost every single post I've written since we first met. Not that I've noticed.

If asked, I would deny all contact. If challenged, I would admit an affinity. If tortured, I'd give up everything I know.

Sincerely,

A Subscriber for Life.

Taarzaan: Thank you, thank you all. I’d just like to take this moment to share the most important thing I’ve learned from Kurt—the phrase “unless I don’t feel like it”. Thanks, Kurt!

Ok---ya’ll don’t have to go home, but the hall is being used for a Rotary Club meeting in 20 minutes, so sayonara until next time!

And don't neglect to drop by Other People Exist for Kurt's rebuttal.

...............making a list

2008-12-22T21:08:00.003-06:00

Dear Santa,
Just a quick note--first, sorry about last year. That feud with the tooth fairy caused me to calibrate the security system to be extra sensitive to supernatural anthropomorphic manifestations. My commitment to the extinction of that dental douche bag blinded me to larger issues, and I apologize. I hope you are feeling better by now.
Second, I wanted to let you know that the IRBHNWHQ has been invaded by tropical birds.
Two of them. Don't be afraid of them, but don't get too close, either--they are evil.
And lastly---you'll find the money and the name of the target by the milk and cookies. Try to make it look like an accident.

Pure Unbiased Scientific Research

2008-12-15T23:04:00.004-06:00

We here at IRBHN World Head Quarters spare no effort in our tireless research into the matter of waiters & skeeziness. Today we publish our findings on the influence of owners upon their pets, as it relates to the whole waiter=skeezy equation.

We assembled a crack team of dogs—one belonging to an engineer,

one to a paleontologist, and the third to a waiter.

We provided the dogs with a 20 x 20 room filled with bones, and left them to their own devices. The following is an excerpt from our observation log:

8:00am: Dogs sniff each other, establish dominance/hierarchy

8:15am: Paleontologists dog (Alpha) assembles bones into reproductions of dinosaurs (T-Rex, Stegosaur, and Triceratops)

8:30 am: Engineer’s dog (beta) assembles bones into architectural reproductions (Eiffel Tower, Roman Coliseum, and Sydney Opera House)

9:00 am: Waiter’s dog (omega) chops bones into powder with razor blade, snorts powder, fucks other two dogs, calls in sick

........its just that they're so endearing when they're young............

2008-12-14T22:44:00.006-06:00

(Your typical skeezy waiter: NOT the topic of tonight's post)

My war with the waiter tribe will resume probably tomorrow, but for tonight, I must confess--I just tipped a waiter 50%. Seriously.

OK--set up. There I was, off from work early, not attending the office Xmas party, out shopping for cool weird crap to give my friends and co-workers, after having a great week tip-wise, and in a surprisingly good mood, holiday depression taken into account. I stopped in at the neighborhood Mexican Restaurant for a solo dinner, and sat in "Alex"'s section--on his first night working there. Unspoiled by bad influence of co-workers, horrid customers, and mendacious management, he was just the perfect mix of funny banter (<5%),attentiveness(>80%), and BS charm(15%)(he "carded" me). How could I be anything other than generous???

No fear--I shall resume casting aspersions upon the House of Server soon enough. For tonight, let there be peace between us.

RIP Bettie Page

2008-12-12T22:09:00.004-06:00

22nd April 1922---11th December 2008
Rest in peace Goddess of The Sexual Revolution.

Gentle Suggestions on the Topic of Tipping Your MT

2008-12-11T23:26:00.005-06:00

I received an e-mail from a famous globe trotting, banjo playing blogger that contained the following words:" I'm shocked to find that $5 is a bad tip for a massage".

Many approach tipping their Massage Therapist in the same way as a waiter/server.
That will never do! Does the waiter take your order, prepare it, and then feed it to you, stroking your throat to induce swallowing? No, your waiter is off at other tables, out smoking a cig, snorting meth in the kitchen, chatting on their cell phones---you get the picture.

Your massage therapist, on the other hand, has their hands directly on you for about an hour, and the massage isn't happening unless they are directly exerting themselves. It is as different as is possible from a waiter's gig. Also, your massage therapist is a well trained, licensed and insured allied health professional. Your waiter is a skeezy stoner who has fucked at least half of their co-workers and stolen as much flatware and water glasses as possible.

So the next time you contemplate tipping your MT, imagine what the experience would be like if the MT bopped from table to table, stopped to smoke/smoke out, chat on the phone, have a quicky in the walk in freezer, and steal.

Sock Abuse

2008-12-10T00:46:00.005-06:00

just a monkey

Just this guy

cuddly sock alien

IRBHN Interviews: Taarzaan

2008-12-09T00:09:00.002-06:00

We caught up with blogger, massage therapist, and insufferable pedant Taarzaan in his high-tech Austin lair, and posed the question on so few people’s minds—

“Taarzan, WTF?”.

IRBHN: So, “Taarzaan”—what’s up with all the big words and shit?

Taarzaan: “Vocabulary”.

IRBHN: Whatever. So, how come you don’t use little, easy to understand words? How come you gotta be all……. I dunno……..

Taarzaan: I never feel comfortable “dumbing things down”—I feel like it is an insult to the intelligence of the reader. As a child, I always resented being spoken to as though I was feeble minded. In fact, I detested Captain Kangaroo—I felt like he was patronizing me.

IRBHN: …………

Taarzaan: I mean, I didn’t know the word “patronize”, but I had a strong sense of it’s meaning—anyway, I always enjoyed something more if I had to stretch a bit—so I guess I project that onto the imagined audience.

IRBHN:………………..ok. So, what about that “roast” thing?

Taarzaan: Believe it or not, I’ve only received three contributions—Kurt read them, seems pretty cool with it---but I keep hoping for more, and a nice rebuttal from Kurt-Kurt-Kurty-Kurt-Kurt. So I wait another few days, maybe a week……..

IRBHN: Stalling—we get it. Like with the Todd clones, right?

Taarzaan: Whatever.

Still to come: Taarzaan’s secrets revealed.

Unless we don’t feel like it.

Phrontistery Phun Phollow Up

2008-12-08T11:33:00.001-06:00

We here at IRBHN World Head Quarters would never ignore a mandate from the reading public. We may not respond appropriately, but we would never ignore something like that.

"Mandate?", you may ask----"What mandate?". Well, if you don't call two requests for pronunciation a mandate, then I am ~~stuck for something to write about~~ puzzled as to your definition of "mandate" (something like a "guy crush"?).

When investigating the proper pronunciation of obsolete words, one must use the proper tools---in this case, our trusty ouija board. We made contact with Samuel Johnson and Noah Webster (separately, as we have but one functioning ouija board, and the thought of the unholy row those two might get into.....)

Samuel Johnson: Damn you, sir! Damn your sorcery!! What heretical jackanapery is this? What? You want the pronunciation of words no longer used???? Are you serious?? Think, man---if they are no longer is use, how then would anyone know if you mispronounce them? Now be off--I've reincarnated as a trophy wife in Tokyo, and I'm about to go do something that always gets me diamonds.

Noah Webster: beep! You've reached the afterlife voice mail of Noah Webster--sorry we can't take your call at this time, as we've recently reincarnated in Tokyo, and are busy enjoying the attentions of a trophy wife and buying diamonds.

So--I'm going to "wing it"--

alabandical-- al-uh-ban-dik-ul
amarulence-- ah-mar-yoo-lence
aretaloger--air-ret-tall-oh-jer
brabeum--bray-bee-um
brephophagist--bref--foe--fage-ist
celeberrimous--sell-i-berry-mus
defedate--def-feh-date
drollic--drole-ick
gnathonize--nath-un-eyes
hemerine--hem-mer-een

Phrontistery Phun

2008-12-05T12:46:00.000-06:00

Yearly evaluations have come and gone, and I totally didn't get shot--again!

As a show of gratitude to those who's comments may have had a wee hand in keeping my brain bullet free for another 12 months, and in the spirit of ~~friday slacking off~~ public service, please accept this offering of "lost" words (actual words out of common usage) from
http://phrontistery.info

alabandical

adj

1656 -1775

barbarous; stupefied from drink

amarulence	n	1731 -1755
bitterness; spite

aretaloger

1623 -1656

braggart; one who boasts about his own accomplishments

brabeum

1675 -1675

reward or prize

brephophagist	n	1731 -1875
one who eats babies

celeberrimous	adj	1768 -1768
very or most highly celebrated

defedate	v	1669 -1669
to defile; to pollute

drollic	adj	1743 -1743
of or pertaining to puppet shows

gnathonize	v	1619 -1727
to flatter

hemerine	adj	1854 -1886
daily; quotidian

Electric Blogging Engine, IRBHN World HQ

There! a nice little quiver full of verbal arrows to fire into your daily conversations with the folks you meet during your day--the Draughtsman, the Chirurgeon, the Town Crier, the Chandler and the Fletcher.......we take no responsibility if you get beaten up.

That Time of Year Again

2008-12-04T12:09:00.000-06:00

Science is Hard

2008-12-03T11:59:00.005-06:00

We here at IRBHN World Head Quarters are ever in a process of learning from our mistakes, refining, and hopefully improving. That is why, when faced with questions such as : "When will the Todd clones be ready?", we reply(in a hopefully quite refined way) "Dunno".

Our past efforts at cloning and recombining DNA have not been without mishap. But we forge ever on, our collective eyes on that brighter future, where everyone, even Todd, has a Todd of their own. (One of our better efforts, the "Whooshing Crane", able to finish its winter migration in 45 minutes)

(One of our minor disasters,relaxing on the set of "Sex and the City")

US recession 'began last year'

2008-12-02T00:03:00.001-06:00

“No Shit, Sherlock” replies US public

“The US entered a recession in December 2007, according to the National Bureau of Economic Research (NBER).

Its business cycle dating committee, which is considered the arbiter of whether the US is in recession, met on Friday to make the decision.”

We assembled a panel of experts to give their perspective on the situation:

Betty Bourgeois (student): Dating Committee? OMG!! That’s what my girlfriends and me call ourselves-----we all have to approve before a guy can date any one of us. That’s just SO HOT—do you think they can introduce us to some rich guys?

Jeremy Boswell (laborer): So, this committee decides whether or not we are in a recession? Well, they made the wrong decision, buddy, ‘cuz I’m gonna kick their recession-making asses! That’ll teach ‘em to screw with the economy like that…….

Taarzaan (future warlord): When civilization collapses, those pencil necks on that damn committee had best steer clear of my cave, because people without useful skills will be EATEN………..that goes double for “DJ”s, understand? You can just start calling yourself ”DJ Filling Snack”, or “DJ Tasty Treat”, you useless little twerps.

Never mind the wolf at the door---there's a damn BEAR at the WINDOW!!!!

IRBHN: Your Springboard to Smut

2008-12-01T00:15:00.003-06:00

We here at IRBHN World Headquarters(TM) are sensitive to your special, unspoken, and deeply embarrassing personal needs.

We know that the one thing you long for most (besides that last piece of pumpkin pie left over from Thursday) is a website you can feel good about leaving to surf for porn. We understand that some sites are so kind and sweet and squeaky clean that it makes you feel dirty (and not in a fun way) when the very next website you visit is one of your appalling fetish sites.

Well, we here at IRBHN won't bat a single eyelash if you drop by, just to forge on to whatever sweaty little den of perversion you're into this week. You may sleep soundly knowing that there is almost nothing that could possibly shock us (although disgust is ever an option).

(It is difficult to tell whether the phallic bit in the middle is some high-tech no-no toy, or a bong.)

Things to Do Now That I’m Back from OPE

2008-11-28T12:59:00.001-06:00

Its not much, but I call it home.

1. Dust off keyboard, interweb cables; politely shoo away the family of opossums that has taken up residence in my blogging chamber. (Maybe they could move into the unused portion of the music room).

2. Pay a visit to the cloning lab; make sure Todds are comfy in stasis chambers.

3. Unpack, distribute gifts of stolen silverware/towels/grooming supplies to friends.

4. Analyze hair samples extracted from OPE carpets—identify Kurt’s, make special doll.

5. Shave, groom for work.

Riffing on Kurt's Latest Thread at OPE

2008-09-30T19:01:00.000-05:00

For Kurt, and for my really dim young friends who don't know many big words, I hereby now
POST ALPACA LIPSTICK.

Royals Roll Out Red Carpet for Mariana's Birthday

2008-06-20T12:44:00.000-05:00

(Lisboa,Portugal) In a last ditch effort to be useful, heads of the ruling families of Europe assembled to celebrate Mariana's birthday, and to crown her Queen of Blogging.
"What a bloody bother", said Mariana, "I mean, they mean well and all, and it is nice getting presents, but these guys have been following me all day--the red carpet has to be laid out before I walk anywhere, or else they get really upset. Also, the lady with the cake doesn't seem to have much of a grip on anything other than that cake--and she won't allow anyone to slice it--not that these guys should be trusted with anything sharp--all the inbreeding has taken it's toll."
The well meaning but silly royals presented Mariana with a "Blogging Crown"--at first glance what appears to be a conical red party hat, but upon further inspection proved to be the remnants of a witch's hat, possibly confiscated during the 1600s. "This hat thingy just doesn't match any of my shoes, plus the damned thing keeps whispering to me--I was working on an Image Association post, or trying to, at least--and now I don't have the post, but I learned a spell that turns horses into rabbits--really really big rabbits. Just what the world needs, right?"

Happy Birthday, Mariana!

Meme--I got Tagged by Mariana at Gatochy's Blog

2008-05-15T01:32:00.000-05:00

1. Pick up the nearest book.
2. Open to page 123.
3. Locate the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences on your blog and in so doing…
5. Tag five people, and acknowledge who tagged you.

From the 1948 Good Housekeeping Cookbook:

"Cover necks well with clam liquid or water; cook about 10 min. Strain liquid into soup; discard necks. Add tomatoes, 2 cups more of clam liquid, soft parts of clams, and flour combined with 2 tablsp. of water."

I'm only tagging Mendacious--Kurt would beat me (or send an intern), and Delta is way too busy being a productive citizen of Finland, and Sebastien hasn't updated in a while, and......you get it.
Oh, BTW--it's a recipe for curry clam soup.

Random Stuff

2008-05-07T22:59:00.001-05:00

So---back when I thought I would be moving to Montana, I placed some sprouting potatoes in my compost heap--the same heap I'd put all my potting soil and organic compost in. They took off and grew like crazy, and yesterday I harvested fresh spuds from my garden. Never having had them fresh from the earth before, allow me to say "WOW!!". Tender--amazingly so. Made the most toothsome hashbrowns at breakfast, and mashed at dinner--you could just plotz. I'm going to try soup, next. There will be onions to harvest soon---probably going to become soup, too. (I'm a soup crazed soup addict--don't try to get between me and the broth if ya know what's good fer ya)
Speaking of soup--I made fresh cream of mushroom last night---again with the "wow". Using half-n-half makes a big difference (no more skim in my soup, merci beaucoup)
And being truly random, let me say that The Long Kiss Goodnight is my favorite Geena Davis movie.

Reprinted from The Onion

2008-04-07T13:11:00.000-05:00

Stop Making Movies About My Books

By Dr. Seuss
April 2, 2008 | Issue 44•14

On the fourteenth of March, in towns nationwide,
In every cinema, multiplex, on every barnside,
Gleamed another adapting of one of my books,
CGI-ed and digitized by another sly crook.

Horton, my favorite—look how he's been treated!
Stuffed with tinsels and tassels and promptly excreted!
The puns! And the filler! The script fees you must save!
While I tumble and grum-humble around in my grave.

Did you learn all but squat from The Cat In The Hat?
Please tell me you fired the prick who made that.
I would have stopped writing, maybe sold Goodyear tires.
If I knew one dark day I'd costar with Mike Myers.

And Oh!
Oh, dear! Oh!
My poor Grinch, what they've done!
They crammed in live-action and snuffed out all the fun!

It's icky, it's tacky, it's awkward, it's wrong.
The Whos look like ferrets, it's an hour too long.
What a rotten idea to spend millions destroying
This masterful tale kids spent decades enjoying!

But still you keep making them!
Just how do you dare?
Sell my life's work off piecemeal
To every Tom, Dick, and Har'.

Why it's simply an outrage—a crime, you must judge!—
To crap on my books with this big-budget sludge.
My books are for children to learn ones and twos in,
Not commercialous slop for Jim Carrey to ruin.

Have you no respect for the gems of your youth?
To pervert them on screen from Taiwan to Duluth.
Even after you drag my last word through the dirt,
I know you, you pirates,
You'd cut out my heart for a "Thing 1" T-shirt.

For eighty-some years I held you vultures at bay,
knowing just how you'd franchise my good name some day.
Not yet cold in my grave before you starting shooting
the first of my classics you'd acquired for looting.

Mrs. Seuss, that old stoofus, began selling more rights
to Dreamworks, Universal—any hack in her sights.
First The Cat In The Hat and then this, that and Seussical
without a thought to be picky, selectish, or choosical.

So to Audrey, you whore, you sad sack of a wife:
Listen close. Pay attention, for once in your life.
You give Fox In Sox to those sharks who made Elf
And so help me, I'll rise up and kill you myself.

No Sneetches by Sony—
No One Fish: On Ice—
Burn that Hop On Pop II script not one time but twice.
Don't sex up my prose with Alyssa Milano…
And no Green Eggs And Ham with that one-note Romano!

This must stop! This must end! Don't you see what you're doing?
You're defiling the work I spent ages accruing.
And when it's dried up and you've sucked out your pay
There'll be no going back to a simpler day,

When your mom would give Horton a voice extra deep,
And turn the last page as you drifted to sleep.
Instead you'll have boxed sets, shit movies, and… well,
You'll have plenty to watch while you're burning in hell.

At The Movies with Amber: 10,000 B.C.

2008-03-11T01:43:00.001-05:00

Amber called to ask if I wanted to go see "10,000 B.C." with her. (duh!!)
We met at our neighborhood theatre that serves food and wine and stuff (yum! and Hic!)
The movie was cool to look at (Amber gave it points for the HHNGF(hot half naked guy factor)),
but she was displeased with the relative lack of giant sabre-tooth kitty screen time (it was, after all, the reason we were there, besides the wine and chocolate cake and pizza and stuff).
I learned a bunch of stuff, like I always do at the movies (like the Spartans were totally straight)
Here's what I learned:
Prehistoric people had really great teeth/skin/hair, and they totally lacked cooties and zits, and cavities and stains and gross stuff like that.
The Egyptians built the pyramids in pre-history by using woolly mammoths or maybe mastodons, and they were totally ok in the desert heat, and didn't faint or even look uncomfortable (the big hairy elephants, not the Egyptians).
Pre-historic people had less blood than modern people, because you could run them through with big spears and stuff, and there wouldn't be any messy pools of gore anywhere--just like in the 40's and 50's (pre-history to today's young folks), and they didn't get infections from cuts and stuff--lucky pre-historic people!
I think you should run, not walk, to the theatre to see this movie if Amber calls and asks you, but she probably won't, now that she knows that the preview had about as much giant kitty time as the rest of the movie (the giant kitty must have a really good agent).
Don't be sad!

A trio for my inner child

2008-03-06T13:24:00.000-06:00

Hes got a real twisted sense of humor,poor little guy.....but seeing how he's been pretty unhappy for a while, I thought I'd give him a treat. Plus,he hasn't taken money out of my wallet in months, so he totally deserves these.
My apologies to all my tasteful friends, and PBS.

Toxic Uke

2008-03-04T01:18:00.001-06:00

:D

2007-12-26T19:55:00.001-06:00

Cheers!

2007-12-26T15:36:00.000-06:00

A Lovecraft Christmas
by Paul M. Lemieux, copyright 1989. ``With apologies to Clement
Moore.''
To the tune of ``'Twas the Night Before Christmas'':

Twas the night before Yuletide and all through the hole
Not a creature was stirring, not even a Dhole
Aldebaren hung at the right place at nine
In the hopes that Great Cthulhu would come out this time

The Fungi from Yuggoth, all snug in their caves
Were plotting to turn all the people to slaves
The Deep Ones in Rlyeh, the Ghouls in their graves
Were dancing and singing and acting depraved

When what do my wondering eyes should appear
But a mouldering sleigh and eight corpselike reindeer
With a horrible driver so leprous and reeking
I knew right away that my fear was unspeaking

The reindeer were gross, as they flew up from hell
And It hoarsely whispered and chanted a spell
Ia Shub Niggurath! Cthulhu ftagn!
Nyarlathotep! I summon you on!

As decomposed flesh before the charnel stench rise
And meet with the open air polluting the skies
Up to the housetop the horror it rose
And the gangrenous odors assailed my nose

And then in a slopping noise heard on the roof
The lumbering clomping of octopoid hoofs
As I drew in my head and was turning around
The horror lurched into my room with a bound

Its eyes how they pulsate
So bulbous and gory
This blasphemous creature
So noxious and hoary

I was frozen by fear, my feet woudn't run
I threw up my cookies, this wasn't much fun
It whispered my name and said ``You come with I''
I tried to refuse and it said ``Then you die.''

It came at my throat with its grim claws extended
But a miracle saved its victim intended
I had three Elder Signs in a slot in the floor
It screamed with a fiendish sound and went out the door

It sprang to its sleigh, and its team gave a surge
And away they all flew to the sound of a dirge
I heard it exclaim as it flew out of sight
``You're lucky this time, for the stars weren't right.''

Breaking Silence, or I got Tagged by Mendacious

2007-12-20T22:44:00.000-06:00

So. I haven't been blogging lately. I tend to write from two places :sincere or silly.
Haven't been very silly lately, and the sincere still leads to the tearful, hence me being all quiet.
But since I got tagged with the "7 random" meme, here goes (except I'm not following the "pass it on" rule):
1. My accent is difficult to place.
People guess everything from California to England--seriously. I learned to speak English from the television, after it had been discovered that my infant "babbling" was actually Czech I had learned from the nanny (she didn't baby talk to me like the family).
2. My eye color is difficult, too.
They used to be green--vividly so. Overtime, the green divided into a ring of blue at outer iris and a ring of yellow around the pupil. People call them blue, grey, brown, green--depending on light, the color of my shirt, and emotional state. Seriously.
3. I'm allergic to strawberries and opiates--synthetics, too.
I eat fresh hot peppers without a second thought, but strawberries burn like lava. And most prescription pain killers make me violently ill--itching, dizziness, nausea---seriously.
4. I have been practicing non-violence for 38 years.
I last deliberately hit another person when I was 8. I have been sorely tempted much--my school mates were determined to force me into fighting--that sucked hugely---and I was quite tempted to bash this asshole the night my Ma died, but he was grieving his own loss, so I didn't maim him. Seriously
5. My ears are very mobile.
They move up, and to the side. One at a time, or both together. Like an animal's. Seriously.
6. I have been a cat lover since first sight.
I would creep up on sleeping feral cats to pet them. I never got discouraged by the scratches, even though it hurt my skin and my feelings. Lucky I never got bitten---seriously.
7. I want my Ma.
seriously, damnit

Further Musings of a Super Villain

2007-08-17T13:16:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary--
you cretinous herald of disappointment and banality--
so, operation "fear worse than death" is an official wash out. Figures.
It seems that the fear of public speaking thing missed a large portion of the population. So far, the groups I found to be immune are:
politicians
clergy
salespeople
writers
actors
reality television wanna-bees
and other narcissists
Damn it! That leaves only modest people, and those are A: in short supply, and B:no fun to intimidate.
The moment that made me say "screw this" came as we set up to intimidate a group of "sk8rs". They just chuckled and made fart jokes. I had to resort to good, old fashioned homicide.
The classics always come through for you in a pinch.
Thinking about scraping up DNA left over from my little League of Good Doers massacre---maybe I can clone them, or combine the DNA and make one big super goody-goody to break up the monotony. Or maybe do the decorative plate collecting thing. All equally evil.........................
you'll regret the day you ever crossed,
Dr. Angst